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People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

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People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby PsyChase » Thu Oct 28, 2010 3:28 pm

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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby Phoenixrising81704 » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:05 pm

For primates looking into the eyes is a sign of aggression/dominance. Looking down is the primate equivelant of tail between the legs. Your looking people in the eyes is taken as aggression, creates fear in the subject which leads to lashing out (why the attitude dude!) It's more than the eyes though, as a Narcissist you likely carry yourself well and people see that body language as well. All this likely adds up to people seeing you as intimidating. Its very difficult to lie with your eyes, focus on the body language first, keep your arms open when talking to people lean toward them (not so far as to be creepy) to show interest (or faked interest) in what they have to say.
Because here the victims become the monsters and need the help.
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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby pilgrimage » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:12 pm

PsyChase wrote:People seem to avoid eye contact with me, except the other people that have intimidating eyes. I get talked to by a lot of people with asperger's syndrome, probably due to them not being able to read my eyes. I talk to a person, saying nothing mean, and he asks me why I'm giving him an attitude. During that time, I wasn't trying to manipulate him so I didn't smile and I talked in my normal speed (fast).

How do I look like someone friendly without looking suspicious? Do I have to arrange my eye shape a certain way? I'm afraid of getting caught with a fake smile, how likely is someone to get caught with a smile and what are the consequences? How do I know I'm doing it right?

I could be your body language more than your eyes that is giving you an arrogant attitude. Why worry about a "fake" smile? One feels like having a smile or one doesn't. You have never had reason to smile? You know a lot of folks with aspergers syndrome? They come up and tell you this?
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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby velouria » Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:00 pm

Two things I've learned to do in business to avoid conflict:

- Speak slowly. Just be cognizant of the speed in which you are speaking and sllloooowww down to the point that you feel you are speaking ridiculously slow.

- Soften your eyes.

And remember that you are doing all of this to invite people into your sphere and make them feel comfortable. If you feel at any point that making these efforts are not worth your time, nobody will make the time to engage with you. It's all about exchange.
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby wooster » Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:47 pm

velouria wrote:- Speak slowly. Just be cognizant of the speed in which you are speaking and sllloooowww down to the point that you feel you are speaking ridiculously slow.
- in one word, imagine you're from Basel kanton of Switzerland.
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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby PsyChase » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:52 pm

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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby searchfortruth » Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:07 pm

Well, I've also heard of matching your voice speed to the person's voice speed and copying their body language, etc. I guess it would be best to match the person's voice/body language first, and then form a connection, and gradually start speaking slower and showing more relaxation so that they feel the same and end up feeling good around you.


I have noticed that people who speak inappropriately loudly in one-on-one or small group situations, do so because there is this unrecognized "anxious need" to be heard and understood. Its as if they don't speak loudly, they will not be heard. So the loudness is an effort for "special emphasis". If such people could lower their anxiety and believe that they will be heard, as long as the content of what they are saying is relevant, they could relax and speak comparatively softly. I think such people should start concentrating on "content" rather than "presentation".

Similarly, people who speak fast, seem to do so because there is this unrecognized anxiety that their brain is running faster than their mouth and that they might just lose out on something that they want to say. If such people can take a step back, summarize what they want to say in their mind, they could probably speak slowly, briefly and with less verbosity.

For both the above cases, people speaking loud and fast, might be able to temporarily escape anxiety and feel better by speaking loudly and fast, but to listeners it creates the impression of an aggressive, insecure person. To listeners, this person appears to be somewhat out of control and in the long-term rash and boring. Therefore people avoid such people.

Just by mimicking people, one can't get too far. People pick up on the insincerity. Also to keep doing this and not always get the intended result will make one feel resentment, which will explode intermittently.

A slow, paced out, brief and clear communication style provides listeners the impression of a secure, firm and assertive person, whose views are more likely to be respected. So rather than concentrating on controlling the loudness, pace and presentation, it is better to concentrate on content, clearly summarizing and then speaking without the anxious need for any "special" effect.

Whenever someone succeeds, I am not happy. However, it would benefit me to show that I am happy so that people will like me more.


No, the end result will still be the same. People pick up on insincerity. Question why someone else's success bothers you? And work on removing that trigger.

Yep. I carry myself well.


Or, so you think. Maybe its true in the short-term. But in the long-term, do others think that way? Again a question to ponder and evaluate.

People seem to avoid eye contact with me, except the other people that have intimidating eyes.


There is a difference between "stimulating" eye contact, and "coercive" eye contact. Some people make eye contact as if to say "I am interested in listening to you" and that is stimulating. Some others make eye contact as if to say "listen to me" and that is "coercive". Obviously when its the "coercive" eye contact, people are repulsed, since no one wants to be coerced into listening in a conversation.

So, rather than concentrating on one's eyes, such people should concentrate on "listening". Once you can become open to listening rather than being heard, your eyes will automatically convey a more "I am interested in listening to you" stance. People will then be attracted rather than repulsed in a conversation with you.
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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby PsyChase » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:12 pm

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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby velouria » Fri Oct 29, 2010 5:24 pm

Whenever someone succeeds, I am not happy.


Why? Does this come from fear of scarcity? Don't you know that when people around you succeed you succeed, as well?
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
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Re: People avoiding eye contact, how to be less intimidating?

Postby PsyChase » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:10 pm

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