PaulKersey wrote:It's as if by admitting they're close to me, good friends with me, they're signing an unwritten contract that they must give me complete attention constantly, and when they don't, I completely hate them and want nothing more to do with them.
Hi Paul, I think it's great that you have posted this. This is how we can understand each other and bridge some gaps. I believe the unwritten contract you mention has its roots in the relationship with the narcissistic parent. Most narcissists have at least one narcissistic parent, so I'm going to assume this could be relevant for some here.
I'm a Non, my parents are narcissists. My mum was my biggest influence growing up. As I pulled away from her in my late teens and made new friendships, I experienced jealousy in way similar to how you describe. I didn't have the anger or the feelings of hate for others, but I did feel that friends having other friends was hurtful and a kind of betrayal. And then I quickly realized that this wasn't normal and was holding me back. It may have been my own trait or a normal teen phase but it feels most like a narcissistic "memory" - part of the imprint my profoundly narcissistic mother made on me which I then left behind when I left my enmeshment with her.
Narcissistic parents create the blueprint for all our future interactions. And either by engulfing the child or perhaps by not providing the child with the tools they need for life, the narcissist parent creates a special relationship with their child, an unnatural kind of dependency. It may be at the conscious level for the codependent child (I was very aware of it) or it maybe deeply buried for the child who creates the narcissistic defense, but I think it's there. Sometimes it may even comprise emotional incest, which means the parent replaces the special closeness and exclusivity of a spousal relationship with closeness with their child. Even married narcissistic parents do this.
Maybe looking back at your relationships with your parents would help you with this. Healthy parents are a springboard their children jump off from. Narcissist parents are an endless need their child fills. They will not allow themselves to be replaced. This creates the feelings in the child that Magnum describes, the child learns the same way to relate:
This is pretty much how I am, and I am a narcissist. I tend to get possessive with 'close' friends and I feel like if someone new comes into the picture, they are just there to replace me. The danger for me is replacement. I don't know if that's why you get angry or not...
One purely practical thing that helped me leave this behind in my teens was thinking of two friends I love (or for you it could be two people you take supply from, really doesn't matter right now) and then imagining what I like doing best with each one. When I'm with Jane, do I like Sarah less? NO. So, I can safely assume it's the same for others. When Jane is with Sarah, she doesn't like me less. And then I repeated that to myself when needed for I guess six months, until these feelings disappeared. Today, they aren't a part of me.