how come it just CHANGED?

Myers wrote:

foreverhopeful wrote:for the 1st 4 years of the relationship with my N although he still did all the cruel abusive narcy stuff, i was recignised as his gf and had some kind of normal role.

I have a question for you, from a psychopath to a normal... Why is it so hard to leave someone like that?

Generally speaking, it's because of a vulnerablity. A more personality driven vulnerablity like borderline type characteristics, or dependence issues is more obvious.

However, it can be due to a temporal defecit, which in the moment equates with low self-esteem, feelings of abandonment or what not.

The N doesn't let on that he's an N. He brings you in, seduces you, and if you have an issue with insecurity or whatever he plays on it BIG TIME. And you fall for it big time. Then, when all heck breaks loose, and you realize he's a dog, you're already emotionally envolved, and if you haven't gotten over the initial reason you're vulverable, you want his attention.

Every situation differs, ask more questions, for more clairified answers, I'll help out.


I realize I'm not being all that helpful, this online thing is new to me and I'm not really able to express myself the way I want to, so please help with question and comments, thank you so much.

dahlia1 wrote:Then, when all heck breaks loose, and you realize he's a dog, you're already emotionally envolved, and if you haven't gotten over the initial reason you're vulverable, you want his attention.

Why is it so hard to become emotionally detached from someone like that? Can't one rationalize that it's in one's best interest to leave that which causes harm? Doesn't one realize that the love is not mutual, and the relationship is not beneficial to the victim? It's like you're giving all the emotion you've got and not getting any back. In the end, you'll have nothing.

Umm, yeah, it's nutty, isn't it? But that's what happens.. No, one can't realize, in the moment, what's happening. And no, some can not emotionally detach from that. Some can. But some can't. They are caught up in the web, and it's too late. Finally you realize you're giving too much, and that's why they end up here.

Why is it so hard to become emotionally detached from someone like that? Can't one rationalize that it's in one's best interest to leave that which causes harm? Doesn't one realize that the love is not mutual, and the relationship is not beneficial to the victim? It's like you're giving all the emotion you've got and not getting any back. In the end, you'll have nothing.

Why is it so hard to quit smoking, drinking, or anything else that you know is bad for you but is addictive?

Think before you write please.

woefulyetstrong wrote:
Why is it so hard to quit smoking, drinking, or anything else that you know is bad for you but is addictive?

Think before you write please.

It's very easy for me to leave people, even when they aren't abusive, which is why I don't understand why you can't. My wife was in an abusive relationship with her ex, who recently got released from prison. She's having trouble dealing with it, and I'd like to be able to help her a little better. Therefore, I asked.

It's very easy for me to leave people, even when they aren't abusive, which is why I don't understand why you can't. My wife was in an abusive relationship with her ex, who recently got released from prison. She's having trouble dealing with it, and I'd like to be able to help her a little better. Therefore, I asked.

That's nice, everyone is different. However, I know my ex would never get involved with ex felons or people who were in prison... Perhaps you are a poor judge of character. I knew my ex had issues very early into the relationship. Why did I stay? Because everyone has problems, no one is perfect.

It's the same reason why people continue smoking and drinking even though they know it's bad for them. The happiness they derive from doing said activity outweighs the potential risks.

How can you help her? You can't.

woefulyetstrong wrote:How can you help her? You can't.

I can better understand what she's going through. I can be there for her. I can console her through her "no contact" rule. See, there are many ways I can help her.

woefulyetstrong wrote:

Why is it so hard to become emotionally detached from someone like that? Can't one rationalize that it's in one's best interest to leave that which causes harm? Doesn't one realize that the love is not mutual, and the relationship is not beneficial to the victim? It's like you're giving all the emotion you've got and not getting any back. In the end, you'll have nothing.

Why is it so hard to quit smoking, drinking, or anything else that you know is bad for you but is addictive

The relationship feeds an emotional need.
People who continue in relationships like these are getting some of their own emotional needs met... unhealthy needs, but needs nevertheless.
It's not rational, myers. It's emotional... of the unhealthy sort.

Personally, I don't have a problem leaving a person who is bad/evil or abusive. If I see them for what they are, then I really have no time for them.

However, the problem is when I see either some 'good' in them or I have compassion for them due to their history or childhood.

LifeSong wrote:
The relationship feeds an emotional need.
People who continue in relationships like these are getting some of their own emotional needs met... unhealthy needs, but needs nevertheless.
It's not rational, myers. It's emotional... of the unhealthy sort.

Makes sense. Thanks.