Our partner

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: narcbolan, masquerade

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby bybb » Fri Apr 15, 2011 4:07 am

Hi, I so understand and can relate to what you say in your post. What we need to be mindful of is a narcissist, abuser, psychopath typically use the same behaviours to different degrees depending on who they are using them on. They work out who you are and then proceed to manipulate you the best way they see fit. The other issue is there are a lot of mind games this too is part of their manipulation tactics. It causes you to doubt your reality of what is going on, doubt your abilities and question what you do. Narcissists love to project their behaviour onto others and then blame the other person (victim/target) of the very same behaviour they themselves just inflicted. Some great videos on this topic can be found here.

http://www.youtube.com/user/beyourbrilliantbest
bybb
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:44 am
Local time: Sun Aug 30, 2015 9:29 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby AVR1962 » Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:12 am

I am 48, in counseling, currently dealing with the hold my narcisstic mother has had on me all my life. It was a struggle I could not identify with as a child. If I said anything, did anything that didn't please my mother she would not only criticize but recruit otehr family members to participate. My thinking was always wrong, there was no way to please her yet my father and my Gma were always telling me how I needed to try.

After reading and finally discoverying what has made me tick all these years, knowing that I have got involved with one narcissistic after the other, trying in vane to please people that I could never begin to please, I can reflect and feel great loss. Great loss for the life I was entitled to and was never given, the love and praise I never received. At the same time it makes me angry. My mom may not know any better but that doesn't change what has happened or who did this.

Because I "dared" to have my own thougths and live my own life without catering to her I paid the price and that price was having a relationship with anyone she could control.....my dad, my Gma, even my oldest daughter.

How to move on? Is there any other way but to try and find out what you want from life without the thoughts of who it might displease?
AVR1962
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:50 am
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby Greatexpectations » Tue Apr 26, 2011 3:28 pm

Hi, AVRI1962

After reading and finally discoverying what has made me tick all these years, knowing that I have got involved with one narcissistic after the other, trying in vane to please people that I could never begin to please, I can reflect and feel great loss. Great loss for the life I was entitled to and was never given, the love and praise I never received. At the same time it makes me angry. My mom may not know any better but that doesn't change what has happened or who did this.

I understand the loss you speak of. I feel so much frustration when I look back. The crappy jobs (N parents had no interest in me and did not support my education) The awful N relationships I seemed to end up in (I must have victim written on me) Always, always, desperately trying to please. Trying to please Narcs, the more you try to please a narc the more difficult and obnoxious they became, So guess what, I'd try even harder!! To the point of exhaustion.
I had a lifetime of being told I was lazy, useless, an embarrassment and nothing but one big mistake

Yeah right, thanks Mommie Dearest.

Now at 55 with the help of this forum I realize the truth. It wasn't ME that was wrong it was them.
My life should have been very different too. I feel very angry and very bitter at times, I try not to be at least most of the time as it doesn't achieve anything.

I don't think you need worry about who you might displease any more you've done enough of that. If you want to do something and it pleases you just do it!

You can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself. :)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Lao Tzu
User avatar
Greatexpectations
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1203
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:28 am
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby LTJames » Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:44 pm

I see the term "traceless" is used here and there. I have searched for a definition as it relates to NPD abuse and I can't find a thing. What is it?
LTJames
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2011 7:15 pm
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby expressivecreative » Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:08 pm

I've never heard "traceless," but if N survivors use it, it probably has to do with stealth abuse - the brilliant manipulation and emotional abuse that leaves no mark that can be "traced." Thus, there is no way to prove the abuse, so the N comes out unscathed and can even call himself the "victim," particularly if the devalued person leaves evidence of anger or acting out against the N.

The hardest part is that nobody believes you.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

dx: HPD with borderline tendencies, depression
suicide attempt 10/2/10
rx: Wellbutrin, valium
EMDR guinea pig (I'll let you know if it works)
User avatar
expressivecreative
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 713
Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2011 1:46 pm
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby alydvance » Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:46 pm

My father blends his narcissism in with religion. He uses it to give himself power, believing he is more righteous then everyone and that he has a superior connection to God then the rest of humankind gives him a built in platform for looking down on others. For all of his lectures he lacks true compassion. The way he speaks of those less fortunate is with a mix of disgust and contempt.

He is a cold person, he puts up a mask of calmness and composure but you never can sense that hes genuine. I was his scapegoat. He criticized everything about me. My hair, friends, body, clothes, makeup. How I held a fork, twirled my hair. Truely everything was nitpicked.

He did it just to me and when no one else could hear. Everyone saw him as a kind softspoken person, except my mom who was his victim until she left. No one believed me when I tried to get help. They thought I was making it up.

