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Why is my ex N contacting me again

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Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby m22 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 1:43 pm

After not speaking to my Ex n for almost 3 months he called me out of the blue last night. Why? He broke up with me so he could date other specific people. Last time I spoke to him he was quite horrible to me. I tried to not respond so as not to give him any supply. He was quite nice on the phone actually asking about my life instead of just bragging about his own. He was commenting that he had not been to the place we used to hang out at and was asking me when I might be around. After breaking up with me he bought a house in the country and is living by himself. Just wondering what his angle is. Do you think he’s just lonely (besides living by himself he also is self employed and does not need to have much contact with anyone for what he does). Or is he trying to set me up to smack me down (he’s done that before)? I wish he would just leave me alone.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby Normal? » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:10 pm

Hey M22

They call this a 'hoover' - have a look here:-

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehavi ... ering.html

Although the term is more associated with BPD it seems to be common across the Cluster B spectrum because it is associated with the emotional cycle of devaluation and idealisation. It is also associated with the emotional dysregulation that all these disorders share.

I read once (somewhere) that a Narcissist 'never forgets a source' and when desperate will even take 'supply by proxy' rather than nothing at all.
This should have been a noble creature:
A goodly frame of glorious elements,
Had they been wisely mingled; as it is,
It is an awful chaos—light and darkness,
And mind and dust, and passions and pure thoughts,
Mix’d, and contending without end or order,
All dormant or destructive.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby VTheChaosTheoryV » Thu Feb 25, 2010 6:19 pm

If you give in to talking to him, it reassures him that you are as he always thought of you to be: an outlet.
Trust all the things I tell you are true, dress up in your best so I can be proud of you, and never believe I won't turn on you, and never believe I do this for you. You're leading me on again and I find it, yeah I like it, and I'm reeling in awe for sure, now I know it was given to me.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby m22 » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:42 pm

Ugh. Does that mean because I was willing to talk to him that he will bother me more now? As we have mutual friends I'm afraid if I cut him off completely that something bad will come of it. Thought it might be best to humor him. But I don't want to encourage anything.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby VTheChaosTheoryV » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:47 pm

m22 wrote:Ugh. Does that mean because I was willing to talk to him that he will bother me more now? As we have mutual friends I'm afraid if I cut him off completely that something bad will come of it. Thought it might be best to humor him. But I don't want to encourage anything.


Sure walk with him, by all means hold his hand. As long as you don't let him influence you in doing anything, you'll be fine. Then again, if you do give into what he wants, by walking with him etc. it will only give him a reason to bother you. For example if you did that to me and i wanted to bother you i could be like,"Hey remember when e walked together? i thought that was really fun, we should do it again, because you are really important to me." See where im going with this?
Trust all the things I tell you are true, dress up in your best so I can be proud of you, and never believe I won't turn on you, and never believe I do this for you. You're leading me on again and I find it, yeah I like it, and I'm reeling in awe for sure, now I know it was given to me.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby m22 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:15 pm

Yeah, seems like I've been down that road before and I don't want to go back again. Never understand what the point of starting trouble like that. Guess it always just come back to giving him supply.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby VTheChaosTheoryV » Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:33 pm

If he is Narcissistic, he derives gratification,admiration,notoriety if needed be, from anyone who feels he is attracted to. If you expose any "weak" spots, then he will see this and play dumb...for now. Are you in a relationship with him?
Trust all the things I tell you are true, dress up in your best so I can be proud of you, and never believe I won't turn on you, and never believe I do this for you. You're leading me on again and I find it, yeah I like it, and I'm reeling in awe for sure, now I know it was given to me.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby m22 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:20 pm

Not anymore. I dated him for over 6 years and he broke up with me last year so he could date specific other people. I suspect he must be low in supply now. Someone on this forum told me awhile ago that once a narcissist dumps you they won’t want you back.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby VTheChaosTheoryV » Fri Feb 26, 2010 6:25 pm

That is technically not true. In the short run-yes, but only because of devaluation. You fail at keeping up with his demands for his self gratification. So, because of this failure, he moves on immediately to find another person to fill the void. If that person fails him, guess who will be sending you that email saying,"Hey! haven't talked to you in awhile, how have you been?"
Trust all the things I tell you are true, dress up in your best so I can be proud of you, and never believe I won't turn on you, and never believe I do this for you. You're leading me on again and I find it, yeah I like it, and I'm reeling in awe for sure, now I know it was given to me.
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Re: Why is my ex N contacting me again

Postby m22 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:19 pm

Wow! You seem to be right on about this. He called me out of the blue and that’s how the conversation started. When we broke up and I was trying to talk him out of it, the last thing he said to me after my last plea was that perhaps if I stuck around while he dated other people he might possibly come back to me but he was pretty sure that would not happen.
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