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How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

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How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby Cpetal » Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:48 am

We just recently discovered out that my mom has NPD with paranoid personality disorder. She's not diagnosed, but we've known something was up with her, just couldn't put our finger on it until recently. We actually thought she may have had a mild for of Paranoid Schitzophrenia because of the conspiracy theories she creates. I realize now that they are created due to her need to fullfill that part of her which needs to be the center of something grander. She started one last year that has had a horrible effect on our relationship, and due to my concern of her insistance that she tell my young children, I denied her their fathers cell phone number so she couldnt contact them herself. I did tell her it was his work cell number, which is partly true, and after her insistance for months she finally stopped when I gave her the address to write them letters. I know she wont write it in a letter because the dramatic effect is lessened. She found out I gave my older brother their number, and now has managed to twist everything like I have always prevented her relationship with my kids even though she did have hteir previous home number and address for 3 years and never contacted them herself. I found proof of that and sent it to her, and of course, she still found some way to try and say I prevented a relationship with her grandkids.

She is an NPD mother in every worse sense possible. I was the 'scapegoat' and my brother the 'golden child'. I found a letter she had written shortly after I was born where she was thanking GOD for answering her prayers about wanting a daughter that didn't need any attention. She had written how she couldn't handle a needy child because my older brother was already ill, and she didn't have extra time for me. She reminded me of that through my childhood, and to this day, still does. My brother had grown resentful for it too because how she uses his asthma as the reason her entire life was put on hold. She likes to manipulate both of us with all of it. She fits this description of an NPD mother to a tee: http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

I get scared to let her alone with my children because she nearly dropped them from her 3rd floor balcony when my youngest was 1.5 and my oldest was almost 3. My ex husband and I managed to catch them just in the nick of time. She laughed at me for over exaggerating, saying they would have been fine, but we had 4 other witnesses. She cut out relationship off shortly after that because I didn't comply with her needs to spend every waking second away from my kids and husband at the time. She always cut our relationship off when I didn't comply to her rules saying I wasn't honoring her or respecting her enough. This has led me to feel like I am expendable by everyone, and I have developed severe security issues due to it. I also am very paranoid now as to how I am as a mother. My mother of course says I am a horrible mother now, and how I should just give my kids up to their father. She says that I am a failure because Im remarried to someone who is foreign and it has taken us a long time to get him to America. I did have to go out of the country at one point to sponsor him to bring him back faster, and she says I chose a man over my kids, which I didn't do. He loves them, they love him, and we're working to pay for their college together.

She says she would never have abandoned me which she did do when I was 16. She handed me over to my father for wanting to visit him while she made arrangements for us to move to California. She had always harrassed me about my grades, and when I brought them up to straight A's while I lived with my dad she became jealous. I moved out on my own at 17 to go to a magnet school in another city. I had passed the entry exam, and went to go register, but was declined because the principal said my mother had called that morning to tell them I was a run-away. She called all the schools in the entire city and said the same. My father couldn't help me and the attorneys that offered to help me couldn't either because my mom had full custody. I got my GED later on, but to this day my mom still calls me a highschool drop out. It really ruined my future because I wasn't able to get into college, and it ruined my motivation to try for anything in fear that she would tear it apart. Which has turned out to be true. She always tries to rip apart any good thing I have to this day.

I know this is a long message, but it all leads up to recent problems. She is now so wrapped up with her conspiracy that she has her foreign fiance and his family, and his little kids al believing her. Which is sad, but it's nothing I can help. I confronted her about why I didn't give her my childrens number, and how I didn't think she was crazy, but I was concerned for her. I told her I was waiting for it to pass, and then I wouldn have given it to her. Of course that made it worse. She of course threw her fiances education in my face by saying that since he is educated and believes her I must be the crazy one not to believe. She slammed me for my conversion to Islam, and said I forced it on my children, which I didn't do because they were born so. It's no different than a Christian raising their child chrisitan from enfancy. She slammed me for going out of the country to bring my husband back, and twisted how I met him, even though her and I weren't on speaking terms at the time and she has no idea how we met nor knowledge of the past 6 years of my childrens lives. It was because of him and my religion that I even reached out to try with her again. She told me I am a horrible mother, and that I should let my kids be raised by their father and stepmother in order for them to be happy and have a good life. She threatened to cut me off again if I didn't comply with her and honor her better. She also said she will support my brothers efforts to convert my children to Christianity, even though she thinks his behavior is wrong, she at least thinks my kids have a chance of being Christians if she supports him.