As a result of all of this, I became a very withdrawn person. An isolated person. I lived in my head and had major social issues. I had unreasonable fears about interacting with other people and viewed myself as a freak. Someone who was beamed down from another planet. I didn't feel emotions and never expressed any. I sincerely couldn't effectively name you any positives about myself. When someone complamented me I thought either they were delusional or lyeing.

I have found out that everything that was wrong, all of my pain and confusion was a result of his critiques. Even my sense of humor was influenced by him. When I was younger the only way I could laugh was by being sarcastic. By bringing others down and laughing at their mistakes.

He moved to Mexico to do mission work a few years ago so I don't have to see him but once a year. He does call though quite often now that Im married and am having my first baby. Its funny he calls me once a month now that he lives thousands of miles away but when I was growing up he lived in walking distance and only saw me once every six months.

Thanks to the distance and my husband's help, I have finally been uncovering who I actually am and how much he influenced my development. I have become kinder, more gentle. I show empathy for others and actually express emotions. I stand up for myself. But then I am still angry, I am hurt, I am worried for the future. I know at some point he will say something either to me, my soon to be born daughter, or my husband. That will force me to cut him off. Its really just a matter of when, not if. Im not so much afraid of losing him as I am about damaging the relationships I have with that side of my family. My grandmother, uncle and my brother.

If thats what it takes to keep my family healthy mentally, emotionally, then Ill do it but Im dreading that day.
alydvance
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:27 pm
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby Myampris » Tue Jul 15, 2014 1:12 pm

I'm so glad I found this board and this topic of Narcissistic Abuse and NPD. I have this compelling need to tell my story in a blog somewhere. Or on a board like this where I don’t have to explain the basics of dealing with Narcs and the incredible devastation they inflict.

I know this thread is kinda old so I'll just be brief for this post. Basically my father was the Narc and my mom had those tendancies. Both were incredibly cold and critical and void of empathy in any way. Actually the whole lot of them - both sides of relatives were like that to one degree or another. I just recently found the term NPD and, like solving a perplexing riddle I'd been working to solve for my whole life, everything just fell neatly into place. Amazing. I understand now why they did what they did. I knew they were toxic and I could NOT be around them any longer. So I went to zero contact about 12 years ago. As the years past, I was able to face down some of my "demons" and I started feeling better and better about myself and life in general. I still struggle a lot but I know now that it's truly NOT me. THEY are the crazy ones. Cutting them off probably saved my life. However...

About 2 years ago, due to a death in the family and then my daughter's wedding, I started having contact with them again. OK, that was fun. Going back to zero contact now…

If anything good came of this time, it was that I could finally put a label on what I've struggled with my whole life. Thank you all for posting your experiences. I see me and my family in many of the posts I’ve read. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to me.
Myampris
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 12:39 am
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 5:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby Fille » Sat Aug 01, 2015 1:08 am

Hi.

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm almost 50 years old, and I only just this year discovered that my mom has this personality disorder. I was an only child, so I had no frame of reference. It's only been through some very painful therapy that I even clued in. And I feel a little lost.

I knew as a child that something wasn't right in my family. My values were not the same as my parents, and were distinctively different from early teens onward. My mother's abuse and bigoted ideas didn't mesh with mine, and I developed my own independent thought quite early.

The bulk of my childhood involved emotional and verbal abuse, my mom treated me more like a sibling than a daughter, fights were vicious and completely unfair from the perspective of a 12 year old child vs a 35 year old woman.

I remember starving some weeks between my father's pay days because my mom had gone out and purchased the best persian rug, or a new chair, or some china -- but it was on sale, it was a deal! So the house was immaculate and only the best things bought, but my dad would put paper in the bottom of his shoes to make them last, and we would have mustard sandwiches for dinner in the days leading up to payday.

Her house was immaculate. She would be down on her hands and knees washing the floor each and every day. However, that meant that my father and I were often quardoned down to the basement for "at least two hours" after she finished cleaning the house. We were not allowed to mess it up.

She had two distinct faces. The one she put on for the public was always "together" and pleasant (Oh gosh your mom is SO nice!), and the one we saw when the doors closed was critical and abusive. Her fears became our fears. If we didn't share her fears, she would parrot the same thing over and over for weeks until you caved. If you walked out of the room to escape it, she would follow you around the house and keep parroting the same negative ideal until you went into the bathroom and locked the door to escape it. And even then, she'd stand on the other side of the door for 45 more minutes raging.

She isolated my father from his friends. Any new friend he'd get, she'd find something wrong with them, and criticize them (trash, low-rent people, etc) until my father gave up the friendship. She would try the same thing with me, all of my friends were dubious at best and influencing me in bad ways. She bullied me out of a number of friendships just through constant verbal abuse.

