how come it just CHANGED?

for the 1st 4 years of the relationship with my N although he still did all the cruel abusive narcy stuff, i was recignised as his gf and had some kind of normal role. however when we got engaged he pulled away completely and 5 days later met another woman. he didnt find her attractive once he d met her so she just ended up as a friend, but the intention was there and she wasnt the first and he has always kept female friends a secret. but in the 3 years since then it has been me thats been the secret, we got back together but now all these "friends" and new acquaintances have group chats on face book, msn, chat on line to him and eachother but im blocked, not alowed to meet or even chat to his new friends or even his old ones that i had met. he now refers to me as "just having fun with the ex" to his friends, or hides my existance completely. i have asked him about this and his answer is that i dont live with him so im not going to meet them anyway so whats the point!
i dont know why the situation changed or how it can be recovered? im trying no contact at the moment but its more out of fear, if i end it with him he chases me so much and i fall for it again and get hurt again, so thought if i just say nothing and let him do the not contacting again it mite take him a while to realise that im not there, giving me a bit of time to get stronger.
im in need of advice and answers if anyone can help
thanks

Hi,
In my humble opinion, that you put up with the N.'s abuse, it maybe that it is a matter of respect,
and interest and conquest. Try to never put up with abuse from anyone, no matter who they are.

hope that might be of some help,
red

hi i understand what you are saying but feel im in a catch 22 situation, its hard to get into the frame of mind to walk away, but if i do he wont let me.
we have talked so much lately about why he is like he is, and sometimes i feel we are actually making some progress, then 2 weeks later he has even forgot what he said or it comes to light that the explanations he had given were probably lies. we ve even discussed his sycles which just seems bizarre for a narc

foreverhopeful wrote:hi i understand what you are saying but feel im in a catch 22 situation, its hard to get into the frame of mind to walk away, but if i do he wont let me.
we have talked so much lately about why he is like he is, and sometimes i feel we are actually making some progress, then 2 weeks later he has even forgot what he said or it comes to light that the explanations he had given were probably lies. we ve even discussed his sycles which just seems bizarre for a narc

Look at what you just said "he won't let me", he blocked you when he wants to, and he may do it again.
I would suggest both of you seek some therapy or maybe he is willing to take a look at his cycles, something... or take a deep breath and go on the ride.

He may not be a N. He could be Borderline or Bi-Polar....Detaches....Major Depression...I can't dx, I am just a person not a doctor.
You need to be strong-willed and stand tall, you are only in the catch-22 if you allow yourself to be.

Blessings to you,
Red

ive talked to him about therapy, he says he doesnt need it! says that although he has his problems he is quite happy as he is. its the same old patern....... 2 weeks like this then 2 weeks of how he needs me, knows im the only one who understands and is patient enough to help etc.
the last fortnight was the first time the cycles had been mentioned and talked about, and we discussed how we could work together to make these times more bareable as they are a part of him that he couldnt control. it actually felt like a breakthrough at the time and tbh it has been slightly more bareable as we havent had much contact. however it has lasted longer this time, im not sure if this is because i havent reacted, he hasnt had to be any better?
i went for counselling after we got engaged and it has made me a lot stronger (sometimes) ,more assertive and better coping mechanisms, but i realised yesterday after standing back and looking at the whole situation, that he has actually treated me even worse since then, i wondered if any of the Ns on here mite explain why this is as it didnt make sense.

Trying to rationalize with an "N" is like trying to talk to a wall.

Your best bet is to say, I accept you, with all of your defects, and valued the "FRIENDSHIP" we had. Saying something like that carries a lot more weight then trying to be his psychologist. Sure he may go months without talking to you but I guarantee that he will be back.. If that is what you want of course.

Another method is telling him flat out that you don't need him anymore. While this SHOULD be true, it is almost like crypotnite to an "N" 's ears.

Saying any of the above will make him rethink things, and act differently twords you.

hi and thanks for that response, i shall try that!
ive tried just about everything else lol. im a psychology undergraduate and even tried to get therapy for him via the uni doctors!
the last few years just ive just resigned myself to thinking i mite as well just try and help him in what ever way i can as all my attemps to get away fail, and with his cycle being only 2 weeks its not long enough for me to get stronger, im still getting over being anxious when he comes back, i no they recognise the signs when they r loosing u.
i decided yesterday to try and quit for good, what ever it takes i need to do it now.

Ya I was thinking a bit and the route that would be best helpful to you both would most likely be option 2. This is what you say:

Just flat out say. Look, I have made it known how I feel about you. You know deep down I cared a lot. HOWEVER I do not NEED you. I might like the interaction or the idea of having you around, but I certainly don't NEED you! All I need is oxygen, food, a place to live, and money. Tell me honey where do you fit into that equation?

Now if you would like to proceed like adults, we can. If you don't you don't. I will be ok with whatever decision you make, but know for me this is a toxic interaction. Sure I can help someone up when they are down, but the moment it begins to severely impact my way of life, that all stops.

SAY THE ABOVE. 1. He will actually respect you. 2. You have set clear bounderies 3. You have completely lowered your expectations to nothing, and are not opening yourself up for anymore pain.

foreverhopeful wrote:for the 1st 4 years of the relationship with my N although he still did all the cruel abusive narcy stuff, i was recignised as his gf and had some kind of normal role.

I have a question for you, from a psychopath to a normal... Why is it so hard to leave someone like that?

foreverhopeful wrote:recignised as his gf and had some kind of normal role.

A sense of belonging? A low self esteem? Maybe she isn't normal?