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My Ex N Has a GF and continues to try to HOOVER

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My Ex N Has a GF and continues to try to HOOVER

Postby FOff » Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:53 am

This is ONLY a very brief summary…

My Ex N and I broke up last year after I discovered his true self. I saw firsthand how his other side when I read info about how he was putting me down, but tried to cover up who he really was around me. I experienced all criticizing, belittling, demeaning behavior, the "I can do it, but you can't" and/or 'it's ok for me, but nor for you" behavior. I experienced everything I've read on narcissism and what others' have written about on this board.

After we first broke up I blocked his emails and phone, and he created a new email to try and contact me. I ignored him and after 2 months, he calls from a private # to give me a fake apology. I allowed him back in as a friend, though he was already seeing someone within days after our breakup.

Then last Christmas I allowed him to Hoover and I realized he did not change and stopped communicating again with him for another 6 weeks. This all while he was supposedly still in a relationship that he did not call a relationship. I thought, like many, that I could help him and make him realize what he was doing was wrong. Obviously all I did was drive myself crazy. So after those 6 weeks, I run into him on a street one night and I stupidly thought it was a sign that maybe I was supposed to help him (we bumped into each other in front of a church...LOL). Anyway, he "admitted" he has issues and problems with women and that he always "loved" me. That made me weak again and so once again I allowed him to suck me in.

Once again, I realized he is just a lost cause and I have to give up on any ideas of trying to help him really see what he was doing is all wrong. He was still "seeing" this girl, while telling me he "loves" me. And AGAIN I blocked his # and emails, but this time...I ignored him even when I saw him in person. I made him go crazy in public one day when his true narcissist came out and he went into a psychotic rage because I ignored him. He even grabbed my hand and talked right in my face and I did not move. I showed no emotion. He went nuts! And I exposed him because it was amongst people we both know. Everyone at that place got to see the real devil inside.

He then began sending me emails and text messages by creating new email addresses and would go to online text messaging services to send me text messages. I ignored it all...up until his birthday in March came around. He began apologizing and acting as if he couldn't live because he was oh so in love with me. Please! I knew it was all a lie! And I decided to play along. I said..."How can you tell me you're in love with me when you're continuing a relationship with someone else?" he said that he felt he had to stay with this woman even though he was unhappy because he had to finish something with her. I asked what and he just said "just trust that I will tell you." I thought this was all another BS ploy and said I was not going to play into his sick game and even sent him an email stating the following:

"
I love you, BUT… I’m seeing someone else. I’m also having sex with him, but I don’t want a real relationship with him. I’m giving this person a lot of affection, attention, understanding, and also compromising more than I ever did with you. I respect him and care for him a lot, but I don’t love him. I love YOU. He knows I have this connection /communication with you and doesn’t like it. I don’t plan on being with him in the long-term because he is just not for me. He’s good to me, but I don’t see myself with him as I see myself with you.

But, even though I love you and I consider you my soul mate, I’m still going to keep seeing him and having sex with him and giving him respect and all the unlimited affection he asks for. I tried to leave, but he’s holding a gun to my head and so I am still with him while loving only you.

Can you accept that? Are you okay with me “seeing” this other man as we work on building our trust again as “soul mates”? Does that define trust to you? Or, am I being inconsistent by expressing how much I love only you and want us to rebuild trust while we have a “relationship” with other people we only care about and don’t love because we love only one another?

How do YOU feel now? Does that SCENARIO of me being with another man as I’m communicating with you and expressing how much I love you bother you at all? Does it hurt you? Does it feel like I just played with your heart and emotions? If you answered YES, then you know how I feel because that is exactly what you are doing and telling ME!"

So right now you want to see your GF while “REBUILDING” my trust. Does that make sense to you? How can you rebuild my trust and at the same time have an emotional / sexual / affectionate relationship with your GF?"


Of course that was all a waste because he didn't get it and just said I was wrong for giving him an ultimatum. I didn't care what he thought because at that point I already knew he was trying to mess with me. And so after that brief hoovering, I again initiated NC successfully until September of this year.

