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Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby bybb » Fri Apr 15, 2011 4:07 am

Hi, I so understand and can relate to what you say in your post. What we need to be mindful of is a narcissist, abuser, psychopath typically use the same behaviours to different degrees depending on who they are using them on. They work out who you are and then proceed to manipulate you the best way they see fit. The other issue is there are a lot of mind games this too is part of their manipulation tactics. It causes you to doubt your reality of what is going on, doubt your abilities and question what you do. Narcissists love to project their behaviour onto others and then blame the other person (victim/target) of the very same behaviour they themselves just inflicted. Some great videos on this topic can be found here.

http://www.youtube.com/user/beyourbrilliantbest
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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby AVR1962 » Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:12 am

I am 48, in counseling, currently dealing with the hold my narcisstic mother has had on me all my life. It was a struggle I could not identify with as a child. If I said anything, did anything that didn't please my mother she would not only criticize but recruit otehr family members to participate. My thinking was always wrong, there was no way to please her yet my father and my Gma were always telling me how I needed to try.

After reading and finally discoverying what has made me tick all these years, knowing that I have got involved with one narcissistic after the other, trying in vane to please people that I could never begin to please, I can reflect and feel great loss. Great loss for the life I was entitled to and was never given, the love and praise I never received. At the same time it makes me angry. My mom may not know any better but that doesn't change what has happened or who did this.

Because I "dared" to have my own thougths and live my own life without catering to her I paid the price and that price was having a relationship with anyone she could control.....my dad, my Gma, even my oldest daughter.

How to move on? Is there any other way but to try and find out what you want from life without the thoughts of who it might displease?
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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby Greatexpectations » Tue Apr 26, 2011 3:28 pm

Hi, AVRI1962

After reading and finally discoverying what has made me tick all these years, knowing that I have got involved with one narcissistic after the other, trying in vane to please people that I could never begin to please, I can reflect and feel great loss. Great loss for the life I was entitled to and was never given, the love and praise I never received. At the same time it makes me angry. My mom may not know any better but that doesn't change what has happened or who did this.

I understand the loss you speak of. I feel so much frustration when I look back. The crappy jobs (N parents had no interest in me and did not support my education) The awful N relationships I seemed to end up in (I must have victim written on me) Always, always, desperately trying to please. Trying to please Narcs, the more you try to please a narc the more difficult and obnoxious they became, So guess what, I'd try even harder!! To the point of exhaustion.
I had a lifetime of being told I was lazy, useless, an embarrassment and nothing but one big mistake

Yeah right, thanks Mommie Dearest.

Now at 55 with the help of this forum I realize the truth. It wasn't ME that was wrong it was them.
My life should have been very different too. I feel very angry and very bitter at times, I try not to be at least most of the time as it doesn't achieve anything.

I don't think you need worry about who you might displease any more you've done enough of that. If you want to do something and it pleases you just do it!

You can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself. :)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby LTJames » Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:44 pm

I see the term "traceless" is used here and there. I have searched for a definition as it relates to NPD abuse and I can't find a thing. What is it?
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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby expressivecreative » Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:08 pm

I've never heard "traceless," but if N survivors use it, it probably has to do with stealth abuse - the brilliant manipulation and emotional abuse that leaves no mark that can be "traced." Thus, there is no way to prove the abuse, so the N comes out unscathed and can even call himself the "victim," particularly if the devalued person leaves evidence of anger or acting out against the N.

The hardest part is that nobody believes you.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

dx: HPD with borderline tendencies, depression
suicide attempt 10/2/10
rx: Wellbutrin, valium
EMDR guinea pig (I'll let you know if it works)
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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby alydvance » Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:46 pm

My father blends his narcissism in with religion. He uses it to give himself power, believing he is more righteous then everyone and that he has a superior connection to God then the rest of humankind gives him a built in platform for looking down on others. For all of his lectures he lacks true compassion. The way he speaks of those less fortunate is with a mix of disgust and contempt.

He is a cold person, he puts up a mask of calmness and composure but you never can sense that hes genuine. I was his scapegoat. He criticized everything about me. My hair, friends, body, clothes, makeup. How I held a fork, twirled my hair. Truely everything was nitpicked.

He did it just to me and when no one else could hear. Everyone saw him as a kind softspoken person, except my mom who was his victim until she left. No one believed me when I tried to get help. They thought I was making it up.

As a result of all of this, I became a very withdrawn person. An isolated person. I lived in my head and had major social issues. I had unreasonable fears about interacting with other people and viewed myself as a freak. Someone who was beamed down from another planet. I didn't feel emotions and never expressed any. I sincerely couldn't effectively name you any positives about myself. When someone complamented me I thought either they were delusional or lyeing.

I have found out that everything that was wrong, all of my pain and confusion was a result of his critiques. Even my sense of humor was influenced by him. When I was younger the only way I could laugh was by being sarcastic. By bringing others down and laughing at their mistakes.

He moved to Mexico to do mission work a few years ago so I don't have to see him but once a year. He does call though quite often now that Im married and am having my first baby. Its funny he calls me once a month now that he lives thousands of miles away but when I was growing up he lived in walking distance and only saw me once every six months.

Thanks to the distance and my husband's help, I have finally been uncovering who I actually am and how much he influenced my development. I have become kinder, more gentle. I show empathy for others and actually express emotions. I stand up for myself. But then I am still angry, I am hurt, I am worried for the future. I know at some point he will say something either to me, my soon to be born daughter, or my husband. That will force me to cut him off. Its really just a matter of when, not if. Im not so much afraid of losing him as I am about damaging the relationships I have with that side of my family. My grandmother, uncle and my brother.

If thats what it takes to keep my family healthy mentally, emotionally, then Ill do it but Im dreading that day.
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Re: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - survivors?

Postby Myampris » Tue Jul 15, 2014 1:12 pm

I'm so glad I found this board and this topic of Narcissistic Abuse and NPD. I have this compelling need to tell my story in a blog somewhere. Or on a board like this where I don’t have to explain the basics of dealing with Narcs and the incredible devastation they inflict.

I know this thread is kinda old so I'll just be brief for this post. Basically my father was the Narc and my mom had those tendancies. Both were incredibly cold and critical and void of empathy in any way. Actually the whole lot of them - both sides of relatives were like that to one degree or another. I just recently found the term NPD and, like solving a perplexing riddle I'd been working to solve for my whole life, everything just fell neatly into place. Amazing. I understand now why they did what they did. I knew they were toxic and I could NOT be around them any longer. So I went to zero contact about 12 years ago. As the years past, I was able to face down some of my "demons" and I started feeling better and better about myself and life in general. I still struggle a lot but I know now that it's truly NOT me. THEY are the crazy ones. Cutting them off probably saved my life. However...

About 2 years ago, due to a death in the family and then my daughter's wedding, I started having contact with them again. OK, that was fun. Going back to zero contact now…

If anything good came of this time, it was that I could finally put a label on what I've struggled with my whole life. Thank you all for posting your experiences. I see me and my family in many of the posts I’ve read. Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to me.
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