I have no idea how to write back to her because I'm tired of always having to correct her manipulative lies. I'm tired of having to set things straight just for her to twist the facts to make me look evil and make herself look spotless. I'm tired of playing her mind games. We've never told her we think she has NPD. In fact she says she's gotten tested for any psychological illnesses and the psych DR said she is fine. Yet our lives are always in extreme drama and pain when she's around. Have ANY of you confronted your Parents or anyone with NPD? How do you confront someone lke this? I don't expect it to get better, but I just want her to know that I know, and I won't take her BS anymore. I want her to know we figured her out, and she cant fool us anymore. I know she'll deny it and stil try, but it will always be in the back of her head. I can't completely cut her off because my religious beliefs prohibit it, but I want to find a way to explain to her that I am going to distance myself and my children from her even though we do love her.

Please Please Please share with me your experiences of confrontation or how you have learned to deal with it.
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby Run » Sun Apr 24, 2011 2:32 pm

My mom is less worse, nevertheless I can advise you. I first told my brothers about the 'diagnose', and they told my mom - which was not my intention. When I talked with my mom, I only asked her to no longer twist the facts about anything. She told everybody that I had told her how terrible she was etc., so she was twisting the facts again.
And it became worse, she was deeply offended, I believe.

If I could do it again, I would first ask her all the questions I always wanted to ask straight away, without talking to others about it. If you do so, you get probably answers which confirm your thoughts. Maybe you don't believe your ears.
Then it's time to sever the contact and give yourself time to heal.
(Sorry for my English.)
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby Anais » Sun Apr 24, 2011 3:38 pm

Cpetal wrote:I get scared to let her alone with my children because she nearly dropped them from her 3rd floor balcony when my youngest was 1.5 and my oldest was almost 3. My ex husband and I managed to catch them just in the nick of time. She laughed at me for over exaggerating, saying they would have been fine, but we had 4 other witnesses.


Hi Cpetal,

You're lost in the details and I think you know that. I've been there too, with my mum. But the part above is what counts here. Keep things really simple. Just lay out to your mother how your contacts or visits will be from now on, very factual, and if she questions you, just say you put my children in danger. Getting sucked into details is to be avoided because it zaps your energy. Your mother probably knows this. Stop jumping through hoops. You're the adult here. You're a mother too. But you're still somewhat locked into child mode, very common when you have a narcissistic mother. You have to leave this reactionary phase behind and start to define your own reality. Act, don't react.

I went No Contact recently, not Low Contact, and I just sent a card. Very brief, just a few lines, not a long letter, not loads of explanations. I think that's best, just my 2 c.
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby Cpetal » Sun Apr 24, 2011 7:37 pm

Run, I'm so sorry that that happened. I cant imagine how much more difficult it must have made an already difficult situation. =( Did you ever confront your brothers about this? I admit sometimes I get worried that when I confide in my brother he may go to our mother, but fortunately he hasn't done it yet. Not because he's fully trustable but because he keeps his distance as far as possible from her now. He learned way after I had, but somehow I got sucked right back into it. There's got to be at least some trust between siblings, and I hope that your brothers realize the signifigance of what they did one day. I'm very sorry for that, but I appreciate your advice. There are alot of questions I have for my mom, and at one point I had started to confront them with her before we had cut our contact for 6 years, but she of course never gave honest answers, so I learned that my questions will always go unanswered with her. I got my answer in her recent email just from what she wrote about her very blunt opinion of me. It was enough to knock sense into me that things will never be normal.


