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Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

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Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby narcwife11 » Fri Apr 15, 2011 7:47 am

I recently read an interesting article about how some narcissists get worse with age as authority figures respected in their youth die off and they have even fewer people who can keep them in check. Can a narcissist truly mourn the death of a parent, spouse, children or close friend? Are they capable of enough human empathy and love to feel this pain?
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby unreal » Fri Apr 15, 2011 10:36 am

The parents of a narcissist usually don't deserve being mourned.
What we are concerned with is narcissism in a pathological sense, with self-love that serves as a cloak for self-hatred. The polarities of self-hatred and self-love are linked together in the defensive system, but the nuclear problem is the self-hatred.
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby Anais » Fri Apr 15, 2011 9:51 pm

^Amen to that.

Narcissists generally didn't have anyone providing love or support to them when growing up. That's why they are narcissists.

Whilst not all children of narcissists become narcissists, most if not all narcissists had at least one narcissistic parent (and one enabler).

Often, looking into the past of a narcissist, there's not much to mourn.

As for their own family they have created - spouse, children - I do not know, I am not a narcissist, but I imagine yes, they mourn in their own way, just as they experience all emotions in a different manner.
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby Run » Sat Apr 16, 2011 9:48 am

narcwife11 wrote:I recently read an interesting article about how some narcissists get worse with age as authority figures respected in their youth die off and they have even fewer people who can keep them in check. Can a narcissist truly mourn the death of a parent, spouse, children or close friend? Are they capable of enough human empathy and love to feel this pain?


My mother - narcissistic with histrionic elements - was longing for the death of my father when he got ill because he became so 'difficult', and when he died, she tried to get all the attention and after a while she began to tell bad things about him. And that all after more than sixty years of marriage. So, no, imo a narcissistic cannot truly mourn a death.
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby Greatexpectations » Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:43 pm

No I don't think they can, not in the 'normal' sense. To truly love someone means you care about that person more than you care about yourself, they can't do that.

They can morn loss, they can miss someone, if that person was useful to them. Like if my washing machine breaks down I really MISS IT, I NEED IT, I don't 'love' it.

I can get another and the first one is forgotten.

My ex NPDH idolized his N parents (they were horrible never had a good word for any one) But despite his protestations of love for them and lots of fuss (he was prone to histrionics if he had an audience) I never saw him actually grieve at all. The night his father died I could not sleep I'd found it quite traumatic . He on the other hand had a good nights sleep. When I mentioned it the next day he just said what was the point of losing sleep it wouldn't change anything.

I think he tried to act like he was upset, but it seemed shallow, superficial.
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby Greatexpectations » Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:31 pm

EX NPDH and I lost our first baby it was born early, The first week he acted upset (in front of a audience ) They do love a drama, lots of N supply center of attention.

He still went to the gym and football as usual. Never comforted me at all. Nothing. Heartbreakingly cold and unfeeling. F~~~ing creep.

I said he was proving me with no support, he said going out all the time was his way of dealing with it. Well that's alright then.

My being upset after the first week seemed to irritate him. Oh, you're not grizzling again are you he would say, then he go on to say what a misery guts I was!! He never talked about the baby or showed any sense of kindness or empathy towards me, or grief at the lost of our child.

I was traumatized.

I honestly don't think he felt anything.

He was a true Narcissist through and through. I look back and he was VILE
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby unreal » Thu Apr 21, 2011 2:59 am

To truly love someone means you care about that person more than you care about yourself, they can't do that.


hint: They don't give a rat's ass about themselves.
What we are concerned with is narcissism in a pathological sense, with self-love that serves as a cloak for self-hatred. The polarities of self-hatred and self-love are linked together in the defensive system, but the nuclear problem is the self-hatred.
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby Run » Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:07 am

My father died at home but my mother (narcissistic/histrionic/borderline type) did not stay at his bed when he died in the middle of the night. She knew it was going bad with him and she was with him hours before he died. When I asked why she wasn't at his bed when he passed away, she responded that she needed sleep, because the next day, a sunday, visiters would come.

Of course, I don't know what I should have done, when you are very tired you go to sleep. But the answer gives me no good feeling. I would not go to sleep because of visiters the next day.
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby Greatexpectations » Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:05 am

Hi unreaI,

'They don't give a rat's ass about themselves'.

Can you explain. I thought that was all they cared about, themselves. As a newbie I've got lot to learn.

I read you are a teenager, obviously highly intelligent.

My ex NPDH was a fragile N, he suffered rapid mood swings, I now realize that he swung between dysphoria, and euphoria. Was he a particularly happy person no, did he suffer, I suppose he did. I would have felt sorry for him but he was selfish, uncaring, obnoxious and aggressive.

My ignoring, malignant, NM however has never been depressed. She lives in her own little world, pretty much oblivious to the real world. She is a happy N. Which is annoying as she was a horrible, 'mother'.

I also have a friend who is a sub-criminal psychopath. A ruthless, highly intelligent, business man he has made lots of money. A workaholic, he has had many projects. I asked him if he'd enjoyed them or missed any of them. He said no, he had no real interest in any of them. He was simply out to make as much money as possible by any means possible.

He was trouble at school, a teacher asked him 'what makes you a better fighter than anyone else?' He said 'I have no fear, other people are frightened of getting hurt. I'm not.

He could be very violent.

He loved the NS of being important, the attention the flash cars got him he feeds off drama. Loves a court case of which he has had many, he likes the challenge. The things that would stress a normie just excite him.
He describes people who are no use to him as 'empty buckets' worthless and has no time for them. He says to be successful you need to know how to 'play people'

I don't think he is happy or unhappy, he has not got enough depth of feeling for that. He feels a lot of anger, particularly towards people he believes had 'done him over' ie got money out of him.

He has told me he would kill his ex wife, or have her killed if he could get away with it, as she is entitled to much of his money. She knows this, so has lodged a letter with solicitor to be opened in the event of her suspicions death. He said there is enough information in the letter to put him away for 50 years.

I despise him yet---------- I am fascinated this creature man/machine. I have learnt from him as I'm fairly naive.

He says he loves me, (he doesn't he doesn't love anyone) but he needs me for Ns
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Re: Can a Narcissist truly mourn a death?

Postby unreal » Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:41 pm

Can you explain. I thought that was all they cared about, themselves. As a newbie I've got lot to learn.


That's too simplistic. A narcissist will unhesitatingly ruin his health, risk his entire wealth, get into trouble with the law; anything - if it gets him narcissistic supply. A narcissist generally treats himself like trash. He does not care about himself because he has no sense of self.

He was trouble at school, a teacher asked him 'what makes you a better fighter than anyone else?' He said 'I have no fear, other people are frightened of getting hurt. I'm not.


This is exactly what I mean. A narcissist has no fear of the cops, no fear of heroin addiction, no fear of bad grades, no fear of pain, no fear of anything much - except lack of narcissistic supply.

Everything that exists to an (untreated, non-aware) narcissist is illusions. He is entirely separated from reality. In his world, he is an invincible, invulnerable, omniscient superman. The "outside world" is a movie that he interprets in ways that support this illusion. This illusion is what he cares about. His self does not matter to him because it doesn't exist - if you were to look behind his facade you would make the terrifying discovery that there is no one there. He doesn't care about himself because he doesn't truly exist. There is nothing he could care for.
What we are concerned with is narcissism in a pathological sense, with self-love that serves as a cloak for self-hatred. The polarities of self-hatred and self-love are linked together in the defensive system, but the nuclear problem is the self-hatred.
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