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Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

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Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby monicaelise » Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:30 pm

I'm done. Really done. I wrote him an email telling him what I really thought of him (it was a looooong email and I'm not one for long emails) and he responded by telling me "Yr a good person". I told him I don't want to be with him flat out this time. I wasn't nasty or angry or aggressive, just told him I thought he was a narcissist and that I didn't want him anymore. Will he finally go away this time?

This is the first time that I've been the one to say sayonara so I have no idea what to expect. He's a very typical N in many ways, but I'm a bit concerned about his response and the fact that he called me almost immediately after I sent the email telling me everything I said was correct. Can I assume that he will move on now? If not, what's the best way to get him out of my life? He's like a bad penny that keeps turning up. I'm leaving the country in five months so I should be in the clear for sure then, but five months is a long time to put up with the ridiculousness of an N. I don't have it in me to fight with this man and I really don't give a $#%^ enough to anymore anyway.
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby wanderingstar » Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:59 pm

Well, Monica, my take on it is this.

Don't worry about it. If you are clear - and in charge of your feelings - to some extent, this will probably frighten him away.

I had this recent experience. After a 3 paragraph email in which I was clear - but not sentimental - about my feelings he send me an email back concerned about the $10 he spent on a recent meal and that i was obviously out to find the next mug!

no doubt you will find something equally, sadly, familiar.

p.s. in 5 months you will have it sorted, just enjoy (er, if you can) they just can'nt keep up the pretence that long, you really don't even have to try (as you have found already no doubt)
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby monicaelise » Mon Apr 18, 2011 9:42 am

I'm posting the email I sent in the hope that I can get some feedback on whether there is something more I could have said to make my point. He has emailed more in the past two days than in the 9 months I was with him. He's even gone as far as calling (I'm not a phone person so I generally don't bother with it).

Well I've tried calling and I've tried messenger, both to no avail. In any event, it doesn't really matter. The point in contacting you is mostly to tie up loose ends for myself. I didn't give you much of an explanation for the abrupt departure, and it probably isn't something you've given much thought to but I feel as though I should give you an explanation if for no other reason than I want to (and perhaps it will be of some benefit in your future dealings with other people).

In short, I knew what you were and what you were up to from about the second or third week after I met you last summer. I knew there was something terribly amiss in your character but I rather hoped that it was the result of a shortfall in proper healthy attention from the women in your life. Obviously, I know now, this is a chicken-egg problem. You treat women badly so they don't want to be with you, women leave you and you don't get the attention you need, you get angry and frustrated, you find another woman, and it all begins again... on and on it goes.

I also knew there were other women and that your claim that you'd "never cheated on anyone" prior to your departure for Africa was something of a misrepresentation of the truth. I knew the afternoon that you came in you'd been up to something with someone else. Make no mistake, you are cheater and a liar. I suspect you rationalize it away by telling yourself you're not really "with" this person or that person. The fact of the matter, however, is that when you deceive people...regardless of how you've labeled that person (slag, whore, fling, whatever charming moniker you choose) or whether they have any value to you... you are cheating. Again, I knew you what you were but my investment in you was minimal and I enjoyed enough other aspects of our time together to not really care too much. It only started to bother me once it became clear that even my friendship wasn't valued or appreciated.

The fact that you made the mistake of thinking me a doormat says a great deal about the kind of person you are. You do not seem to understand genuine kindness or loyalty. You live in a fantasy where women are supposed to pop in and out like princesses, according to your whim. Real people do not exist for you. They're just not good enough. This funny little charade you've carried on with your beach girl is a perfect example. You have a weekend or two with a woman and you think she's "the one", but trust me when I tell you, if you don't do some serious work you will never be "the one" for her in this life (of course she's probably up to the exact same shenanigans you are so you aren't really anyway). You know as well as I do that you haven't been honest with anyone (especially her!) and eventually the chickens will come home to roost as they say. I have no intention of spilling the beans, but your behaviour will give you away if she ever does make the mistake of spending more than a couple days with you. If it ever comes to pass that you do spend as much time with this woman as you did with me, you will inevitably discover that she too is human and when you do your own facade will drop. Healthy humans look forward to reaching this point in their relationships, believe it or not. For you this will probably be the end, over and over with everyone until the day you die. Once a woman starts to know you and start to know her, for real (not in some internet fantasy world where everyone picks and chooses what they reveal), $#%^ will once again fall apart. The meanness, the selfishness, the lying, the cheating will get harder and harder to hide.

