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Narcissistic Parents

Postby faith01 » Sat Mar 26, 2011 5:21 pm

I am interested in learning how a parent who is narcissistic treats a child?
I have read online about it but wanted to learn more.
Will the parent be very protective over the child, to the point of almost not allowing them to make choices to have their own friends, possibly choosing their friends for them?

Can a parent be abusive only showing next to no love?
Can a parent for very loving to the point of total control and complete obsession over the child?
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Re: Narcissistic Parents

Postby Anais » Sat Mar 26, 2011 9:02 pm

Hi Faith,

Yes to all of the above.

There are 'engulfing' and 'ignoring' N parents.

An engulfer will completely consume the child to the point where any show of independence or character by the child constitutes a narcissistic injury to the parent. The child will be duly punished for this, generally by being reminded they are worthless.

An ignorer will neglect the child in favor of other, richer sources of narcissistic supply. Such a child may not even be bathed or fed properly.
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Re: Narcissistic Parents

Postby LifeSong » Sat Mar 26, 2011 10:09 pm

The simplest way for me to describe my experience with a narcissist mother is to say to others that she was (and is) a rewarder and punisher; I do not say that she is 'a narcissist', let alone NPD, as that term is loaded and everyone thinks they understand it but few do.

Narcissists reward what they consider good behavior in their children, and severely punish what they consider bad behavior.

Their ideas of what constitutes good vs bad behavior is where the screwed-upedness presents itself.
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Re: Narcissistic Parents

Postby sleepy fairy » Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:41 pm

Hi Faith,
I do not know as much as most people here about N's but from personal experience I agree with anais
Anais wrote:Yes to all of the above.

My father is generally whatever he wants to be to suit is mood. It is nothing to do with me but to do with what benfits him at that point in time. If he wants to appear as the 'concerned parent' to neighbours he will mention in a conversation his concerns, then behind closed doors actively make problems worse. If he wants to be loved and have something nice said to him he will 'fish' for compliments. If he wants to enjoy something he will engeneer a situation, if that works to my detriment so be it, if that works to my advantage and I end up having fun then it's a nice co-incidence.
Whatever happens it has to be him that is the centre of attention, the best, the most loved etc. and if not there is hell to pay. Mam said it all when she pointed out to me my father had been the only one walking round Disneyland's Magic Kingdom with a frown - people were happy, and it wasn't anything to do with him, he wasn't center of attention and mam and I were too distracted to be constantly 'stroking his ego' (as we call it).
I find myself feeling sorry for him. Is it that N's can't relax and are constantly on the look out for their next 'supply' to feed their condition? If it is it must be a terrible situation to be trapped in.
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Re: Narcissistic Parents

Postby always.something » Sat Apr 09, 2011 7:30 pm

I'm curious what the effect is of growing up with a narcissistic parent? Anyone here believe they are narcissistic because of being brought up by N parent or was it due to something else?

I ask because my wife has definite symptoms. I'm worried that she may pass it on, if not already. My girls seem pretty typical for their age (5 & 6).

I don't want to hijack this thread. If you want me to post a new thread I will. No offense taken (I have pretty thick skin by now).
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Re: Narcissistic Parents

Postby Run » Sun Apr 10, 2011 10:00 am

always.something wrote:I'm curious what the effect is of growing up with a narcissistic parent? Anyone here believe they are narcissistic because of being brought up by N parent or was it due to something else?

I ask because my wife has definite symptoms. I'm worried that she may pass it on, if not already. My girls seem pretty typical for their age (5 & 6).

I don't want to hijack this thread. If you want me to post a new thread I will. No offense taken (I have pretty thick skin by now).


My opininon: if there are more children, often one is the victim. The other familymembers can copy the narcissistic behaviour of the main narcissistic and punish the victim too.
You have to watch out who becomes the victim and help her of him.

I was such a victim with a narcissistic mother, I have four brothers. One of them is her second hand but he is just stupid. Another is clever, but copies the behaviour of my mother. He doesn't understand what he is doing. One brother is the favorite of my mother and he sees nothing strange in the behaviour of my mother. One brother is keeping a distance, but is also not seeing totally what is going on and has become a neurotic. Even sisters in law are not immune!
So yes, there is a chance your daughters are going to copy the behaviour of the mother, I think. With the consequences for their children! (Sorry for my English.)
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Re: Narcissistic Parents

Postby always.something » Tue Apr 12, 2011 2:42 pm

Run,
Thanks for your reply. I have been buying books on how to cope with NPD/BPD and the outlook is pretty bleak. Everytime I think about leaving I see my girl's eyes looking at me begging me not to go. It would be a rough separation and I know my wife would make it as difficult and painful as possible. She would likely tell my kids that it's all my fault, including instructing them to ignore me or beg for my return. She won't play fair, never has. This will be one of the most difficult decisions of my life if I choose to leave.
This is all such a tragedy. Why should I have to tear my family apart despite loving my wife? Crazy.
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