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Sex with a Narcissistic lover

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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby EyesOpen » Fri Mar 25, 2011 12:36 am

mindful wrote:This can be true also for a woman with an NPD male partner.
While his style is probably not to lie there and wait to be stimulated (inso many words), it is definitely all about him.
Even if he gives great importance to bringing his partner to climax, this is for his own sense of accomplishment and grandeur, and his partner can feel it.
The personal connection, warmth, tenderness, is simply not there. And his partner feels it, even if she has a hard time putting her finger on it.


So true, mindful! I always felt my exN and I never "made love"... it was having sex And, I used to think it meant he cared about me that he would take a lot of time pleasing me... but I can see that it was more about him and his performance and the more pleased I was in bed and the more times I came, the better it made him feel and it made him seem like a wonderful lover. And, you're right that there was no real warmth or tenderness... I was so attracted to him that at first I probably didn't really notice it, but after awhile I did feel that something was missing... my attraction to him was still there but I didn't feel that real closeness or sense of connection. We've been broken up for 6 months and isn't it wild that if he knocked on my door today I'd still want to sleep with him, even though I now know he's a N and that I'd wind up hurt again. It's almost like an addiction. I've never been that attracted to somebody.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby unreal » Fri Mar 25, 2011 12:55 am

I've never been that attracted to somebody.


yeah, we're pretty good at that.

we're so self-absorbed that it's actually contagious. we're so convinced of our own awesomeness that we even persuade the people around us that we're awesome. this is called shared psychosis. it's a kind of brainwashing. we keep insisting that we're awesome, and after a while, the people around us can't help but agree.

you're not attracted to a person, though. you're attracted to an illusion.
What we are concerned with is narcissism in a pathological sense, with self-love that serves as a cloak for self-hatred. The polarities of self-hatred and self-love are linked together in the defensive system, but the nuclear problem is the self-hatred.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby nicci63 » Fri Mar 25, 2011 6:07 am

I have just broken up with my N male. He is giving me the usual weekly silent treatment before he comes knocking telling me he dosnt know why i do this, because i know i cant live without him. Talking to friends about intamacy with exN is difficult, they just dont understand.My exN is like no other man i have encountered.There is never any foreplay.I would tell them i dont understand how he can be aroused without touching me.He says the mouth carries the most bacteria in the human body so therefore never kisses, except on the rare occassion when he boasts "arn't you lucky i taught you how to kiss.He never touches my breasts, in the beginning i asked him to pls touch or nibble my nipples, he nearly severed both of them.If we do it missionary he thrusts on me pulling my hair and sniffing in my ear like a dog.He prefers to spoon having sex from behind.He always comes pretty quickly and that means its all over, he never satisfys me, ever! On the odd occassion he has tried oral sex and that would be on the influence of drugs he participates for a couple of minutes and then complains saying "how long is this going to take" needless to say i cant continue.I have told him i cant live this way, i feel non sexual and its just not normal.If he tries to stimulate me manually theres no passion or feeling he just rubs continuously, basically yawning.When attempting to touch my breasts he will pinch at the side of them, no where near my nipple.He will happily enjoy oral sex from me however, albeit the only compliment i have ever had from him.I have let myself endure this for 4yrs, i can do it no longer. I need to be loved, feel loved, i have never encountered this bizzare behaviour ever before him and thanks to peoples posts i can see i am not alone.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby 2011 » Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:12 am

Tt
Last edited by 2011 on Thu May 26, 2011 8:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby EyesOpen » Sat Mar 26, 2011 1:00 am

unreal wrote:we're so self-absorbed that it's actually contagious. we're so convinced of our own awesomeness that we even persuade the people around us that we're awesome. this is called shared psychosis. it's a kind of brainwashing. we keep insisting that we're awesome, and after a while, the people around us can't help but agree.

you're not attracted to a person, though. you're attracted to an illusion.


