no_id wrote:Hi all
After 19 years of struggle and 6 years of total inside doom (pure O, depression and depersonnalization, attraction toward drugs, ect), Ive come to the realisation that I fit really the introverted narcissist PD (after identifying with various things, passive aggressive, obsessionnal, borderline, CNPD is what correspond the most, and more importantly relate to some experience other share on the web).
Im aware that ive trying to escape my "defective and limitating" original self (depersonalization have just drastically increased the problem), and various life experience have made me aware that all what ive done and thinked was somewhat against my father (who is an asshole - yes ive anger too, big anger), and at the same time against myself .
Quickly : Ive something of an inflated ego and autistic thinking, and before the age of 20 I was always trying to perfectionnistely be interested into some various hobby, before the hit of depersonalization, wich, after a big depression, have just increased the false self aspect and outsider/"better than other" feeling. From 20 to now, Im caracterized by inertia, switch beetween hobby/idea/accomplishement idea is really quick... Last 10 month was a period of SSRI, drug experiment, and probably the result was an increase of DP and more importantly "reversed projection", as if anger turn profondly toward myself , leading that I CANT just try to do something without excessive feeling of guilt/unaccomplishement.... Ive anger for anything surround me, work, all.I feel only one things, the doom inside me. Ive major mood swing, never stop to tell me that I need to reject various things in my life (like I try to abandon the idea to have a gf (last relationship was long and unbelivably destructive for the gf and me), to plan to go outside my familie quickly, ect, look for how to shut up my inner voice who want to do things dont correspond to current reality, ). It appear perhaps soft, but on the inside its really masochist thinking, using all knowledge Ive in psychologie, neurologie, personnality typology...
Now I know I need external help and cant try to resolve this myself, and have hard time to find support on the web, all is about NPD victim (wich is intellectualy understandable), wich therapy is recommended ? What to do? How to stop the cycle ?
Also, I'll take a swipe and say you're French ('ie' at the end of some words gives it away )
(think the ending of inception, it's like your call)
Done exactly the same with a girl - playing on her feelings and thinking you're not bothered. It doesn't work out well when she's had enough though..
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