Are ALL Narcissists serial cheaters?

In the first year of my marriage, my husband who was a former drug abuser, called a call girl he was introduced to through a friend to buy cocaine. I found out about the plan to buy the cocaine and was very upset. He has not been officially diagnosed with NPD but is a text book case -- abusive childhood, rage, inferiority, intimacy issues. Sex was never really his vice it was always drugs. As I researched NPD though I came across a lot of information regarding how Ns are serially cheaters and perpetually dishonest. I have had divorce papers written up and need to make a decision in the next couple weeks of whether to file or try one more time. He has, over the past year, improved greatly and is trying very hard to overcome old problems. The diagnosis that NPD cannot be cured makes me feel I should give up now if they're lost causes!

There's the question of whether he really is NPD. Aside from that, if he has NPD, NPD is not among the more stable PD diagnoses, so saying it can't be "cured" is a head-scratcher in and of itself. Maybe, maybe not. And the drug addiction is as big or bigger a concern. Finally, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, not a diagnosis. You know him a million times better than anyone here even if the diagnosis were rock-solid.

So there's no way around it - you have to trust your instincts.

narcwife11 wrote:In the first year of my marriage, my husband who was a former drug abuser, called a call girl he was introduced to through a friend to buy cocaine. I found out about the plan to buy the cocaine and was very upset. He has not been officially diagnosed with NPD but is a text book case -- abusive childhood, rage, inferiority, intimacy issues. Sex was never really his vice it was always drugs. As I researched NPD though I came across a lot of information regarding how Ns are serially cheaters and perpetually dishonest. I have had divorce papers written up and need to make a decision in the next couple weeks of whether to file or try one more time. He has, over the past year, improved greatly and is trying very hard to overcome old problems. The diagnosis that NPD cannot be cured makes me feel I should give up now if they're lost causes!

Here, in my opinion, is an example of where tagging someone as NPD is not at all helpful.
Your question assumes he IS NPD, and your divorce decision, because of that, will be influenced by a faulty set of considerations!

Given the little you've said here, it doesn't matter at all whether he is 'textbook NPD', or not. The abusive childhood, rage, inferiority, intimacy difficulties can all be part of many, many diagnoses, or none.

To me, the presenting problem is that he is an addict. He may be a former drug user, but he is still an addict. He hasn't yet sufficiently recovered. He is still seeking out his drug of choice. Whether that drug comes via a callgirl (and usage and proximity leads to a bit of sex), or through other means, the question is not whether he is NPD, but the reality is that he remains an addict.

Playing around with the issue of NPD obscures the problem, and diverts you into considering whether NPD folks can be cured or not... can you see that that's a false path away from the presenting problem?

He needs to get sober. Sane and sober. Long term sobriety. Into recovery with a real recovery program (which is far more than just abstinence).

Then, and only then, can you two consider whether he might be narcissistic.

I agree 100% with Lifesong. Alcoholism and drug addiction almost always, if not always, comes a serious side of grandiosity, manipulative behavior, and perpetual deceit as they're chasing an inanimate object to alleviate their internal and perpetual pain. Such behavior, by nature, excludes anything related to building proper interpersonal relations.

The largest issue is the drug addiction as:

he could overdoes, drag you into very dangerous situations, bring drug dealers home, spend the rent, etc.

Such things could happen soon. NPD, is a rather quiet and small elephant in the room compared to such a construct and chances are he's probably just a raging drug addict. Serving divorce papers based upon a maybe-kinda/sorta alleged diagnosis is peanuts compared to the actual, well observed, behavior of a growing and dangerous soul sickness that addiction is.

Umm yeH what they said...why ya focusing on him maybe having NPD for your divorce papers when he's obviously an addict. That distroys families lifes and marriages...though I do believe it is best to leave and get out of that situation while you can..best wishes for you and your safety, meg<3

I spent 7 years married to a narcissistic man who was controlled by his addiction. I don't think it matters what the addiction is, a true addict is controlled....they have to get their next "fix" and you are not going to be able to compete with that. My husband was a sex addict....nothing satisfied him. he was always on the hunt for his next "high," as this was exactly what he was getting from the chase. he wanted to have 3-somes which I would not agree to so since I was not willing he made it justifyable in his head to have his affairs. I finally told him it was the ladies or me but not both, I told him I was willing to pay for his counseling. he opted for divorce but asked me to stick around until his affiar was over. Really? Crazy, if you ask me. This people are unreasonable and they will justify any of their actions. A lie is never too far below them. It's the way they deal with life to get what they want. I feel for you and what you are dealing with. However, unless he really wants to change and goes to a professional for help you are going to continue to live the very way you have been. It is no way to exist!

Easy answer: no, they aren't all. I never cheated during either of my last relationships, one 7 years, one 4.....and that first one was even knowing she (BPD) was cheating on ME.

Being the martyr was much more narcissistically satisfying.

I've never cheated before. But once I made out with my then-best mate's girlfriend. lmao. I do so not deserve his friendship anymore, but he adores me.

I am.

But hey! No drug or alcohol issues has to count for something.

drug issues are much more emotionally rewarding. sex is like, SO overrated unless you find a girl who's willing to engage in rape play.