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Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

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Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby targeted » Mon Dec 07, 2009 10:58 pm

Over the course of many years my ex-N boyfriend has devalued & discarded me on numerous occasions. We have always had a long distance relationship, and come from very different backgrounds.

The last few D&D's I've become fed up with what appears to be a game with him, he alternates between myself and a full time girlfriend that he denies having. The behavior is actually more bizarre, because he denies not only his relationship, but the realities of his entire life--not only to me, but to all his friends as well. He hides his life with her and he lives with her. While he is with her he turns off his phone for weeks, even months and does not talk to anyone (friends or family) that he knows. When he turns the phone back on, he gets in touch with everyone and tells them he has been traveling, or he might say that he was ill. Always an excuse, but never mentions his significant other to anyone.

When the phone comes back on he tries to reconnect with everyone, myself included. Like we are part of a completely different life. So, the last time after a 6 month d&d he told me he had been ill, and off on his "own", and he needed to see me. So I flew 3,000 miles to see him. Before I went I told him that if the outcome was going to be the same (us spending a week together, then him giving me the silent treatment for another 6 months after I came home) then I did not want to come and join him.

He gave it some thought, and the next day said to me "I have loved you more than any woman in my entire life, but I can not give you what you need, can't give you anything so I don't think we should get together". I said how sad I was to hear that after all these years. Then he changed his mind and said he had to see me, he loved me too much.

So I went and joined him. We had a great week. Two days after I returned home, he refused to talk to me on the phone, did not respond to my messages and shut the phone off again. It has been off for the last 3 weeks, but I do not call anymore.

I went NC after the last d&d. It is very easy to do when he stays away, but he keeps worming his way back in.

my question---- could there be any truth in what he said. He is definitely a narcissist, so is it possible that he realizes the truth and he was trying to push me away because he knows he is sick and will ultimately destroy me? Is there any goodness inside this person, or is this all part of a sick game and he is pulling me close, only so he can push me away again-- recycling the supply.

I want him gone forever, but he does not leave me alone. He disappears, only to keep coming back.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby somenarc » Tue Dec 08, 2009 8:21 am

You know, that's a real interesting topic. I personally have tried many times to let go of a relationship I'm in, even before diagnosis, 'cause I think most narcs definately realize something is off with them. Don't know how much of it is "goodness" though- my logic goes something like: "I mistreat her even though I don't really want to, and if I tell her that and she leaves, well fine I don't care about her that much anyways; if she decides to stay then even if I do harm she obviously doesn't mind it", takes you off the hook you know, that way you don't feel guilty if you shout, humiliate, or devalue the other person, because you've told them what's up and they're staying at their own free will.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby foreverhopeful » Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:31 am

thats exactly what my ex does, as im getting stronger and less tollerant of it the devaluing becomes more and more severe, ive started to try not to take it personally now, i just laughed at him last time and he hated it!
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby Normal? » Tue Dec 08, 2009 10:04 am

Hello Targeted

What I would say is that pronouncements such as these are ‘pity-prods’. They put you on the backfoot because rather than being justifiably angry at your partner you begin to sympathise with them. Unfortunately this makes you a perfect target for being ‘sucked back in’ at a later date.

I once read here that you should concentrate NOT on what a Narcissist says but one what he or she DOES. I think in your case, and my own, actions speak louder than words. I would ignore therefore what he says – in general it means nothing unless it is backed up by conduct and behaviours that support his claims. If the two don’t correlate then someone is lying?

Good luck!
Last edited by Normal? on Thu Jul 08, 2010 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This should have been a noble creature:
A goodly frame of glorious elements,
Had they been wisely mingled; as it is,
It is an awful chaos—light and darkness,
And mind and dust, and passions and pure thoughts,
Mix’d, and contending without end or order,
All dormant or destructive.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby targeted » Tue Dec 08, 2009 1:31 pm

somenarc wrote:You know, that's a real interesting topic. I personally have tried many times to let go of a relationship I'm in, even before diagnosis, 'cause I think most narcs definately realize something is off with them. Don't know how much of it is "goodness" though- my logic goes something like: "I mistreat her even though I don't really want to, and if I tell her that and she leaves, well fine I don't care about her that much anyways; if she decides to stay then even if I do harm she obviously doesn't mind it", takes you off the hook you know, that way you don't feel guilty if you shout, humiliate, or devalue the other person, because you've told them what's up and they're staying at their own free will.


Thank you for your honest answer which is so very helpful to me.