The real sadness here is that it is all within your power to change. Not for the hordes of unsuspecting bimbos that (like me) will continue to be fooled by the online persona you've created, but for you. The sickness, sadness, rage, and disgust you feel for yourself are all remediable. We are not the enemy. Whatever went on in your own past (make fun of me all you like for my daddy issues, I think you probably have some mummy issues that are far more horrific) can and should be dealt with so that you don't end up rotting alone in some disgusting, filthy hovel. We are not all whores and saints, goddesses and demons, we're just women. Beach girl will get old and rot like the rest of us. You will discover things about her that will make you want to punch her and things that sicken you. If you don't deal with you and your own nonsense (hint: it's not in a pill), you will hurt her the same way you've hurt all of the others and then you will go on to do the same to the next one. The cycle just continues because you keep looking at us as the enemy...idealize/devalue, idealize/devalue, idealize/devalue...over and over. Every time you think you've gotten away with a lie or let yourself believe we are too stupid or sad to know what you're doing or stand up for ourselves you hate us a little more because we remind you of how horrible you are. Whoever the woman of the moment is right now will be no different. If your latest bout of silliness ever becomes anything that even remotely looks like a relationship the same cycle will ensue. I'd bet my childrens' lives on it.

Truthfully, I never wanted anything deep with you. I never wanted to "psychologize" you and I never wanted to know the things I've come to know about you. Unfortunately, you wear your damage like hair shirt, making your misery visible to all. When you hurt, you project that pain as hostility and violence onto those in your immediate proximity. I would have run at the start (as I told you previously) if it wasn't so obvious that what was going on had nothing to do with me. I genuinely wanted to be your friend, your companion. More than anything I wanted to soothe you, give you a bit of a respite from what is clearly a wretched life. Sadly, I realized that like all broken animals, eventually you would turn on me. You would never appreciate or understand genuine tolerance or compassion. You live in a fantasy world, where things that are real are not substantive, they're just ugly. Reality will keep crashing in on you I'm afraid. Remember you had the fantasy with me for a time, the one you wanted then. When you woke up from that dream you just went back to sleep and created a new one. Well, old chap, you will wake up again. The women that want you will always turn out to be whores in your eyes once you have them. The ones that keep you at arms length will be the only ones who you ever cherish, however falsely that may be.

Now I realize this may all sound very "Alan Alda" to you and I guess it is, but consider it a wake up call. I have no wish to work things out or make them better, but I have gotten a great deal from the time I spent with you. England was supposed to be about furthering my education, and it certainly has allowed me that opportunity, but the real education was the wisdom I gained regarding Monica. I understand things about myself that I couldn't have articulated a year ago and, oddly, being with you has actually made me feel better about the person I am in a strange way. You helped bring to the surface a whole lot of rubbish that I've been walking around with for longer than I can remember. Your misogyny, bigotry, and violence ultimately made me feel like a calmer, better woman. I should hate you for the things you've done and the way you treated me, but I feel nothing but a little bit of sadness over a lost and wasted life (yours...at least so far). I did everything I could as a human, and a friend, to support you so I can walk away guilt-free.

You, and all your slothfulness, vulgarity and hostility, have reminded me of what it is to be human and make peace with that. I hope this note will offer you the same opportunity. This book/website may give you a bit more insight into your character as well...

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html

Peace
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby HappyBusyFun » Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:48 am

He's a very typical N in many ways, but I'm a bit concerned about his response and the fact that he called me almost immediately after I sent the email telling me everything I said was correct



Are you saying after you sent that email you 've posted above that he called you?
Did you speak to him or did he leave a message? How did he sound?

I'm amazed because if he was truly N (and not a self-aware N) - my guess is that an email like that would cause him to never want to speak to you or hear from you again.
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby monicaelise » Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:57 am

Yes, he called me. I won't waste another nickel on this mess. He sounded very calm, resigned. Told me everything I said was correct. I don't know if it's some sort of weird ploy to make sure I continue to engage. I finally ended the phone call, and he's been emailing since. Told me I was a good person...blah bah blah...I'm getting 2-3 responses for every reply I send. They're all short and very agreeable. Some have even been quite funny. Happy to share the other messages I've sent if it will help make me figure out how to get out of this. The last one was sent late last night.

He's typical in that he meets all of the following bolded criteria (in spades)..

