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Devalue, Discard and Ignore

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Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby expressivecreative » Sun Mar 06, 2011 8:57 pm

I'm starting a lot of threads today because I'm sick in bed with the flu and a little bored lol. I hope nobody minds.

I'm wondering what goes on in the mind of a N when he does the D&D and ignore thing with a girlfriend. What sort of crime would have to be committed to be discarded like this? And what is with the "silent treatment" thing? Also, would an emotional source of supply (say a married female friend) be an adequate replacement for a girlfriend? Do you ever go back to the discarded person?
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby unreal » Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:41 pm

We get bored and look for another way to entertain ourselves. It's like you stop playing a game you don't want to play anymore. Or throwing old magazines away. About the same level of emotional involvement.

We go back if supply runs dry.
What we are concerned with is narcissism in a pathological sense, with self-love that serves as a cloak for self-hatred. The polarities of self-hatred and self-love are linked together in the defensive system, but the nuclear problem is the self-hatred.
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby Megishere » Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:23 am

Boy, I was definitely the recipient of the ignore treatment by my ex-N BF.

I strongly believe that ignoring people is a form of emotional abuse. It's a tool employed by those that feel out of control and weak. They do it hoping you will continue to contact them over and over, as it makes them feel powerful, and proves their worth and desirability.

It's pretty effed up, IMO. As I have met only one person as an adult who has ever done this to me.

I begged my narc to meet me when we split, as I wanted to have a closure talk, clear the air, and wish him well. He ignored every request I sent. I know now it only fed him in that sick way he gets off on. Sad, really.

I think a real narc replaces a GF with any of the back burner women he has ready to go, as I don't believe a narc ever fully invests in just one person at a time. It would be far too dangerous. Normal people suffer breakups. Narcs would never expose themselves to such a situation. Because of course, they don't HAVE to, right? ;)
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby expressivecreative » Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:26 am

Yeah, they want to leave you with no closure. Being an HPD, I go especially nutso when ignored, so not a good scene lol. I am really in a good place right now - well, sort of - focusing on myself more instead of romanticizing him, so he is NEVER GOING TO HEAR FROM ME AGAIN and it feels good to say that.

They do get off on the attention. I am comforted, though, because my Narc is rather average looking and generally comes across as a pompous a s s if he talks at all. He is generally very introverted and has no idea how to seduce a woman. I'm also thinking that VERY few women would put up with him for more than like 2 weeks, so he will probably be alone for a good long time. That's my revenge for the silent treatment.

Although our breakup was insanely messy (can you imagine an HPD / NPD relationship?), like you I just wanted closure and an amicable ending to all of it. I work with him and am still being ignored. No contact is the only way to go.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

dx: HPD with borderline tendencies, depression
suicide attempt 10/2/10
rx: Wellbutrin, valium
EMDR guinea pig (I'll let you know if it works)
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby Megishere » Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:47 am

expressivecreative wrote:I'm also thinking that VERY few women would put up with him for more than like 2 weeks, so he will probably be alone for a good long time.


LOL. SO true!

My ex-N told me before we met, that he dated someone 4 times, and she just disappeared. I think we can agree that she had his number, and just bolted. Smart girl.

I think they stay with people that are easily controlled and are used to getting less. But, only for a little while, since they get bored easily, right?

I'm always fascinated by a Narc marriage. Seems like such an unusual state for them.

The Narc gets off on not giving us closure, so I think your solution is the right one. To ignore him back.
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby expressivecreative » Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:56 am

Did yours replace you with a new supply? Mine has a new supply who is beautiful, successful, extroverted, the center of every social event, and married. And I'm pretty positive they are not sleeping together. She just strokes his ego - they are "best friends" and as he's a cerebral narc, sex is not that important to him anyway. I'm just hoping he's miserable when she goes away for her usual 3 month summer vacay. I'm also hoping (we're all in grad school) that she will get a job in some far away place and leave him high and dry.

I'm learning to face my fears, so I am no longer avoiding him at work. I'll just be there, happy, gorgeous, and like "you can't have this, too bad." :)
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

dx: HPD with borderline tendencies, depression
suicide attempt 10/2/10
rx: Wellbutrin, valium
EMDR guinea pig (I'll let you know if it works)
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby Megishere » Wed Mar 09, 2011 2:24 am

Yes, he did, but not until after I had replaced him. He had been contacting me for months until I told him I had a BF. During this time, he tried a few times to connect with me, and I rebuffed him each time. As soon as I told him I had a BF, he disappeared. Only to tell me last week, three months after we last spoke, that he is "getting engaged in two months." lol. I don't believe the engagement, btw. I think it was a lie to try and hurt me.

Married? My ex-N had an affair with a married woman for years before we met. I imagine it was a perfect set-up for him. He could appear "normal" as he even referred to her as his GF (um, banging some guys wife a few days a week does not make her a GF), so he could tell his work associates he had a GF (he only has one friend - truly, so he didn't have to tell them anything - lol), she could adore him for a few hours and make him the full focus of her attention, he never had to engage in any type of icky emotional connection, since it was an affair, and he could get the sex that he prides himself on being such a great showman at.

I think the married person is a perfect set-up for the Narc.

You can read all about him on the thread I posted today. :)
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby undenied » Wed Mar 09, 2011 6:34 am

expressivecreative wrote:Yeah, they want to leave you with no closure.


Butting in. :D I'm not sure that this is on purpose. I think it's just a side effect. To them it's done, which means you no longer exist, there isn't anything to close. ...Just saying I think there's a lot more obliviousness to it than intention.
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby Anais » Wed Mar 09, 2011 9:12 am

I agree undenied. If you no longer offer the type of supply they are interested in, you don't exist. They're not "ignoring" you.

Also, it's dangerous to assume the supply they are trying to trigger from you is romantic or sexual interest or even a reply response. They may equally be trying to trigger an ignoring episode from you, and get supply from that. :shock:

As unreal said, they do come back when supply is running low. But if you don't give the particular supply they are after when they reconnect, they don't go "damn! no supply"

They go-

[nothing] [zero] [nothing goes here] [blank]

and move right along.
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Re: Devalue, Discard and Ignore

Postby expressivecreative » Wed Mar 09, 2011 2:19 pm

So if you "no longer exist," how do narcs feel when they work with you and you keep appearing in front of their face - when they are constantly reminded of your existence?

And don't they get some kind of supply from the idea that you are still infatuated with them? I thought the silent treatment was more like a punishment, like "you screwed up, so you are no longer allowed the privilege of my super-special company."
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

dx: HPD with borderline tendencies, depression
suicide attempt 10/2/10
rx: Wellbutrin, valium
EMDR guinea pig (I'll let you know if it works)
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