My narc has said so many times "I don't mean to hurt you". You are saying he can't help from doing it and maybe he feels bad about keeping it going when he "knows" he should really let go. It seems like it is a way to keep the pull me close/push me away, provide supply/d&d cycle going.. It has been going on for 8 years! He keeps trying to get back with me while saying he has nothing to give me. Based on your explanation, I have been doing exactly what he wants and probably making it much easier for him to d&d me without remorse.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby targeted » Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:15 pm

Normal? wrote:Hello Targeted

It was at this stage that he told me some very similar things to your ex:

I’ll never be good enough for you – that’s all there is to it.
I’m doing you a favour by leaving – you would’ve regretted it eventually.
I always do the wrong thing – I always have.
I want to change but you don’t think I’m worth it.
I am doing this because I think the world of you and no-one else can ever come close.


Good luck!


Thank you for sharing this with me. It sounds so like mine. He did not ever do what he said so sometimes I thought he was just saying what sounded like the right thing to say, and justify his bad behavior in advance of doing it. I do believe he had another agenda in place all along, sort of like a master plan and was just trying to look like the good guy, knowing what he was going to do. At the same time, I thought he knew what he was doing was wrong, so I was easier on him, like having a soft spot. I wanted to believe the nice things about him, but knew in my gut he was lying.

Knowing all this makes the NC so much easier now, but I am still always trying to validate the relationship in my mind-- try to believe it meant something to him, and I know now that will never happen.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby Normal? » Tue Dec 08, 2009 3:51 pm

targeted wrote:Thank you for sharing this with me.
I wanted to believe the nice things about him, but knew in my gut he was lying.


You're welcome!
Last edited by Normal? on Thu Jul 08, 2010 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
This should have been a noble creature:
A goodly frame of glorious elements,
Had they been wisely mingled; as it is,
It is an awful chaos—light and darkness,
And mind and dust, and passions and pure thoughts,
Mix’d, and contending without end or order,
All dormant or destructive.
Normal?
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby SenseAtLast » Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:36 am

Just having a read. I think Normal and Targeted highlight the kind of co-dependency that links in with the N that gives the N control.

N's will say whatever they can to get what they want NOW. In short, they lie. Its not about the other person, its about gratifying their need for NS, or whatever else they want, and now. There is no long term with an N. They don't plan that far ahead. They are just really great at dealing with the present to get what they want, and this means they are very 'present' and is an attribute for success.

At some point, to move on, you have to realise that your own guilt and the emotions that interactions with N give rise to are not the N's fault but your pre-programming. A kind of co-dependency borne of care and concern but without the necessary boundaries for health. That step needs to be taken to avoid falling for another N further down the track.

This kind of pre-programming is like a neon sign to an N, and is actually why they do 'target' people. People with a low tolerance for N behaviour are left very much alone by N's -- except for slanging off about them.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby Smacster » Mon Dec 14, 2009 3:04 am

SenseAtLast wrote:N's will say whatever they can to get what they want NOW. In short, they lie. Its not about the other person, its about gratifying their need for NS, or whatever else they want, and now. There is no long term with an N. They don't plan that far ahead. They are just really great at dealing with the present to get what they want, and this means they are very 'present' and is an attribute for success.


This is true, but it requires a LOT of energy. Seriously. It's why my sleeping patterns are off. I can only be "peak active" for maybe two hours. Very draining.

As far as picking up on social cues, different story.
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Re: Devalued & Discarded but he won't let go.

Postby SenseAtLast » Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:22 am

Smacster wrote:
SenseAtLast wrote:N's will say whatever they can to get what they want NOW. In short, they lie. Its not about the other person, its about gratifying their need for NS, or whatever else they want, and now. There is no long term with an N. They don't plan that far ahead. They are just really great at dealing with the present to get what they want, and this means they are very 'present' and is an attribute for success.


This is true, but it requires a LOT of energy. Seriously. It's why my sleeping patterns are off. I can only be "peak active" for maybe two hours. Very draining.

As far as picking up on social cues, different story.

I've often wondered how N's could sleep at night or how well they sleep. Interesting to note that they don't or have trouble.

Yep, it has long been known that lying is emotionally draining. You have to remember all this stuff about what you have said to whom and then there is the constant fear of discovery.

However, I would have thought that is nothing compared to adenaline effects of the rage that arises when confronted about the lies. After, it's over I would have thought it is really quite debilitating especially if it doesn't result in NS.
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