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Sex with a Narcissistic lover

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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby mindful » Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:26 pm

My perplexity in reading these posts does not come from a morality, or squeamishness, in hearing the description of sexual acts.

Apart from the fact that details may be superfluous, or gratuitous attention-grabbers, the message that jumps out from these descriptions is so clearly ... objectification... and strikes me so deeply in my sense of human (female) dignity that I wonder how you might not have experienced them in the same vein... the first time, the second, repeatedly....
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby HisSupply » Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:48 pm

Firstly, people on these boards share and explain MANY aspects of the NPD's behaviour in great detail, it helps us to see the patterns, to learn more about NPD and to realise that we are NOT alone, and not to blame. Your finding the details of sex superfluous, while not finding the details of any of the other NPD's activities superfluous, does in fact prove you see sex as something not to be spoken about. Secrecy, covering up the abuse, veiling the abuser and what he does, is all part of the victimisation. There should not be ANY part of the abuse that people feel they cannot share on these boards.

We NEED to share, to make SENSE of what has happened to us. Imjustagirl and myself in particular have been sexually abused by these men, and you are telling us we should not talk about it, because YOU find open discussion of sex offensive? It does beg the question, why did you click on this thread, given that the title clearly warns you that it has sexual content.

Secondly, don't be sucked into victim-blaming.

All over these boards are hundreds of stories of people who went along with what a narc wanted. All over these boards are people saying, Don't beat yourself up about what s/he did to you, you were conned, tricked, obligated, persuaded, blackmailed whatever.

It doesn't help our healing to be told we are to "blame" for allowing ourselves to be objectified.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby two_roads » Sat Oct 16, 2010 10:45 pm

Of course there are N features displayed in sex as well.

Lack of care for the partner, achieving control by sex, and many other tactics.

Simply put: If you feel loved, then you probably are.

Which one of you felt love and warmth coming from your N partner? Right, I know the answer.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby sfguy » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:33 pm

BTW, the original poster's question was about sex with narcissistic women, but all the complaining has been about narcissistic men.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby Dulciana » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:21 pm

sfguy wrote:BTW, the original poster's question was about sex with narcissistic women, but all the complaining has been about narcissistic men.


Just for the sake of balance, sex with my narcissistic ex, (male), was absolutely amazingly wonderful - until we got married. Immediately upon marriage, he had little interest in me and sex was rare, routine, and boring. I guess it was all about the conquest.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby SenseAtLast » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:22 am

Dulciana wrote:
sfguy wrote:BTW, the original poster's question was about sex with narcissistic women, but all the complaining has been about narcissistic men.


Just for the sake of balance, sex with my narcissistic ex, (male), was absolutely amazingly wonderful - until we got married. Immediately upon marriage, he had little interest in me and sex was rare, routine, and boring. I guess it was all about the conquest.

I like seeing all the details. Reassures me I'm kind of normal.

My experience with my ex-N wife is similar to Dulciana. Generally fine till we got married and then it didn't so much fly as plummet. ATEOD, it was just the inability to connect. But it didn't help that she had no sex drive as I was used to it. She used to blame me for that too but it was the one area where I used to laugh at her. She also suggested more "different" things to be done to her that I was strictly comfortable with. After one occasion I had to swap from vegetables to salad for a few months.

I'd suggest if a bloke is having great jiggy-jig with a PD person she is likely histrionic. I would further suggest going as hard and as long as you can till you can do it no more, and then get as fast away from her as possible. I reckon a HPD can stuff you up even more than an NPD.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby medusa » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:50 am

How does the following:

mindful wrote:My perplexity in reading these posts does not come from a morality, or squeamishness, in hearing the description of sexual acts.

Apart from the fact that details may be superfluous, or gratuitous attention-grabbers, the message that jumps out from these descriptions is so clearly ... objectification... and strikes me so deeply in my sense of human (female) dignity that I wonder how you might not have experienced them in the same vein... the first time, the second, repeatedly....


...warrant this response?

HisSupply wrote: Imjustagirl and myself in particular have been sexually abused by these men, and you are telling us we should not talk about it, because YOU find open discussion of sex offensive? It does beg the question, why did you click on this thread, given that the title clearly warns you that it has sexual content.

Secondly, don't be sucked into victim-blaming.

All over these boards are hundreds of stories of people who went along with what a narc wanted. All over these boards are people saying, Don't beat yourself up about what s/he did to you, you were conned, tricked, obligated, persuaded, blackmailed whatever.

It doesn't help our healing to be told we are to "blame" for allowing ourselves to be objectified.


You are being defensive when no one is attacking you. Who said anything about being offended by sex talk? What blame are you talking about? Who's blaming you in this thread? It's like you are preemptively (and very knee-jerkingly) reacting to imagined or expected slights.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby medusa » Wed Oct 20, 2010 9:01 am

HisSupply wrote:It doesn't help our healing to be told we are to "blame" for allowing ourselves to be objectified.


Actually, it does.

But I wouldn't call it "blame", I would call it "taking responsibility". There is a reason you allowed yourself to be objectified, and that reason is within you and has nothing to do with your ex. Not the reason you were objectified, but the reason you allowed it. This doesn't mean you are a bad person, or somehow imperfect, or to blame for how things turned out. It's not right that he objectified you, but the only person you will ever have control over is you. This you is the only thing you can do anything about. There is nothing you can do for your ex, but at least you can take this experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. This is a good thing.

I understand how at this stage in your life, these words might sound like victim blaming, but they are not. This is the next step after realizing that you feel like a victim. You are not there yet, but I hope you will be open-minded enough to realize that this is a long road, and that you are just at the beginning.

Being a victim doesn't help you grow, but learning how to refuse to be a victim does.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby donam » Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:39 pm

My N Lover was the same at 6'4" 280lb body builder, it seemed as though he only wanted it animalistic....Rough, pumping, but he would start off oral (surprisingly) because he was obsessed and consumed with his penis and wanted it in return. I would hear about his penis and bj's all day long every day via text messages. I thought he was a sex craved sex starved man based on how he would talk. He would only have sex in the bedroom at night or sometimes in the morning, but based on how much he talked about it, it was surprising how few times it even took place. He would lay there for me to "so to speak" put him in the mood, initiate it and rarely did he initiate. It was as though I was there to serve him and worship him. He absolutely refused to touch me with his hand and only did once because I questioned him as to why so guess he felt he had to prove he could, but reluctantly. It never happened again even when I would ask. The beginning of the relationship was much better sexually but when the pressures of emotional intimacy came into the picture I could see a difference in his sexual behavior toward me. I even noticed enough to question him. I didn't hesitate to let him know I knew something was up. I think that's why he finally had to plan his exit and get his "back up girl" in place because he knew I was onto him.
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Re: Sex with a Narcissistic lover

Postby medusa » Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:50 pm

donam wrote: I would hear about his penis and bj's all day long every day via text messages.


My ex was like that. Penis and ass all day long. Same sex jokes day in, day out. I found it mostly amusing and arousing, then irritating once I realized he didn't have a hell of a lot of imagination and couldn't sustain a conversation not related to sex. He would always find a way to interject the subject even if we were talking about something serious, say, ontology and ideas of Heaven and Hell. ("Hell is in my pants!")

I did very much enjoy the sex with him, despite his less-than-stellar penile functioning (psychological and self-esteem problems?). But the amount of sex talk compared to the amount of actual sex was a bit of an abyss.
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