nomoretears wrote: It raises another question, though. And I guess the questions, until I come to terms with this, will keep coming.
Keep asking the questions Nomoretears – you will find the answers on this forum if you search hard enough. And although this experience may seem singular to you, you will find that your questions are the same ones we all had once. The uniformity of experience is astounding!
nomoretears wrote: Could the problem have happened when I started doubting things, things he said, things he said he did, and was more vocal about it? Towards the end of the relationship, I began to doubt everything, and while I never confronted him about these doubts, I think they started to manifest themselves in my attitude toward him. I no longer believed everything he said and did was "right." I never told him so, but those doubts clearly were there. The "rose-colored glasses" started to get a bit foggy, I guess, and maybe he realized this
YES! This is it exactly. The Narcissistic individual is acutely and intensely focused on your ‘mirroring’ of him. It is the only evidence he has that he is who he says he is. You reflecting this back is therefore of enormous importance to him. It reassures him that he is a ‘good person’ and worthwhile and he can ignore any evidence to the contrary and concentrate solely on your reinforcement of his positive characteristics.
But this means that any relationship he has is doomed to failure. For, in time, we all see our partners through less than rose-tinted glasses, we all begin to spot their machinations or their selfishness or incredible entitlement. And eventually even the most benevolent creature in the world will begin to feel disgruntled, and will begin to question the Narcissist’s behaviour. We want more than to be the Narcissist’s ‘fan’: we want more reciprocity. Feeling let down and insignificant becomes more commonplace. To some extent the Narcissist pushes us towards this because he must test us, perhaps by behaving in less and less acceptable ways until we react and when we do – our fate is sealed.
With his highly-tuned powers of observation the Narcissist sees this – sees it clearly, and he begins to detach. There and then. He may feign interest for a while, until he is ready to completely devalue you and the relationship. But you know – and he knows you know. This is a part of the dance in which you try to explain to him that you want him to be more committed or be ‘more like he was in the beginning’. For him this criticism means only one thing – you do not love him and when you said that you did, it was a lie. He may even say this outright. You have cheated him you see –just as others cheated him. Therefore you deserve everything you get and more. And that decision is FINAL – no shades of grey, no reflection, no consideration of any evidence to the contrary (again). You have misled and tried to humiliate him and he will not tolerate it.
Not sure if any of that struck a chord, but it is my experience of the dynamics. Once you being to doubt/criticise/question even the Narcissistic individual then YOU are not who you said you were – therefore, you have to go!