Our partner

How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: narcbolan, masquerade, Esquire

How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby lexxie » Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:07 pm

Hi all,

First post here, very shy-please be gentle with me.

I have known this person for 14 months. I have high suspicions' that he is a narcissist. He is a very good imitator of emotion/s, seems to have superficial bonds', cannot stand being criticised, holds a grudge if crossed, lies too much, is a 'know it all', is very jealous/envious and controlling of himself (extremely) and possessive of me in particular. We started as friends' then dated for around 2 mts.-then became friends' only to date.

I feel that as he knows (unlike others' close to him-friends/family) I know who and what he really is, because of the things I have said, noticed and have not been shy with my observations etc.! I have read up on NPD and genuinely believe/feel I have met 'his kind' before. My brain is confused, and my heart is trying to rule my head! I know logically that ANYTHING that ever transpired between us was and is a 'lie'! To him, this is all a game and he is power-tripping to the extreme! He knows I still have feelings' and that I am struggling with my emotions. I walk away from him-only to return-which in-turn inflates his ego! I know logically he cannot change, and that any females he dates will all get the same awful treatment from him.

Today, I told him I want no contact. I want to be in control of me again, and to not feel sad and worthless anymore! In his eyes I will never be good enough, he is critical without saying a word.

So, I am preparing myself to go through the awful/intense/dreaded pain of heart-break and grief. I am a little in denial myself, repeating the inner mantra - 'I do not love him'. Yes I do, who am I kidding here? Maybe accepting these feelings will cause them to eventually die. I do not like him, and hate the way I allow him to make me feel. I have to accept this was all a mistake and that this will never be right! I must completely let him go. But how?

For the first time today, I deleted his number/s' - and I don't know them off by heart either. Never did that before. I have got over heartbreak before, so I know I can. It just puzzles me how he has done this! I thought I was in control, and could pull back and walk away at any time. Why him?

I apologise for my long post.

I am just looking for support to help me be free and away from him FOREVER!

Thanks all.
lexxie
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:26 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby Anais » Wed Jul 27, 2011 11:01 am

Hi Lexxie,

Sorry I only have a minute right now, but this prior thread 'Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - Survivors' is really fantastic and right on topic for you. It helped me a lot as well, I hope it is helpful for you too.

Especially look out for the posts by Normal? on pages 2 to 3 and the conversation between Normal? and ExpressiveCreative.

Here's the link: narcissistic-personality/topic61830.html

Anais
x
Anais
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1074
Joined: Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:47 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby lexxie » Wed Jul 27, 2011 12:52 pm

Hello Anais,

Thank you for your reply.

I will have a read.


lexxie. x
lexxie
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:26 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby whitetennisshoes » Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:20 pm

Lexxie,
In the same boat here. GOOD for you for dumping him FIRST!
Be strong girlfriend.
I have weighed it out and realized, my N man is just evil and I AM
worth a heck of a lot more than to be treated like he treated me--of course,
toward the end when I had been of no use. At which time I DID start really
asserting myself ultimately ticking him off and making ME the psycho, mean
person. Yeah, right!
All so warped. All so scary to have even fallen for a FAKE! Sad and angry at the
same time. So demeaning to my personhood and heart. How anyone could disregard
a human being in this manner.

But I VOW, to take this and learn from the experience. Can one ever be sure? No.
But I shall WALK a lot sooner next time the red flags are as evident as purple elephants
in front of my nose.
whitetennisshoes
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 8:35 am
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 4:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby katana » Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:59 pm

lexxie wrote:I have to accept this was all a mistake and that this will never be right! I must completely let him go. But how?


A few years ago I had a relationship with someone where I let them use and neglect me in a lot of ways, and wasn't happy about it. Whatever is up with your partner, you have to search your own feelings and ask why you would need to feel attached to someone who is incapable of loving you and ask what you would need off them and why. If you can't let go of a relationship that really is unhealthy there is always a reason somewhere. Whatever is wrong with the other person, if you can't let a person go if they are treating you badly, you need to ask yourself why.

I would ask one question about him too tho, how is he critical without saying anything?
User avatar
katana
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 9013
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:05 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby Anais » Fri Jul 29, 2011 3:32 am

katana wrote:Whatever is up with your partner, you have to search your own feelings and ask why you would need to feel attached to someone who is incapable of loving you and ask what you would need off them and why.


These are very wise words.

I had a narcissistic mother who could not love me, and this lack of love shaped my subconscious, even years before I learned of narcissism or understood what was wrong with my mother.

Sometimes when we have this type of background we seek out others who also cannot love us, in order to have them love us this time and rewrite the story...

but of course that doesn't happen, and history repeats itself.
Anais
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1074
Joined: Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:47 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby InvisibleGhost » Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:03 am

lexxie wrote:Hi all,

First post here, very shy-please be gentle with me.

I have known this person for 14 months. I have high suspicions' that he is a narcissist. He is a very good imitator of emotion/s, seems to have superficial bonds', cannot stand being criticised, holds a grudge if crossed, lies too much, is a 'know it all', is very jealous/envious and controlling of himself (extremely) and possessive of me in particular. We started as friends' then dated for around 2 mts.-then became friends' only to date.

