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Confronting Lies

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Confronting Lies

Postby Meg2000 » Sat Sep 04, 2010 10:36 pm

I am new learning about this disorder but it is very clear to me after a friend pointed it out that I am in fact seeing an N. By seeing, I mean we have hooked up a few times and we talk 1-2X a week but we do not have any kind of exclusive relationship. We do however have a lot in common and I think I bring some kind of N-supply to his world as I am good at something that he is very much interested in. We have been friends for about a year now.

I know that he has lied to me (I can never know for a fact but I have a good hunch), and I go to some length once in a while to help him out and do things that are nice for him, that are of interest to him. He tells me he wants to participate and be involved in these things, but he always seems to have a back-up plan or an "out"....usually siting last minute travel plans often work or family related.

Finally I recently got tired of him backing out last minute and tried to confront him, by implying that I knew he was lying (I did not outright accuse him of lying, just implied that I would not be pleased if he was)..... and now I have not heard from him in over 2 weeks despite many attempts to reach him.

I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot seem to let go and I want (for whatever silly reason) for this relationship/ friendship to continue....even though it seems I am doing all of the giving and not getting much in return from this friendship. I wonder, by confronting his lies..have I set him off? Was this the wrong thing to do? Will I ever hear from him again?

It is almost as if he has stopped doing something he really enjoys doing because it involves me and he would rather walk away from it.
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby velouria » Sun Sep 05, 2010 5:58 pm

You know he lies to you and there is no equal sharing in this r'ship, yet you want to continue the r'ship. Why?
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby Meg2000 » Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:09 pm

velouria wrote:You know he lies to you and there is no equal sharing in this r'ship, yet you want to continue the r'ship. Why?


Velouria, that is a very good question, and it is something I have been struggling with for a while. Maybe I am just a sucker for punishment....but I have a lot invested in this relationship and I keep thinking it will improve. It is very difficult to let go esp as we have so many friends and interests in common....I wish I was strong enough to let go.

In the meantime, I am hoping for some insight from anyone who has had experience confronting lies from an N..... what are the consequences , esp. if you are (were?) a source of supply? Do I continue to try to reach out or ignore him in hopes that he comes around?
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby velouria » Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:17 pm

If you've already challenged him, I highly doubt he'll be back around. I call it reason for celebration. Especially if you are unwilling to pull yourself off this hamster wheel.
‎The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky. ~ Hafiz

When in doubt, sit on the stoop and play the ukulele.
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby SenseAtLast » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:58 am

Meg2000 wrote:Velouria, that is a very good question, and it is something I have been struggling with for a while. Maybe I am just a sucker for punishment....but I have a lot invested in this relationship and I keep [myflash=]dreaming[/myflash] it will improve. It is very difficult to let go esp as we have so many friends and interests in common....I wish I was strong enough to let go.

Sucker for punishment = a masochist. Here is this man with "warning, warning, danger Will Robinson" coming at volume from every pore of his being, and you're not strong enough. Baby, there are probably 1 billion other men on the planet in your price range and you want to get stuck on this one.

Meg2000 wrote:In the meantime, I am hoping for some insight from anyone who has had experience confronting lies from an N..... what are the consequences , esp. if you are (were?) a source of supply? Do I continue to try to reach out or ignore him in hopes that he comes around?

Insight?? There is no insight. You know that cartoon show effect when there is an explosion and the person's face is burnt and dishevelled. Well, its that ... but for real. Then they will blame you for the setting off the explosion. They will then mark you as bad, bad, bad ... unless they need you again.
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby Normal? » Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:34 am

Meg2000 wrote:In the meantime, I am hoping for some insight from anyone who has had experience confronting lies from an N..... what are the consequences , esp. if you are (were?) a source of supply? Do I continue to try to reach out or ignore him in hopes that he comes around?


Hi Meg

If you have confronted your friends with his lies then he is unlikely to seek to maintain a relationship with you. From his perspective you are a reminder of his 'flaw' - a reminder of the fact that he is not who he thinks he is. Since he cannot assimilate this information and it is a threat to his very existence it is better for him to detach from the situation and to devalue your opinion. If he does not - if he considers for one minute that you could be 'right' about him, then the whole house of cards could come falling down and this cannot be.

More importantly, you need to ask yourself WHY you have a pull to continue to 'reach out' to him. What do you hope to gain? An individual with NPD is very, very unlikely to change particularly if they are not willing - and the vast majority of Narcissists are not willing because there is nothing wrong with them - it is you who is wrong. If you think, even for one moment, that facing him with his lies will result in a change in his behaviour or character then 'Poor lady, you were better love a dream'. If he DID come around again - it would be in order to tell more lies. Do you feel you would ever be able to trust him again?