She had no real boundaries for privacy. My room would be searched continually to bolster up her idea that I was doing something wrong. When they found nothing (I was a good kid, my parents scared the crap out of me, so I behaved), they started tape recording my telephone conversations and then making me sit down and explain myself by playing them back to me.

They say narcissistic personality disorders are derived from having been showered with attention and gifts at a very young age, or at least that's what i've read is the budding start of it. However, my mom lost her mother at 17, and her father was away from the house for months at a time to support the family, leaving my mom to take care of her sister and brother -- often running out of money each month. She had a very tough childhood. So her background doesn't fit the typical profile.

I'm coming to terms with this whole thing through therapy. It's been quite the shock. Up until then I thought all mom's were like this, that all mothers were abusive and self-involved to the point of mania if not given attention. My mom actually stops eating for days to make herself sick, so that she winds up in hospital and whatever argument was happening is squashed. I've watched this happen for 15 years now. It breaks my heart. Nobody in the family wants to admit she's sick, they all just enable the behaviour to keep her quiet -- like a two year old having a tantrum in a toy store.

What I'm struggling with is the epiphany. Any bad behaviour done by my mom (and consequentially my dad, because he enables), is never accounted for. There's never been in my life any apology for abuse, or atrocious behaviour. What twists me into knots is a lifetime of trying to get her to be accountable for her actions and failing over and over -- and falling into that same pattern of not talking for a long time, then some crisis happens, we regroup and pretend like nothing bad ever happened in the past. It's never talked about, and never acknolwedged. I can't seem to get past this. And it's seeped out and affected the rest of my life.

Can anyone tell me, do narcissists ever claim responsibility for abuse? Is there some brilliant epiphany that makes them realize, in their hearts, what they've done? Or is this something I'm going to have to work very hard at letting go?

Thanks for reading my story. I'm sorry it's so long. Someone said prior in this thread it's like mourning someone who never existed. That couldn't be more true for me.
Fille
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 170
Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2015 12:34 am
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby realityhere » Sat Aug 01, 2015 11:44 pm

@fille,

"Can anyone tell me, do narcissists ever claim responsibility for abuse? "

An unaware N will never claim any responsibility for the abuse nor will she allow anyone to force accountability on her. She will either project it back onto you or a river of denial will follow. The N doesn't see her actions as abuse, that's the point. She is focused on herself and treats everyone around her as objects, not persons with their own feelings and thoughts.

Be thankful that you have experienced the epiphany about your N mom, the fact that "Nobody in the family wants to admit she's sick, they all just enable the behaviour to keep her quiet -- like a two year old having a tantrum in a toy store". It is a painful realization, but it's a realization that can help you understand that it's not your responsibility as her grown child to "parent" your N mom, to fix her disorder. Many ppl who have survived N abuse usually begin the difficult road of either low contact or no contact to minimize the stress and fallout from dealing with a N relative and her enablers. Keep seeing your therapist and read up everything you can get your hands on about the disorder, there are many online and book sources available, including this NPD forum and the SOF&F forum under the General tab at the top index of tabs on Psychforums. There is nothing like being armed with responsible information.

"Someone said prior in this thread it's like mourning someone who never existed. That couldn't be more true for me."

Her or you? Think about this: Your N mom never treated you as a separate person with a right to some boundaries-- she saw your existence as an extension of herself, just a mirror to reflect back your mom's false image of herself. Please don't be so hard on yourself and don't dwell on trying to make accountability your #1 priority-- it won't happen, so make taking care of yourself by minimizing the family toxicity as your #1 priority instead. Best of luck to you.
realityhere
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 254
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:31 pm
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby Fille » Sun Aug 02, 2015 3:33 pm

@realityhere

God bless you for your time. I'm in tears reading it.

I'm in tears realizing that I will never get resolution or accountability. Everything else I've slowly been able to grasp and understand, and with that understanding comes some tiny relief -- but I was struggling with the accountability stuff, and stubbornly pushing it my whole life. This will be my biggest challenge, I fear. I'm not sure having been "trained" my whole life I'll ever get closure because of it.

Therapy is helping. I'm reading, as you suggested, everything I can get my hands on. There's a lot of "aha!" moments -- relief realizing that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. The more I read, the better I seem able to cope.

And coming here and sharing my story was difficult. There's a massive part of me that feels I don't deserve anything, any kindness, and help.

So you taking the time to type out a thoughtful reply, really does mean the world to me. Thank you!

As for her or me? It was her I guess that I'm mourning. The mom I had stubbornly hoped she'd be for me all my life, and just wasn't.
Fille
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 170
Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2015 12:34 am
Local time: Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:29 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Après L Orage, HR_p, Ladywith3cats, livingnlearing2, Truth too late, Yahoo [Bot] and 172 guests

cron