Hello NPD Forum ~
Can anyone tell me why I am still so annoyed that my ex N still DOES NOT see any problems / issues with himself? Despite having a wealth of info. on this PD?
I established NO CONTACT back in January but had limited contact last month because I had his child in July. He then began texting me up to ten times a day telling me how much he loved his child. Wanted to see him etc. So, I thought maybe would be better for the child to have his father around. So I gave it a shot. (I know I know)
But, he drove me crazy. Came in after not being around and tried all sorts of hyper-parenting. Spoke incessantly about himself. Actually told me that this whole situation made him suicidal but he "didn't have the balls to do it". Said his friends sympathized with me not him. Said he moved to get away from me even though I was NC for many months (might be a lie). Had affected his family, business, everything etc... He was ultimately traumatized til no end. Meanwhile, I went through my pregnancy without him which, once he was out of the way, was a breeze. No issues at all and enjoyed it despite not being an ideal situation. And now, I am very happy. Busy but very happy! And bloody annoyed!
Two things REALLY pissed me off. 1.) ex N wanted me to apologize to him although said he loves child and also thanked me for having him (in so many words) He said that if I apologize to him, we can move forward (not gonna happen and I'm not looking to move forward as a we except with my son) 2.) Said he is still in love with me but then took it back via text So now, I am really just plain irritated.
I definitely admit to using what I've learned on this forum in perhaps an unhealthy way. I lured him back in, quite successfully I might say and then kicked him in the face. Told him he had more in common with a socio-path. Was an emotional vampire. etc. etc. And challenged everything he said including his claims to be a "realist". I claim "extremist". Anyway, no screaming or yelling but literally challenging every word. Was exhausting and not remotely rewarding. Boring even. He really got p.o'd when I told him how deeply insecure he really was. Major defense mode. He is quite proud of his "confidence".
But there is something wrong with me for sure. Was it always there or has he completely made me mad? I cannot get over the fact that he 100% refuses to accept any wrong doing regarding our situation. Despite what all the threads say etc. etc. this is what I can't get over. And without getting into detail, he acted supremely #######5. (excuse me). And that comes from his own family who told him to "stop acting like a dick" (excuse me again). But I am supposed to apologize to him, according to N.
And why did I feel so compelled to lure him in and then launch a total anti-Narcissistic assault? It left me drained and exhausted to the point that I requested some time before another visit. He went ballistic. Back to NC.
I guess I need to get over it b/c I'm never going to get what I believe I deserve (accountability) and neither will he (an apology).
But for those of you with NPD, what was the trigger that led you to that self discovery?
Nevertheless, thanks for giving me a place to RANT!