I can't free myself from the feeling that it's something with ME that make guys devalue me. It hurts so much, and I really need to find out what it is and do what I can to turn this around...
Boyfriend 1 - whom I started dating when I was 18 and he 21:
- Shy loner type, always knew best, would ridicule others. Suspicious, "morally superior", chauvinistic. (I was like a needy puppy - can understand it annoyed him.)
- Either very warm and loving, or cold and dismissive. Could be so happy he was crying because he "loved me so deeply".
- Would pick fights in a passive-aggressive, sneaky nasty way, and deny it. Especially right before important events such as my birthday, and then punish me by not showing up, not answering his phone, etc.
- Would deliberately hurt me and then claim he "didn't mean it that way". Would accuse me of "having the potential of cheating on him" (I felt so ugly I didn't even look at other guys)
- Dumped me for the last time when I was on vacation, because he heared the voice of another guy in the background. Later regrettet it, but I didn't take him back.
- Laughed coldly and refused to help me when my new BF almost killed me, because he was having fun at a party (I was running around in the forest to get away from him and needed help)
- Still can't understand why I won't be friends with him or "meet him and see what happens". If we're at the same bar (once a year when I'm in my hometown), makes out with other girls while trying to make sure I see it. (I don't care - DON'T want him back.)
- Extrovert, charming, dynamic, popular.
- In short: Either intensely hated me, intensely loved me, or seemed depressed (when he was in some sort of drama with girls he claimed to hate).
- Would "invest" in me; make huge plans for the future, buy me clothes, show me to the world, seemed a little obsessed about how others percieved us. Called me 10 times a day and always needed to keep track of where I was and what I was doing.
- Bad mouthed his Ex. Always compared me to her - I was either a 100 times better or a 100 times worse.
- The first time I withdrew a little because of his intensity: Got raging mad, drove like a maniac, threatened to kill us both, ruin my reputation and my life. Then, all of a sudden, could suddenly be just as loving and feel sorry for what he did - if I promised not to leave him. (I think I was in a state of shock for the rest of the relationship)
- Beat me up the first time I put my foot firmly down and "demanded" that he talked to me about what was bothering him instead of creating all sorts of drama. Lied to the police and hit himself to appear as the abused one.
- Had NO limits, would stop at nothing to get it HIS way.
- Got therapy, after ultimatums from me, but it only made him manipulate in a less obvious way.
- We dated for a year after that but I knew I had to break up because it was eating me up what he had done to me. He made my life a living hell again, followed me everywhere, threatened to kill me, demanded that I payed him back for everything he had given me, ruined my reputation --- until I was a wreck. I tried so hard to stay strong but finally agreed to meet him, slept with him (and he seemed to finally "get it" and be in touch with himself) - then dumped me the next day and moved in with a 20 year old, and really rubbed it in how happy he was now and how he would never treat her the way he treated me because he loved her so much and had never loved me. Then started sexually harrassing me, to the point where I had to tell her just to make him stop (involving the police would mean more hell), and agan threatening to kill me because I was "hurting her".
Boyfriend 3, after many years of PTSD++ and therapy:
- Seemed shy and neurotic, but would quickly shift into a charismatic persona.
- Always had to decide where and when to meet.
- Pushed for committment, said I was the only one. Maybe got a little frustrated because I was so careful?
- Would suddenly turn nasty and come with small mean spirited comments about my body or weight (I'm SLIM, so I thought he was joking - or testing me).
- Had a long-term girlfriend the whole time (sharing an apartment in another country), denied it, then got mad, ignored me for days (I thought I was being paranoid so I apologized - and he immediately turned super nice again), then - weeks later when I still wanted to know what was going on, denied denied denied until I pretended I already knew everything - then he admitted everything and freaked out as if I was super creepy who knew stuff about him that he hadn't told me, then he wanted to assure himself of my feelings for him (!!!) - the next day with stupid manipulative explanations on e-mail and asking for "time to figure out what to do", be nasty and mean when we saw each other on the street, be even nastier when we met for "closure", run after me and feel bad when I gave up and walked away, later pretended to go through some kind of difficult process and end up choosing me. Had in reality not broken up with his gf at all, had several other affairs as well, and when I found out it was first more nasty comments about my looks and my worth to him, then an sms with "change of plans, bye", and he never talked to me again - except from letting me know how incredibly happy he was now - and that he never says mean things to his girlfriend (like he did to me), because he loves HER so much, while I was nothing - he just THOUGHT I was. Explains everything SO WELL afterwards that I don't know what to believe.
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?