THEN>>>one of our mutual friends convinced me to call him because she said he wasn't functioning and was going crazy because this was the longest I wouldn't be moved by his efforts from April 2010 through September. I said NO to her and she gave me some BS about forgiving and moving on and that I could at least acknowledge him and say hi. So...I allowed myself to be manipulated by her since she is his friend too.
AND STILL THIS ENTIRE TIME HE IS STILL WITH THAT SAME GF ON AND OFF.

So...I spoke with him and then exchanged a few emails, but that's it and then one day after I felt a little more at ease that I was strong and would not be moved, we met in person and then he began complaining about his relationship and how he made a mistake and all that BS. Again I knew what he was doing...so again, I decided to play along and after I did...I was perfectly fine and then told him that day, September 17th was our final goodbye.

And to this day I have been clean.

However...this time because I was sure and 100% adamant I was sick of him and his useless nature as an honest human being, I changed my # completely so he would not be able to send me online text messages. I blocked my emails, but made sure to adjust the setting to ONLY accept emails from email addresses I allow so that he would not be able to send me emails by creating new addresses. I also blocked people I thought he'd have contact me.

Everything was quiet for a few weeks.

I'd still run into him at our gym, but totally ignored him like a fly on the wall.

Then one day on October 24th he added a comment to one of my articles at a site I contribute for trying to demean me. I had the comment deleted and had all comments on my articles disabled from that day onward. Then on December 3rd, he somehow found out my # and send me an online text message again demeaning me, I ignored it and changed my # again. I confronted the person whom I thought gave it to him, but she denied it. I then decided to try and trust her and gave her my new # again. But the very next day, I found out she hung out with him and his GF (yes, the same one he complained to me about several times) and I changed my # again. Why? Well because I don’t want anyone he is friendly with to have my #. I don't want anything to do with him and that final goodbye to me was goodbye for good as far as I'm concerned. This is why I took all these extra steps now. I deleted the MySpace acct he assumed was for him to know I was still thinking of him. I blocked all outsiders from communicating with me on FB...I'm doing everything possible and have done everything possible to let him know he has been deleted.

He finally moved away 2 weeks ago and I thought it would finally be over...that I'd never have to hear of him again. But yesterday the cleaning guy at our gym (who also isn't too fond of my Ex N), saw him there. He moved far away and would have to drive for 45 minutes to get to the gym he'd see me at all the time. What was he doing there? He didn’t workout. I was told he came in...looked around a bit and left. Hmm? What do you all think?

p.s. YES...he is still with that same GF.
FOff
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Re: My Ex N Has a GF and continues to try to HOOVER

Postby bja999 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 6:45 pm

FOff wrote:
Then one day on October 24th he added a comment to one of my articles at a site I contribute for trying to demean me. I had the comment deleted and had all comments on my articles disabled from that day onward. Then on December 3rd, he somehow found out my # and send me an online text message again demeaning me, I ignored it and changed my # again. I confronted the person whom I thought gave it to him, but she denied it. I then decided to try and trust her and gave her my new # again. But the very next day, I found out she hung out with him and his GF (yes, the same one he complained to me about several times) and I changed my # again. Why? Well because I don’t want anyone he is friendly with to have my #. I don't want anything to do with him and that final goodbye to me was goodbye for good as far as I'm concerned. This is why I took all these extra steps now. I deleted the MySpace acct he assumed was for him to know I was still thinking of him. I blocked all outsiders from communicating with me on FB...I'm doing everything possible and have done everything possible to let him know he has been deleted.


You are doing it right! You are taking care of yourself. Those who think he's so great, let them deal with him!!

He is coming around when he has nothing else to do. What's an hour drive when you are bored? He is looking for people he knows at the gym, you and others too. Just anyone he can say Hi to. When you see him, it's your test, to just see him as someone you used to know, old co-worker, old neighbor, old schoolmate, etc... to say hello and keep going. If it causes you to not want to go to the gym, see if they have another location and you just start going there. Either way, be kind to yourself and know you are safe and he will no longer effect your life.
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