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Narcissists and jealousy?

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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby Run » Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:31 pm

PaulKersey wrote:I often feel very intense jealousy, but it's sort of very specific. The people who I'm "closest" to, that not being on an emotional level but a possessive level, I get very jealous over. I feel as if I own them, and the more they feel they are close to me on an emotional and intellectual and connected level, the more I feel "close" to them on a possessive level.

And so if then these people ignore me, or favour someone else over me, I feel sudden intense hatred for them, as if they're being hypocritical in their own connection towards me. It's as if by admitting they're close to me, good friends with me, they're signing an unwritten contract that they must give me complete attention constantly, and when they don't, I completely hate them and want nothing more to do with them.

Does anyone else feel this way? I think it's the closest I can feel to a normal emotion, and it's the only way I can judge my relationships with others.


Isn't this just aggression? You feel no love for that person and no grief. It's still you and 'the object', in stead of 'we' which is more than you and her.
Last edited by Run on Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby Run » Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:35 pm

PaulKersey wrote:I'm not sure. Wouldn't it be considered jealousy because I want their attention and affection but can't receive it as they're giving it to someone else? Or does jealousy require an emotional connection to the person?


If you had a feeling of 'we', you could be scared that the 'we' is in danger and you are left with 'i' and 'her with someone else'.
But you feel aggression, no grief.
Jealousy has also an element of grief, I think. Do you get emotional or only angry?
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby Run » Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:46 pm

PaulKersey wrote:
I sort of get that whole "we" thing, but only on a possessive level.

No emotional response though, just anger. Very, very strong anger. Is this common with narcs?


I would think so. :( But I'm not a psychiatrist. I only recognise the lack of the 'we' perception with male persons with narcisstic traits, and also the aggression when things went not the way they wanted.
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby Magnum » Fri Apr 22, 2011 8:25 pm

This is pretty much how I am, and I am a narcissist. I tend to get possessive with 'close' friends and I feel like if someone new comes into the picture, they are just there to replace me. The danger for me is replacement. I don't know if that's why you get angry or not...

The odd part is that I know I'm wrong by thinking this way. I really do want them to be happy with their lives, but I feel like I'm trading my happiness in order for me to gain their sorrow. Neither of us can be content as the same time because we have opposite intentions.
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby IndieMind » Sat Apr 23, 2011 1:13 am

I am not jealous of people I do not know well, but if my friends succeed at something I wish to succeed at--I literally cannot be NEAR them without attempting to consciously or subconsciously sabotage their success. It is horrible. If they succeed at something I have no desire to succeed at, I am very happy for them, because success is generally not a bad thing. It also depends heavily on the person--some people simply have the disposition to not promote any jealousy whatsoever. Weird.

I feel the jealousy you mentioned only for my current significant other, however. Everything in her life that does not revolve around me is frankly not something I want to hear, because it makes me jealous, a bit angry, and admittedly not very emotionally happy.
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby Anais » Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:17 am

PaulKersey wrote:It's as if by admitting they're close to me, good friends with me, they're signing an unwritten contract that they must give me complete attention constantly, and when they don't, I completely hate them and want nothing more to do with them.


Hi Paul, I think it's great that you have posted this. This is how we can understand each other and bridge some gaps. I believe the unwritten contract you mention has its roots in the relationship with the narcissistic parent. Most narcissists have at least one narcissistic parent, so I'm going to assume this could be relevant for some here.

I'm a Non, my parents are narcissists. My mum was my biggest influence growing up. As I pulled away from her in my late teens and made new friendships, I experienced jealousy in way similar to how you describe. I didn't have the anger or the feelings of hate for others, but I did feel that friends having other friends was hurtful and a kind of betrayal. And then I quickly realized that this wasn't normal and was holding me back. It may have been my own trait or a normal teen phase but it feels most like a narcissistic "memory" - part of the imprint my profoundly narcissistic mother made on me which I then left behind when I left my enmeshment with her.

Narcissistic parents create the blueprint for all our future interactions. And either by engulfing the child or perhaps by not providing the child with the tools they need for life, the narcissist parent creates a special relationship with their child, an unnatural kind of dependency. It may be at the conscious level for the codependent child (I was very aware of it) or it maybe deeply buried for the child who creates the narcissistic defense, but I think it's there. Sometimes it may even comprise emotional incest, which means the parent replaces the special closeness and exclusivity of a spousal relationship with closeness with their child. Even married narcissistic parents do this.