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

10. Often mild to moderate paranoia, that others are out to do him in.
11. Predominant "name dropper" boasting or suggestion association with people or affiliations of importance.
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby SenseAtLast » Tue Apr 19, 2011 4:52 am

There are a few things you should expect and not take personally.

I think the first one may have happened already with him replacing you in his ongoing quest for attention -- called Narcissistic Supply. NPD'ers generally can't bear to be alone, and need constant attention.

He may send you an email like wanderingstar where he projects himself onto you and starts being abusive. I would block his email and sms messages.

He may also try to hoover you back in if he needs attention and can't find it somewhere else. One way of doing that is to agree with everything you said in your e-mail.

Your email is very articulate but it would be interesting to see if it went in one ear and out the other.
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby monicaelise » Tue Apr 19, 2011 5:42 am

SenseAtLast wrote:There are a few things you should expect and not take personally.

I think the first one may have happened already with him replacing you in his ongoing quest for attention -- called Narcissistic Supply. NPD'ers generally can't bear to be alone, and need constant attention.

He may send you an email like wanderingstar where he projects himself onto you and starts being abusive. I would block his email and sms messages.

He may also try to hoover you back in if he needs attention and can't find it somewhere else. One way of doing that is to agree with everything you said in your e-mail.

Your email is very articulate but it would be interesting to see if it went in one ear and out the other.


Thank you SenseAtLast. The "hoovering" is my concern. I'm definitely going to take your advice. My only concern is that he'll up the ante so to speak. In the past, when he's gone off after one of his tantrums, the more I ignored him the more determined he became to reestablish contact. Of course, this is the first time I have flat out said "I don't want you anymore" (as I said, there have been multiple emails since this one) so perhaps this is it.

The strange thing is the other supply is and has been around, online, for as long as I've known him. I told him months ago I didn't care about her or whatever their thing is. She is, through no fault of her own, utterly clueless about how he conducts himself in his daily life. She absolutely adores him, at least virtually. Of course she's only spent 2.5 days with him in person in real life so he may have kept me around knowing she's not likely to bother with him once she does know him...

I'm not sure the email has gone in one ear... He seems to be rather fixated on it. I keep getting messages from him with all of them attached though I know he deleted it originally. He keeps digging it back up to send new "replies". Anyway, I'm taking your advice. Thank you.
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby SenseAtLast » Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:02 am

When people finally get clear they don't want to go back, the best approach is No Contact (NC). Starves the N of supply. You can do that with the blocking suggested before. If he ups the ante, just stick to NC. In fact, the usual advice is whatever happens just stick to NC.

If you do go back though, and I'm not suggesting you will, you'll open up a can of worms because he'll conclude that you can be manipulated. So its like you are setting them up to be worse. You are setting yourself up for what is called D & D: Devalued and degraded.

Fixated. The N's may have a different take ... but if you follow the Narcissus idea of them staring at their own reflection, then you just dropped a stone in the pool/smashed the mirror which might be quite disconcerting for his self image.
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Re: Best way to get rid of a narcissist for good?

Postby monicaelise » Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:27 am

The no contact thing is something I've heard before. In truth, I've never been the one to go back. With every tantrum, break, etc. he's been the one to come back. I never had any reason not to let him as his nastiness only really became obvious recently. In the past he would just say "this isn't working" or "the chemistry's not right" or just plain old "bye", then resurface within a few days (or weeks in the case of the break over the holidays) as chipper as ever. I suppose I just wasn't invested enough to have been wounded the way he was hoping I would be. Like I said, I knew something was wrong with him but it really wasn't any skin off my back. I just enjoyed the friendship and the sex. He wasn't serious relationship material and I told him so throughout the time we were together.

He does know something is terribly wrong with himself. He's a grown man and has had this thing bite him in the ass several times over the years. We've talked about it plenty. I just never told him what I thought it was, as it is a really heartbreaking diagnosis insofar as it's pretty much hopeless (if the experts are right). I don't know, maybe he's on the verge of, or has become self-aware. Perhaps that's why the email seems to be plaguing his thoughts (I'm not kidding about the dredging it back up, he's deleted it at least a half dozen times, only to go back into the bin to send another reply... I responded to less than a third of them and finally just decided to give up replying altogether the night before last). Perhaps it's a new kind of supply for him. It is all about him after all, and isn't that the goal of the N...to make things all about him.
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