protect wrote:I decide to stay in the marriage to protect the children, and hopefully helping my wife.
It sounds like you are a bit stronger and more secure than I was. I was at my wits end and was become less and less functional.
In the end I determined to leave because, to the degree than an NPD'er is incurable, there was never going to be any change. I needed to look after myself at that point.
Other reasons though included having a relationship with my children outside of my ex-. If my ex- was present any interaction with my children was quickly brought to centre on her. For example, if I asked the kids a question about school she would respond. If I played a game with the kids she would interefere telling us what the rules ought to be. She would take over even the most mundane of activities.
Another reason is that we lived in chaos. There was no housework being done, the kids were feral a lot of the time etc. In leaving I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted 50/50 custody. We waited till we thought the kids were ready but at nearly 8 & 6, they actually requested we move to the 50/50 so they could be with Daddy.
I implemented pretty normal routines such as having a list of jobs, getting homework done and set routine for bed times. And I got to feed them, bathe them, care for them when they were sick and actually take great care of my kids. Within three months of implementing this I received three reports from school parents saying the children's behaviours had improved noticeably.
So leaving gave the opportunity for my kids to go from being wary of me to them finding out who I really am and having what I consider deep, profound relationships -- as parent and child (I'm not into being their buddy thing). Anyone who watches the kids at handover or school pickup where they rush up to me and crush me with their hugs can see something must be working.
I got to be a real parent free from the domination an NPD partner brings to their household. And the kids got to see another way of being with children. I got to model the behaviours I would like the children to learn (and some they shouldn't learn). So they have got to learn two different ways which they accomodate without a problem.
I'm not advocating leaving but highlighting that in terms of the kids leaving has been a postive experience. The htree years of litigation has been sa lot more probelematic but if I had detrmined never to trust me ex- from the the daye of leaving many problems would have been avoided.