Anais, It's so strange how in the complexity of it all things can be simplified as so to make sense of it all. I guess I always tried to make subconcious excuses or maybe even convinced myself to a level that it was my own imaginiation. It's how I get caught in her web. I use to be so strong, but I guess with time I have weakened myself out of a sincere need for family. I realize after not speaking for nearly 6 years with eachother I had been really peaceful and happy, but when my husband sudgested (And my religion as well) that I try to work it out, I realize my peace and happiness started to slowly chip away out of anxiety and fear that history would repeat itself. As long as I smiled, walked on eggshells, didn't talk about my life, and always apologized for the slightest offense (even figmented) she was great with me. Sure, there would be occassional undertones or slights to show some disaproval, but I was grateful as long as she didn't blow up. I dont want my kids to ever experience that. I dont want my husband to ever witness it personally as my exhusband did, and I deffinently dont want his family to be caught in her path of distruction. You make a very good point. I see now that all it takes is one very serious reason tfor it to be necessary to put a distance there, a boundary, to protect my kids. There doesn't have to be along list of reasons, as I felt there had to be before..I guess I felt this way because I was always taught about having duty to elders mainly parents, mainly the mother, and that you NEVER distance yourself. I felt I had to justify the distance. I do feel like a child when I talk to her. I feel afraid because her wrath is extreme. I fear what she will do to get revenge because she already ruined my education once...I worry she'll ruin by husbands visa..Got to put the big girl panties on now..

Thank you both =)
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby loli68 » Sun Apr 24, 2011 8:03 pm

Islam demands that you respect your parents, not that you are a doormat to their abuse, please do not make the mistake to stay in an abusive relationship because of your faith. God does not want us to be in the firing line of abuse, please talk to your imman about this.
I am very low contact with my N mother. My bundaries are so firm that she now dares not cross them.
The way you handle them is no different to a child. You do not tolerate their games and minipulation. You ask one time nicely, one time firmly and then you remove yourself and your family from the situation explaining that you will return once she learns to respect your wishes.
She will rant and rave and acuase and blame. You are not to react to any of this. If shes on the phone you stop her and ask her to call back when shes in a better mood, etc etc etc.
You basically need to take the power back from her, you are no longer a child and exposing your children to this behaviour is wrong. You need to protect THEM from your mother.
If she decides she no longer wants to talk to you because you are putting up boundaries, then....that is her choice and free will....she will cotact you when she needs something from you so dont worry!
Firm bundaries and not reacting is the only way to deal with an N mother, only then will you begin to heal from her abuse.
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby Anais » Mon Apr 25, 2011 10:25 am

Cpetal wrote:There doesn't have to be along list of reasons, as I felt there had to be before.


Yes, exactly Cpetal. You don't need to explain yourself to her - at all. Ever again. You have been carefully conditioned to explain everything to her, and she knows it! Narcissistic mothers "play dumb" fairly often... they will pretend to be upset, aggrieved, or simply that they don't understand the simplest of things, so you continue to ENGAGE with them. That is what they want - all your attention and energy. Positive attention for them is the best, but negative is great too. You giving your energy and attention to yourself, your husband, your children - this they do not want.

I'm not of a religion but I have thought about "Honor thy father and thy mother." My parents are broken people. They broke long ago, through no fault of their own but irreparably, permanently. To me now, "Honor thy father and thy mother" means - must mean, has to mean - making the best life I can for my children. Giving their grandchildren the best chance I can. Think about it.
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby AVR1962 » Wed Apr 27, 2011 9:19 am

I hear you loud and clear! My mother has done much the same as yours. I don't think there is anyway your mother will hear you and those who support her will not hear you either. If she is anything like my mom she has spent a life time building her support team and pointing to you as the problem and odd as it may seem, these people somehow believe and support her theory. It boggles my mind and goes against all logic.

I recently had to remove myself all together. My mother's last incident went straight to the heart and when I tried to reason with her, she labels me the problem and now have several family members beleiving I was always the problem. Personally I see no other way but disengage.
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Re: How to confront an NPD MOM?-sorry so long

Postby Run » Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:48 am

AVR1962 wrote:I hear you loud and clear! My mother has done much the same as yours. I don't think there is anyway your mother will hear you and those who support her will not hear you either. If she is anything like my mom she has spent a life time building her support team and pointing to you as the problem and odd as it may seem, these people somehow believe and support her theory. It boggles my mind and goes against all logic.

I recently had to remove myself all together. My mother's last incident went straight to the heart and when I tried to reason with her, she labels me the problem and now have several family members beleiving I was always the problem. Personally I see no other way but disengage.


I have exactly experienced the same. In my family there are some who see through this all - a niece, a nephew -, but not many. How is that in your family? (Sorry for my English.)
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