Maybe looking back at your relationships with your parents would help you with this. Healthy parents are a springboard their children jump off from. Narcissist parents are an endless need their child fills. They will not allow themselves to be replaced. This creates the feelings in the child that Magnum describes, the child learns the same way to relate:

This is pretty much how I am, and I am a narcissist. I tend to get possessive with 'close' friends and I feel like if someone new comes into the picture, they are just there to replace me. The danger for me is replacement. I don't know if that's why you get angry or not...


One purely practical thing that helped me leave this behind in my teens was thinking of two friends I love (or for you it could be two people you take supply from, really doesn't matter right now) and then imagining what I like doing best with each one. When I'm with Jane, do I like Sarah less? NO. So, I can safely assume it's the same for others. When Jane is with Sarah, she doesn't like me less. And then I repeated that to myself when needed for I guess six months, until these feelings disappeared. Today, they aren't a part of me.
Last edited by Anais on Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:32 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby Anais » Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:27 am

I'd also like to share this poem, but it might get deleted, I'm not sure about copyright etc. But here goes. I feel all children of narcissists should read this, no matter how they turned out. Because it addresses so much of what was wrong with the ways our parents treated us, that we may not even realize. I guess basically, it illustrates how parents should not be jealous with their children.

On Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby maria » Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:12 am

narcissists have difficulties respecting personal boundaries and perceiving others as individuals with own goals and purposes. So a narcissist sees another person as either an object or an extension of themselves. if you think of someone as an extension of yourself, you will feel like you own them, so this possessive jealousy makes a lot of sense - it feels like your right arm suddenly walked off and started working for someone else instead of you, a betrayal of the "we". perceiving others as subjects with own goals requires a little bit of empathy...
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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby expressivecreative » Thu Apr 28, 2011 7:54 pm

This is strange for me. I used to literally try to make my ex narc jealous - mainly to get his attention. I had a running partner that was male and great-looking, but my ex never seemed bothered by it. He used to say "I'm not a jealous person" and it was something I couldn't fathom - mainly because I can be very jealous. Maybe he was trying to make me feel insecure about my own tendencies towards jealousy? I was terribly jealous of his late-night dinners and drinking bouts with new primary supply, and he used to tell me I was just being ridiculous, they were just friends - then I found some disturbing texts that suggested otherwise.

When it came to professional accomplishments though, he was clearly jealous. I won a major award a month before the breakup and he certainly didn't seem happy - never said "congratulations" or "I'm so proud of you" as I would have said to him.

Why wouldn't he be romantically jealous? Because he couldn't care less who "played" with his object? Or out of sight out of mind? I feel like the latter is true. If I wasn't there, he never seemed to miss me, although if I didn't call for a couple days he would notice.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

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Re: Narcissists and jealousy?

Postby aspigrl » Fri Apr 29, 2011 12:41 pm

expressivecreative wrote:This is strange for me. I used to literally try to make my ex narc jealous - mainly to get his attention. I had a running partner that was male and great-looking, but my ex never seemed bothered by it. He used to say "I'm not a jealous person" and it was something I couldn't fathom - mainly because I can be very jealous. Maybe he was trying to make me feel insecure about my own tendencies towards jealousy? I was terribly jealous of his late-night dinners and drinking bouts with new primary supply, and he used to tell me I was just being ridiculous, they were just friends - then I found some disturbing texts that suggested otherwise.

When it came to professional accomplishments though, he was clearly jealous. I won a major award a month before the breakup and he certainly didn't seem happy - never said "congratulations" or "I'm so proud of you" as I would have said to him.

Why wouldn't he be romantically jealous? Because he couldn't care less who "played" with his object? Or out of sight out of mind? I feel like the latter is true. If I wasn't there, he never seemed to miss me, although if I didn't call for a couple days he would notice.

You don't know me because i erased my first post. My husband is like that, "not jealous at all" and trying to make me understand that what i consider "cheating" is ridiculous. (It involves touching other people's genitals :D )
My understanding is that it gives him both an aliby in case he cheats (it WAS NOT cheating and anyway who gets jealous over cheating, you're crazy), second, like you said, it makes me feel insecure and even more jealous, I think he enjoys it, but mainly he doesn't mind what i'm doing with whom as long as I don't actually sleep with them. I'm not a person, see, I BELONG to him, so my feelings are unimportant as long as i am still his.If I slept with someone else, it would be over instantly. So I suppose he finds it funny, too, to see me thinking i'm "free" knowing what he would do if I cheated. Something like that.
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