My husband (we are married for 12 years and are in our 50's) who has been diagnosed with NPD, abandoned me about 4-1/2 mo ago while I was at work. Two months later, after beginning counseling at his request, he advised me that it was not effective so we were discontinuing. Ironically, I found out that was the day or day after he met his gf - about a month later he told me he was not coming home (I did not know about the gf at the time.) Since then we have had very little contact and have begun divorce proceedings (at my initiation, I truly believe he wanted me to file first...is this typical? ) The contact we have had is mostly thru texts initiated by him - some demanding I do something, some wishing me Happy Mother's Day, some passing along family info/gossip - I ignore most of it...Until last week he had been staying in contact with my youngest son (23 yrs), but hurt and disappointed him so bad that my son is no longer replying to his texts or taking his phone calls (he raised this son and of the 6 children we have between us, was the closest to him). Last week he texted my older son's gf that he was leaving a birthday gift at my house for my 4 yr old grandson (his birthday was almost 6 weeks ago). She (they had had a good relationship) simply replied "thanks" - she has caught him in several lies, and due to an incident of verbal abuse directed at my grand-son, and his "stealing" some tools from her house that he had given my son, she is wary of a continuing relationship with my husband. He then invited her to dinner (she is 26 yrs) but did not mention my son. She (deliberately misinterpreted) replied she would need to check with my son - which made him angry. Their last contact was him telling her that she knew him and not to believe what she had been told about him. She never responded. Yesterday, I got a text from my husband that he was going to be helping a good friend of mine / ours with a home repair on his stairs today and could he stop by to get his tools that he left at the house? Since he will be working with wood and the tools that are at the house are automotive welding equipment, I decided this was just a ploy to again control me, (or take more stuff from the house) - imply he won't help my friend if I don't agree. Again, I did not respond. This friend thinks they are good friends, and a couple we frequently socialized with - he does not know how my husband complains about helping and how little he thinks of him. Since my husband has been "too busy to help" for more than 6 months, he must need something to agree to help today.
I am not sure how to react / respond to him. As my thread indicates, I would like to resume our marriage, get LOTS of counseling, and make it work, but that may not be possible, or not my choice…
Originally, when he first left he wanted me to beg him to come back but I refused - I told him I did want him back but would not beg. I decided it was time to set boundaries of what I could really live with. If I begged, I expect he would do the same thing again and that is not acceptable.
I don’t know if he still has his gf or not, sometimes I think no, since he keeps contacting either me or members of my family - even though his children and g-children live in the same city, as do his 5 siblings. He has no real friends! Or is this just wishful thinking?
It seems I am ignoring him and being mean, and trying to drive him away, but my main intention is to be strong and respected. I don’t want to give the impression that I am a “shrinking violet” and will tolerate just any behavior. When we have had contact either via text or in person, I have been looking attractive, confident, happy and giving the impression that life goes on. Since I was VERY dependent upon him to take care of the housy things - mowing, maintenance, trash ...this has been difficult, but I have not contacted him for directions on how to work stuff around the house and am managing to do a passable job. Does he respect me for this, or is this just an indication / proof that I don’t need / want him?
I guess I believe my actions would be good for us, if we were able to resume our marriage, and if we are not, I will have kept my self respect, dignity, and learned some new things and gained more confidence - none of which are a bad thing. Any thoughts?
Other questions:
* Why so much texting (he always says he hates it) - I figure it is a way to avoid emotional contact?
* I assume he is hurting my son, friends, contacting my son’s gf (while making sure I know about his actions) in an effort to hurt or get a reaction from him. He knows I would protect others before myself so they are a better target. Would you agree, and does this mean he does really hate me or just wants some sort of attention? And if so, what do I do that is positive for both of us?
* I have also talked to a couple of his co-workers, and they have said his behavior is becoming a little more eractic and extreme. He has also been getting very quiet lately, which they interpret as being up to something / or plotting something. Should I be concerned?
Sorry this is so long - Thanks for any insight!!! It is appreciated (I think )