I had never heard of shared psychosis... looking back I can see that I was almost "brainwashed" by him and under his control. Even when he treated me badly I still wanted to be with him... and it didn't make me any less attracted to him... it's so strange, with another ex we fought all the time and eventually I wasn't as attracted to him and I avoided sex with him, but with my exN he was always snapping at me and really critical and he didn't treat me well, but I was still so attracted to him and wanted sex with him all the time. It's so hard to wrap my head around that my exN was really only an illusion. I was attracted to and in love with an illusion not a person.

Unreal, do you find that you treat all or most of your girlfriends the same? I keep thinking that my exN is treating his new gf so much better than he treated me... but from what I've read Ns will eventually treat the new person the same... it might take longer but it's inevitable.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby unreal » Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:16 am

Unreal, do you find that you treat all or most of your girlfriends the same? I keep thinking that my exN is treating his new gf so much better than he treated me... but from what I've read Ns will eventually treat the new person the same... it might take longer but it's inevitable.


I've had two girlfriends in my life. Both relationships were absolutely different. One of them was a covert narcissist, the other one had borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits - I don't think I could ever have a relationship with a normie. Also normies don't seem to fall in love with me anyway, and I have no special interest in them. If you have a look at the DSM criteria for NPD, you'll find that a narcissist "believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people."

I suspect that narcissists that enter relationships with normies do so to exploit them. I can't imagine that they actually fall in love with them.

But I've also had numerous affairs - girls I just slept around with. And yeah, I guess I treated all of these the same.
What we are concerned with is narcissism in a pathological sense, with self-love that serves as a cloak for self-hatred. The polarities of self-hatred and self-love are linked together in the defensive system, but the nuclear problem is the self-hatred.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby harleydog » Sat Mar 26, 2011 4:12 am

unreal totally agree with the shared psychosis. I was the only one that thought my wife was awesome. She had me really believing everything she said and did. She did think she was awesome and she was so convincing I believed her. I eventually started questioning some of the things she did after it happenned so much and i viewed it as wrong. She hated me questioning her and even more when I told others about some of the crazy stuff she did. this is when the relationship really turned She did not want anyone to find out about the real her.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby narcsurvivor » Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:32 am

Couldn't agree more about the porn sex. I was so young and unexpierenced, i did't know any better. Then i saw some porn, and saw us. Flip me this way, do it that way, 5 or more positions during one encounter, exhausting! He would relish in that he could bring me to orgasim multiple times, even to the point it kinda hurt. But i could always tell and feel it was for his pleasure, not mine. The real intimacy i craved i never got.
Now after 25 years of marriage sex fallen to a new low. We sleep in separate bed rooms, he will come in occasionally, i usually comply with his wishes, kinda just lay there and let him do what he wants with my eyes closed or a pillow or blanket over my face it is over soon and i can go back to sleep. I honestly don't know why he keeps comming back?
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby 2011 » Sun Mar 27, 2011 3:32 am

Tt
Last edited by 2011 on Thu May 26, 2011 8:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby wanderingstar » Sun Mar 27, 2011 1:40 pm

p.s. I do agree with the shared psychosis thing - if you say how great you are often enough in the "alpha male" way, why not believe, as a mere "woman" (gender conditioning coming into play as well)?

On sex. He was a cold kisser, no feeling, automatic. How people kiss tells you alot about them, no?

I don't feel able to go into all other details like others here (modesty!) but I appreciate yours. I can tell you, almost exactly the same, self-centredness, devaluation, lack of feeling.

As he was a somatic narcissist there was increasing attention given to what I would do for him and how amazing he was physcially, sexually, etc, which as a "normal" woman who had mostly slept with "normal" men, I found puzzling.

The only slightly weird thing was that he appeared to like (or at least never objected to) being cuddled after. perhaps there was a tiny light of open-ness /relaxation* that appeared but I wouldn'be bet my last $5 on it....

*elsewhere on this forum i have seen it noted that NPDs are often very tense, wired up, which I think is often the case.
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