Is this the kind of relationship that you think you want, or that you could be happy in? If so, why?

If a good friend approached you and told you this story, what would you advise her to do?
This should have been a noble creature:
A goodly frame of glorious elements,
Had they been wisely mingled; as it is,
It is an awful chaos—light and darkness,
And mind and dust, and passions and pure thoughts,
Mix’d, and contending without end or order,
All dormant or destructive.
Normal?
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby snowdrop » Mon Sep 06, 2010 2:10 pm

Meg2000

I spent years letting my ex know that I knew that he was lying, always in a joking style because that was part of our dynamic, and wierdly I interpreted it as an honest relationship because I knew that he was lying and he knew that I knew. Nuts really :roll:

It will never be an honest relationship with this man if he is a lier, how could it be? So why would you want to maintain any form of contact? Well I know that I did because a) I was addicted to him and b) that I was used to being let down so it felt familiar.

Will he contact you again? In my experience this depends on how you presented your knowledge of his lies to him and how much he needs your attention. If he needs you and can can somehow brush off your accusations then he may come back, otherwise you have probably been devalued and discarded. Reaching out will irritate him, ignoring him will relieve him of your irritating attempts to bring him down.

After years of joking with my ex about his lies and deceipts, things changed. I was getting fed up with the situation and he didn't need me anymore. My next 'joke' was nearer the knuckle, he didn't like it, and my last communication with him was very direct, very insulting and not a joke at all. No doubt I have ceased to exist for him.

I know you don't want to believe it but it would be better for you to be in the same position. if you want to contact him let it rip, tell him the truth about himself and have no further contact.
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby Meg2000 » Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:13 am

Normal and Snowdrop...thank you for the words.

You are right that the lies will only continue....if he should even speak to me again.... and Snowdrop you are right that unfortunately I am addicted. When we are together things are really great, and I cannot seem to let go of that. Yes I have a good hunch that he is often telling lies, but as one friend pointed out, I need to decide if "how he is" is something that I am willing to live with (this could no doubt entail a whole other conversation about why on earth one would ever want to "live with" someone who lies constantly).

This is the first time I have confronted him about his lies, and only in a round about way. I have since apologized for getting angry at him (dumb, I know) but only to have my apology ignored/ dismissed. Can an N dismiss a friendship so quickly....after simply one minor hint that you know he is lying?
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby snowdrop » Tue Sep 07, 2010 7:46 am

Meg2000

Yes, it seems that for the narcissist, a friendship can be dismissed in an instant because if their primary emotion is very buried shame (which many believe is at the root of narcissim) then anyone who provokes that emotion must be dismissed, plus if he is narcissistic he will be out of touch with other emotions so doesn't really relate in the same way and can walk away from people easily.

As to accepting him for what he is, well I did that and thought that I was OK with it, and I was, for a long long time. It was only when I came face to face with the reality of his behaviour that I realised that I had been rationalising and intellectualising the situation, and that emotionally I was not at all OK with the situation.

I really hope that you can walk away from this and act in a self protective way, there is no benefit to you in compromising your self for someone like this. You are tying yourself emotionally to someone who shows all the signs of never being able to care about anyone but himself, you might have good moments of course, but overall you will feel neglected, unsure, untrusting un all sorts of things. I wish I'd seen things for what they are many years ago but sometimes you need to see it through to the end to really see it.
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Re: Confronting Lies

Postby SenseAtLast » Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:27 am

Meg2000 wrote:Normal and Snowdrop...thank you for the words.

You are right that the lies will only continue....if he should even speak to me again.... and Snowdrop you are right that unfortunately I am addicted. When we are together things are really great, and I cannot seem to let go of that. Yes I have a good hunch that he is often telling lies, but as one friend pointed out, I need to decide if "how he is" is something that I am willing to live with (this could no doubt entail a whole other conversation about why on earth one would ever want to "live with" someone who lies constantly).

This is the first time I have confronted him about his lies, and only in a round about way. I have since apologized for getting angry at him (dumb, I know) but only to have my apology ignored/ dismissed. Can an N dismiss a friendship so quickly....after simply one minor hint that you know he is lying?

You need to decide if it something you can live with???? You deserve better. He might be a bright light and you're a moth ... but STOP. It's only downhill from here like all addictions etc etc. He will play you like he's your dealer.

And simlarly the longer you stay on the habit the harder it will be to break it.

As to dumping you on a whim. If they have an alternative for NS they can do it and not look back. I had an ex who I reckon had HPD, go from looking at house with me on Friday to all over Saturday night. (I know, I know, she had a lucky escape. :roll: ) But the saddest story was the guy on the HPD forum who had his ex go off rooting another bloke on the first night of the honeymoon.
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