alatariel wrote:If NPD is a mental illness (and I'm not disagreeing that it is), and the narc's behavior is really not their fault but is a symptom of that illness, aren't we doing the narc a disservice by cutting them out of our lives? Shouldn't they have someone who will "be there" for them, someone who knows about their illness and so can take what they dish out, knowing it's not something they can control?
Hi alatariel. Here are some of my thoughts on your questions.
All behavior is the 'fault' of the person doing the behavior, meaning their own responsibility.
Even when mental illness is involved.
When (if) a person with profound narcissism begins to wonder why everyone wants nothing to do with them anymore, it is their responsibility to start asking themselves questions about why that might be. They might hear the same story from a number of people, on the order of "You hurt me. You used me. You pick me up and throw me down repeatedly. You cannot be trusted." It is then their responsibility to seek out information, or go to counseling, or go to their doctor, or try 12 Step, or at least evaluate their behavior. They may or may not do that, but it IS their responsibility. They get no pass just because it is not something they can control. Truth is we may not be able to control our thinking, but we can nearly always control our behavior.
I hold narcissists responsible for their behavior, while also realizing that much of what they do is oblivious to them. But just because they are unaware or oblivious, doesn't mean they get a pass from me.
I'm just thinking that it's a good thing she has a lot of other friends and family, who are all either willing to put up with her crap, or are completely snowed or cowed into submission.
But what about the narc who has alienated everyone from their life?
It's horrible to be left alone, I agree.
Maybe alienation might be the 'hit bottom' that causes them to self-examine????
What most narcissists do when they lose people is pick up more people. A revolving door.