I am 57 yrs old, a woman, and grew up as the middle child in my family. I was 40 yrs old before I understood that my older brother has NPD and my younger sister is probably a sociopath/NPD. I was the scapegoat of my family and all 3 of us grew up to become alcoholics. I got sober when I was 31 yrs old and my younger sister got sober a few years later. Our older brother got sober for 8 yrs, but went back out drinking about 8 years ago and at this point I'm not sure whether he will ever get sober again. It took quite a few years to thread through all of this and get down to the real issues of what was wrong in our family, especially since our family thought I was the problem. As I read through this blog on narcissistic siblings, I can sympathize and also give you the benefit of my experience of living in a family of narcissists.
In a way, the fact that I had a sponsor in my 12 step program really gave me an edge in all of this, because my sponsor had great advice. In the 12 step programs we are advised that its not so much the world that needs to change, rather it is me and my attitude, so we begin by inventorying our own actions and responses, then we can move on to examining the behavior of others. I also married a man who came from a family similar to mine, so we had to deal with HIS NPD sister, who was actually diagnosed with NPD by two qualified therapists. Alcoholic families are generally chuck full of NPD.
I could write a book on all of the cruel, heartless, rotten things my brother and sister have done to me throughout my life. Because I had no idea that they had this, and my mother was completely enthralled by both of them, I always believed their assertion that the problem was me. So I kept working on myself and working on myself and working on myself. The good part of this was that I became a really wonderful person. Now that I look back on a childhood with them, I realize how wonderful it was that Mom DIDN"T like me, because I became a person who TRIES. People with NPD don't feel the need to work on anything, really, so they don't tend to have good relationships with spouses and children. If you grow up as the unloved kid, though, you have to get out there in life and find your people and that's what I did. After a bad first marriage and getting sober, I found a good man to love me and I worked hard on my marriage and to raise my child to be a happy, well adjusted adult.
In my experience, you can try to just "be polite" to your NPD sibling. When I see the phone ringing and realize my sister is calling me, I pick up the phone about 1 in 10 calls. That keeps the contact at a minimum and my life much more peaceful. My brother calls me about once every two years or so. I call him about twice a year to say hello, I am polite and friendly and we usually talk for about 10 minutes. He lives in another area, so its not hard to put distance there. The main point is that I have decided how much time I'm going to give either one of them. I had a harsh realization about my brother when I was about 40. I realized one day that he doesn't love me one bit. I had spent years gnashing my teeth and adoring my brother for everything I wished he could be. It had been so bad growing up with him and my mother had such a false impression of him as the wonderful son, that I hero worshipped him for decades. The day I realized he had not a drop of love for me was the day I was free. Its funny, because as long as I thought he loved me, I would cry about him. As soon as I knew he didn't care a whit about me, I stopped crying and haven't shed a tear since. I just let it go.
My terrible relationship with my sister was much harder to release. Our father died when we were kids and I felt a heavy sense of responsibility toward her, allowing her to lie, cheat and steal from me for decades. I could write three books on the manipulations and the game. "The Game" is my sister's torture of me. She treats me like complete crap in secret, talking behind my back, lying about me, betraying me at every turn - but in front of the relatives, like my husband and daughter, she is as sweet as cream. She tells them how much she loves me. She treats them like they were made of gold and is so wonderful to them that they can't help but love every minute they are around her. She is so funny, charming, and sweet! So its been very, very difficult all these years. It took years for me to realize the truth of what she is, because I loved her so. And I did the same with her as with my brother by covering the truth of who she was with a fake persona. I started by limiting my contact with her, but as the years have progressed it has become increasingly agonizing until I am at the point of declaring no contact. The Game ensures that my husband and daughter are tied in to her, so they keep clamoring for contact. I have finally convinced my husband and he has been able to see the manipulation - my daughter has not matured enough yet to understand. Its difficult because their payoff in their relationship with my sister is to be adored and lauded - mine is to be betrayed - and its very hard for most people to truly see what is happening in a situation like that. They can't help but be swayed by the flattery.
I'm not sure whether my sister is both NPD/sociopath and whether you on this thread have the same experiences I have had with my sister. It is like we are playing a game and she is always 8 moves ahead. She is calculating and manipulating from the moment she awakes. I know this because I grew up with it and back then I just thought that was normal. So while I am gallumping along living my life and thinking about my job, or the next trip to the grocery store, she is scheming on the lie she can tell my daughter to get her to go on a trip with her because she has discovered my daughter and I are planning a trip. The sociopath has all the information, because they are the only one in the situation who is scheming, conniving, planning and manipulating - the rest of us are just trying to pay the bills and figure out what to cook for dinner tonight.
In reading your story of your narcissistic brother, my advice is to see it for what it is. Cry your tears and feel all of the feelings - don't suppress it. Then pick yourself up - you know how to do that quite well if you have grown up with an NPD brother - and dust yourself off, and get on with your life. Take that love you had for him and focus it on yourself, on your home, on your wife, your children, your dog or cat, your job, your friends - and don't waste another minute of your life snarfing around after an S.O.B. that could not care less about you.