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Why so vindictive?

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Why so vindictive?

Postby jbck123 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:28 am

I'm unsure anyone has any good advice or tips but I'm hoping to gain something. Without great detail to bore anyone with, I have been with my husband for over 8 years, we have 2 young children. It's been a painful relationship for as long as I can remember. In any event, I just want out at this point. I have tried to leave 2 times in the past and end up back with him....the threats, lawyers, "going to take the kids", screaming at me in front of them, refusing to give them back after visitation, etc....proves to be to much. Not to mention the vicious lies he tells of me. I end up scared to death at the idea of him having visitation with the children without me being there as I realize he has a right to that and will fight for me or so he says during these times.

I've read all about NPD. I'm tired of reading about it, trying to understand, make sense of it and on and on. I just want out and I realize everyone is different but I freeze because I can't seem to figure out "how" to do it. As in the best way to end it....is an explanation better? he seems to go into some sort of a trance when I even mention how I feel so I don't see how that can matter. Is one sentence best? "You just don't work for me any longer, bye".....Is there no way to minimize the freak out in him?

I realize I don't have to listen to it, etc. And I won't but the 3rd party ways he gets to me will begin in a matter of 48 hours....lawyer, emails telling me he thinks it's best the kids are with him due to my "problems" and on and on.

I don't guess there is a way to minimize his "vindictive" side is there?
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Re: Why so vindictive?

Postby Chucky » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:46 am

Hey,

The answer is that there is no easy way through this. If that's what you're looking for, then you will not find it. However, it can be made more 'comfortable' if you plan ahead. You also must have 100% confidence that the next time you initiate the 'break'
, that you stick to it. Enlisting support of friends and family is advisable. Just let them know of your plans. They can provide support if it becomes too difficult. regarding legal issues and the children - well - these cannot be avoided. He is the father and
in the eyes of the law this means that he has a right to see them. Which is worse: Continuing to live with him or just seeing him occasionaly when he comes to see the children? Additionally, you must realise that many of his 'threats' are probably idle [threats], used specifically to scare you and make you feel 'small'

Whether he eventually gets help for his behaviour is not your concern. For all intents and purposes, he is no longer in your life and you owe it to your own self and sanity to move on.

Look after yourself,
Kevin
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Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
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Re: Why so vindictive?

Postby jbck123 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:02 pm

I was, unrealistically, wanting some sort of easy way out. Rationally, I realize there isn't one. I am 100 sure, this time there will be no returning. Thank you for the words and reminder.
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Re: Why so vindictive?

Postby bja999 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 10:18 pm

jbck123 wrote: I realize I don't have to listen to it, etc. And I won't but the 3rd party ways he gets to me will begin in a matter of 48 hours....lawyer, emails telling me he thinks it's best the kids are with him due to my "problems" and on and on.

I don't guess there is a way to minimize his "vindictive" side is there?


No, he is going to be angry that you have the nerve to grow a spine and want to live a joyful caring life you deserve. He will be the worst you can imagine... but you do not have to see it or hear it. You totally cut him off, do not listen to another word he has to say unless it is through your attorney. You hire an attorney before you leave, file for spouse support and child support for the time you are separated, as the final divorce could take months, you file for supervised visits only, even if they are held at a place with a social worker, you file for court order of protection for yourself and your children, as he's threatened violence and threatened to kidnap the children.

You change your e-mail address NOW - not for him, but for everyone else. When you leave, you cancel the e-mail address he knows, that same day. If you are required to communicate with him, get a gmail account and get it all in writing. Do not let him call you on the phone and spew his threats at you. If you are required to give him a phone number, buy a Pay as you go phone and give him that number. Never answer your personal phone if he calls it. Never Ever!

You arrange a safe place to live - even moving in with a family member or a friend, so he can not come there and know you are alone. Having roommates helps during this time, because they will witness everything he does at their home and they will call the police if he gets violent.

When you move out, have the court order and divorce papers served to him that same day. Have friends and family on hand, perhaps when he is at work, to come and take everything you need so you never have to go back. Rent a u-haul truck and move in one go!!!

With planning and clear thinking, you can separate from him and not take any more of his abuse. Knowing what he did before is good for you to prepare for it now. Even if it means changing everything, phone numbers, etc... do it!
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Re: Why so vindictive?

Postby jbck123 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:31 pm

Thank you. I will certainly do all of that. He and I already have attorneys from last time. This time, I don't want to pretend it's going to be easy but something in me is much different. Not that I'm above fearing his tactics, I wouldn't imagine anyone likes to hear threats of "taking the children" and the like but I don't feel sad for him or have any thoughts of "maybe its me" etc. I tried for order of protection last time, everyone was shocked I didn't get it. The judge just gave him a lecture and he had a grin i'll not likely forget as he felt so good being able to present such a put together package. He does well professionally and has a few friends just snowball into believing its "poor him" and what all he's had to put up with. To be honest, the courts frighten me more than he does considering I was denied order of protection last time after all the crappy he's done. Of course same judge was under terrible pressure a month later after denying another girls and she was killed a week later, go figure. My attorney said the judge we got isn't the worst or his favorite, somewhere in the middle. If that's the middle, I'm just floored. I'm trying, I want to succeed but I do fear him with the children. He is a total stage dad. It's not easy to leave only because of them. The thought of him getting weekend visits makes me cringe. I believe with all I am that if something happened and it came down to life or death and the truth would save their life, he'd lie if he felt the truth would make him look bad or at blame. I hate the word "blame" because of him, it seems to be all that registers to him....of course, he's not to blame. But I am so sick of anything surrounding the concept of blame....blah.
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