I feel that as he knows (unlike others' close to him-friends/family) I know who and what he really is, because of the things I have said, noticed and have not been shy with my observations etc.! I have read up on NPD and genuinely believe/feel I have met 'his kind' before. My brain is confused, and my heart is trying to rule my head! I know logically that ANYTHING that ever transpired between us was and is a 'lie'! To him, this is all a game and he is power-tripping to the extreme! He knows I still have feelings' and that I am struggling with my emotions. I walk away from him-only to return-which in-turn inflates his ego! I know logically he cannot change, and that any females he dates will all get the same awful treatment from him.

Today, I told him I want no contact. I want to be in control of me again, and to not feel sad and worthless anymore! In his eyes I will never be good enough, he is critical without saying a word.

So, I am preparing myself to go through the awful/intense/dreaded pain of heart-break and grief. I am a little in denial myself, repeating the inner mantra - 'I do not love him'. Yes I do, who am I kidding here? Maybe accepting these feelings will cause them to eventually die. I do not like him, and hate the way I allow him to make me feel. I have to accept this was all a mistake and that this will never be right! I must completely let him go. But how?

For the first time today, I deleted his number/s' - and I don't know them off by heart either. Never did that before. I have got over heartbreak before, so I know I can. It just puzzles me how he has done this! I thought I was in control, and could pull back and walk away at any time. Why him?

I apologise for my long post.

I am just looking for support to help me be free and away from him FOREVER!

Thanks all.


from reading your post, it comes across to me as if you are not that torn over leaving him personally, but the struggle lies with what he has done to you, how he has made you feel, and what you have experienced with him. Another thing that stands out, which I want to emphasis, is you state in the beginning that you are shy. Narcisistic people can eat shy people up alive! It's not a good mix for a shy person, to be with a narcisist. I believe that narcisists like shy people because the shy person is an easy target for them to overpower. I am shy aslo, and I know that I must and do avoid narcisists, because even in a friendship context, they leave me drained, feeling lost, feeling dis respected, used and mistreated. Stick to your own kind, life is much happier that way.
DX: BPD, Acute Severe Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Claustrophobia 2002, 2011
InvisibleGhost
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 339
Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2011 7:24 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (5)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby Gertrude_the_Gump » Sat Aug 06, 2011 5:54 am

Another thing that stands out, which I want to emphasis, is you state in the beginning that you are shy. Narcisistic people can eat shy people up alive! It's not a good mix for a shy person, to be with a narcisist. I believe that narcisists like shy people because the shy person is an easy target for them to overpower. I am shy aslo, and I know that I must and do avoid narcisists, because even in a friendship context, they leave me drained, feeling lost, feeling dis respected, used and mistreated. Stick to your own kind, life is much happier that way.


This is ABSOLUTELY true and i so wish i had known this before going to all my disastrous relationships with narcissists. I am shy and because i am shy I am taken advantage of completely. i am easily guilted, stepped on, pushed over, hurt....they feel this, and they walk all over you. It's horrible! And yet i think the reason why i seem to keep falling for these kind is because they seem strong in the beginning, appealing, and they seem to want to protect me from harm. it seems very masculine and romantic in the beginning...but after a while, when more and more of my personality is revealed, i am seen as weak and vulnerable and "goody two shoed" which turns me into a Mary Sue of a person with no way to defend but keep silent and believe i am only putting up with it because i am truly in love. NO ONE DESEREVES TO BE TREATED THIS WAY, no matter how much you are told you are loved. In the end i had to learn this a very hard way and forced myself to leave...i am still in pain, but now i will not be hurt again.
User avatar
Gertrude_the_Gump
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri May 20, 2011 4:47 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby katana » Sat Aug 06, 2011 2:41 pm

(luckily) i'm not easily guilted stepped on or pushed over, but what you wrote got me thinking on shyness -

Maybe there should be anotherr thread - "do narcissists see shy people as weak". but isn't it possible for narcissists to be shy too? what about covert narcissists, wouldn't they be shy ? narcissists are very concerned with self image someone who is just shy is not afraid to admit they are shy, but someone with NPD might also be very "shy" in some ways, but they refuse to acknowledge and because of that hate shyness in others cause its reflecting back what they don't want to see, or what they are afraid they are themselves?

i remember i wasn't allowed to by shy as a kid. (my dad is very "NPD".) i was both outgoing and shy at the same time, i was outgoing, fearless when it came to doing stuff, and i could get on with any kid i was left to play with, but when it came to being introduced to relatives or family friends i would stand there like a lemon. i remember people would say "oh, is she shy?" and my dad would say "she's NOT shy!" angrily. maybe they would have tried to be nice to me and make me feel more comfortable if he hadn't done that.
User avatar
katana
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 9013
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 9:05 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: How to totally let go of the narcissist.

Postby wanderingstar » Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:43 pm

Lexxie, I have started a topic "Narcissicts and the Myth of No Contact" which might be helpful.

My personal view is that letting go is a process rather than an act, and it takes time - and every one is individual and you will have your own way of doing this that works best for you.

Being aware is the most helpful of all so reading on this forum can be very useful.

Getting on with aspects of your life I found also helpful and simple practical things like going on holiday :) , trying to date other men, etc.

But I do believe it all takes time and awareness. Ironically relaxing into it (the probable disintegration of our relationship) was more helpful for me than forcing it. I think this is especailly the case with Ns because they will often pursue even if you tell them never to contact again.
wanderingstar
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 76
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2011 6:36 pm
Local time: Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:19 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: HowPredictable, Tauran, todd, WishfulThinking000 and 242 guests

cron