SenseAtLast wrote:I have been exactly where you are. You are not alone.
I don't have time at present for more than a quick response. My advice is do not say anything to your wife or indeed anyone until
a) you have seen an experienced therapist who has expertise in personality disorders;
b) seen a lawyer. This might seem extreme but both a counsellor and my accountatn gave me that advice on separation. I ignored it and it cost my nearly US$100k. (I am not located in the US BTW.)
Dove91801 wrote:I sat all of my children down (the ones who are old enough to understand) and I told them that their dad was failing them spiritually and emotionally. I explained that because of his horrific childhood, that his thinking is disordered. I said that I am trying to emotionally be their father and mother and they need to understand this as a sickness in his mind. I have explained that we both fail in some ways, and they hopefully with learn to forgive.
The basis for this is their relationship with their Dad (or Mum) is their relationship with their Dad and it is not the role of the other parent to be involved or influence that relationship.
Further, if you do this and the children report it to the other parent, the legal system in my country will take a very strong view. At the extreme, we have had at least one case of a woman running down the father to the children and preventing access and then being sentenced to a jail term. In another case, the woman lost "everyday" custody and the child was basically forced to live with the father.
I appreciate your viewpoint on this. It is a very touchy subject and was a hard decision to make. I did not tell my children about their father until they were old enough to start complaining about how much he yells and how he is never happy. They discovered his character themselves. They started asking why he expects so much of them, but does none of it himself. We hear him constantly tell us what to do, but he takes no initiative to ever help anyone. Just makes demands. Of my 3 oldest children, the youngest is 8, she is very sensitive and I believe they all came to their own conclusions.
My children would never tell their father of this conversation, I don't have to tell them not to tell him. They do not talk to him about things because they are afraid. You cannot have a regular conversation with him about anything and they know this. When they are with him, they are quiet and only answer question, he does not engage.
I was advised by a devout Catholic psychologist and a Catholic priest (both of whom I trust immensely) to have this conversation with my children. My goal is to protect them from damage. Also, I have no intention of leaving him.
protect wrote:I decide to stay in the marriage to protect the children, and hopefully helping my wife.
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