Our partner

How to cope w/seeing ex N daily/weekly

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: narcbolan, masquerade, Esquire

How to cope w/seeing ex N daily/weekly

Postby blueguitarb » Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:02 pm

hello,

I'd like to introduce myself to the forum. I recently "discovered" (on my own) that my ex is a narcissist. reading the profiles, criteria, and other peoples experiences has been so fascinating, comforting, and validating. I have been suffering for months since the breakup, constantly searching for answers and reasons. I loved him SO much and thought he felt the same, I really thought he was the one, that this was it. he went from treating me like i was the center of his universe (and he was my dream man) to cutting me off completely and acting as if I never mattered, like he hardly knew me. i have been depressed for months now, feeling worthless and alone.

From the reading I have done online, it seems he is a "compensatory" narcissisit. He is not as "monesterous" or full-blown as some of the profiles i have read. I have not experienced/witnessed narcissistic rage, except for him devaluing and discarding me when he broke us up. I can definitely relate to the accounts of hypomania, idealations, constant need for affirmation, and narcissistic supply that i have read about.

During the peak of our relationship he would say he "needed me like he needed oxygen" that i was his everything, we were soulmates, a spiritual force brought us together, that he would go anywhere for me. we started planning our future together after graduation. at first I was so happy because he appeared to be the man i've always wanted. we had the same dreams, goals, aspirations. little did i know that he was mirroring me, turning himself into what i wanted. i started questioning things later when he became more and more needy.. he was constantly doubting my love for him, asking me again how much i loved him. at the same time talking about our future life together, our children, our wedding. then, about 4 1/2 months in, i was supposed to meet his parents (he had already met my parents and my friends), he grew increasingly paranoid. then, out of the blue, just like that, he ended our relationship (just days before i was supposed to fly to meet his parents), and cut me off completely. he did not call, inquire about how i was doing, explain his sudden change of heart. when we were back at school he agreed to meet with me but showed no emotions. he was cold, dead inside. he admitted he "handled things badly" and that he was "dissapointed in himself" but showed absolutely no emotion, no remorse, no empathy for what happened. it was as if he knew he did something wrong and the it hurt me, but he had no way at all of empathizing. no explanation of how overnight i went from being his soul mate to a stranger.

A part of me thinks he knows, on some level, that he has a PD of some sort. when i was searching for explanation, one thing he said to me (that i had to practically force out of him) was that he had to break up with me then because he had gone through something (didnt say what) like this before, had gotten therapy, and he knew he (or maybe he said "it") would "only get worse." he said that i deserved much better.

Apart from our relationship, he fits the general descriptions of an N (specifically compensatory N) perfectly. I could go on and on about all the different things about him that fit into the criteria and profile perfectly. wild ideations, dreams of grandiur, removed socially, very insecure but acts very arrogant, uses people for his own benefit.. it goes on and on and on.

for months now i have felt so lost, and confused, and alone. my friends and family have been here for me, but i never felt they truly understood how hard, and unusual, the break up was on me. to make matters worse, we are both in graduate school together and I have to see my ex every day (often unexpectedly). this has been a a daily battle for me. when he sees me, it's as if i am anyone else or i dont even exist. i now understand that he is an N, i was his supply and when he felt that ran out, he abandoned me before i could abandon him. he's is in his "zombie" like state and is not even capable of feeling or caring for me. I dont think he wants to hurt me, and i think he's ashamed of himself, but at the same time he hasnt, and isnt going to, change it. he has no feeling in him.

Has anyone else here had to see their ex N on a daily/weekly basis? How do you cope?
blueguitarb
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 4:45 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: How to cope w/seeing ex N daily/weekly

Postby blueguitarb » Sat Nov 06, 2010 9:37 pm

i'm sorry that post was so long, perhaps it has hindered people from responding? this is my first time sharing/opening up about all this so i suppose i was eager to tell my story.

but i'd reall apreciate any feedback on what to do when you have to see an ex N EVERY day. the no contact rule doesnt really apply. do i just act like i dont see him when i obviously do (ie he is right in front of me).

also, what about his friends? do i assume he's told them awful things about me? do i avoid them to?

Luckily my ex doesnt seem to want to cause trouble for me, he has said he's disappointed with how he handled things and i deserve better (but does not acknowledge our past, his feelings or show empathy).

any feedback would be great :?
blueguitarb
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 4:45 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to cope w/seeing ex N daily/weekly

Postby velouria » Sun Nov 07, 2010 4:34 pm

Hi blue,

Sorry for lack for reply.

but i'd reall apreciate any feedback on what to do when you have to see an ex N EVERY day. the no contact rule doesnt really apply. do i just act like i dont see him when i obviously do (ie he is right in front of me).


NC does apply - it just needs to be adapted. Make three columns on a sheet of paper: "No Choice," "Choice," "Free."

"No Choice" represents those times you believe you have no choice in interacting with him.

"Choice" represents those times you feel you have a choice.

"Free" represents when you don't see him at all.

List each time as it relates to each column heading. Start by analyzing the "No Choice" column and think about how you can move items into the "Choice" column. The goal is to get as many items into "Choice" as you can and think about how you can honor yourself in those times. The eventual goal is, of course, to get as many items into the "Free" column as possible, but don't pressure yourself. Just get a handle on this and understand your power to control your interactions with him, down to not having to interact with him at all.

As for those times that remain in the "No Choice" column, think about how you can manage those instances. This is about minimizing interaction down to the task at hand. If it is required that you interact with him, you can still be in NC by keeping those minimal interactions down to business and business only.

also, what about his friends? do i assume he's told them awful things about me? do i avoid them to?


Safe assumption. I wouldn't avoid them like the plague. I'd just keep things business-like with them, as well.

Luckily my ex doesnt seem to want to cause trouble for me, he has said he's disappointed with how he handled things and i deserve better (but does not acknowledge our past, his feelings or show empathy).


Yes, consider yourself extremely lucky and use that to further your freedom from this person. Don't analyze it, just "get gone."

Good luck to you. :)
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
velouria
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1053
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:43 am
Local time: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to cope w/seeing ex N daily/weekly

Postby blueguitarb » Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:09 pm

velouria wrote: Don't analyze it, just "get gone."

)


Thank you, you are right.
blueguitarb
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 4:45 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to cope w/seeing ex N daily/weekly

Postby blueguitarb » Wed Nov 10, 2010 2:04 pm

Another, related, question:

Is it ever worth confronting an ex N's friend? I am in a setting where I see my ex and his friends every day. one friend in particular gives me telling "i dont like you" looks.. it is so frustrating because I have done nothing to me ex, HE is not the victim here. Is it even worth saying something?

I'm guessing no.. it's just so frustrating...
blueguitarb
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 4:45 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 22, 2014 3:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: HowPredictable, Journeyful, Sanitydoesntexsist and 184 guests

cron