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How to get ex N to value you again

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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby m22 » Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:40 pm

I'm not sure what made me useless. I assume he found a better NS then me.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby a_little_broken » Wed Dec 23, 2009 7:41 am

Rubbish, of course he told you. If he 'devalued' you as you said he did, he ultimately would have made a point of explaining in great detail why you were defective and unworthy of him. If he has any skill the critical comments would initially have been fairly innocuous and would have served to clearly identify for him which buttons would provoke the desired responses/reactions. In time you would have given him whatever he needed to reduce you to a quivering pile of insecurity that has come to crave the abuse he deigned to shower you with.

P.S. Don't answer my question, my motives for getting you to specify the insecurities he may have identified (or created) in you were far from pure. You may not see it but you have an invisible tattoo on your forehead that says 'victim', it's almost too much to resist.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby m22 » Wed Dec 23, 2009 6:56 pm

Actually I wondered if something like that existed that somehow told him I would take his crap. I'm not sure what it is except I've stuck around for years until he finally got rid of me. We are middle aged people and he has only had 1 other girlfriend besides me and she only last for 3 months.

When I asked him why he broke up with me and kept bugging him he did list all kinds of horrible crap. He basically turned everything about me into something he hated (even if he said he liked it initially). He even gave me a list of things he hated about me which was a page and a half typed. He told me I could read the list at my leisure and take it with me to a therapist so they could fix me. I glanced at the list and noticed stuff he said he didn't like that applied to him! Projecting his own stuff on me I think.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby LifeSong » Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:42 pm

Rather than your original question "How do I get ex N to value me again?", it would be more useful and helpful to you to change the question to "Why do I want (need) to get a narcissistic person to value me again?"

Asking and dealing with that question will go much further towards making sure you aren't in this position again.
And not dealing with that question might ensure that you will be in this position again.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby mindful » Fri Dec 25, 2009 9:06 am

LifeSong wrote:Rather than your original question "How do I get ex N to value me again?", it would be more useful and helpful to you to change the question to "Why do I want (need) to get a narcissistic person to value me again?"

Asking and dealing with that question will go much further towards making sure you aren't in this position again.
And not dealing with that question might ensure that you will be in this position again.


Ah, Lifesong, Merry Christmas.
Your words are so wise. It's rarely about the answers, but about asking the right questions.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby LifeSong » Sat Dec 26, 2009 4:17 am

mindful wrote:
LifeSong wrote:Rather than your original question "How do I get ex N to value me again?", it would be more useful and helpful to you to change the question to "Why do I want (need) to get a narcissistic person to value me again?"
Asking and dealing with that question will go much further towards making sure you aren't in this position again.
And not dealing with that question might ensure that you will be in this position again.

Ah, Lifesong, Merry Christmas.
Your words are so wise. It's rarely about the answers, but about asking the right questions.

Hi mindful. Merry Christmas to you too. How was your day?
I'm sitting here right now, waiting for my daughter's basketball team to come over to celebrate with us, and my back is being massaged all over by waving or pulsing 8 point units from my shoulders to my lower hips, with heat, and so are my feet - shiatsu massager units, gifts from my son and daughter. I'm in HEAVEN. This feels glorious. I'm just wondering how I can cart these to the office for the day, and then bring them home again for the night!
Yes, answering the wrong question isn't useful... but asking the right question, even before having the answer, is always useful. It's about where you focus your attention and awareness, I think. Simply focusing your attention in the right place brings rewards. I see that you know this too.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby two_roads » Sat Dec 26, 2009 11:51 am

Serendipity wrote:
I have been in another relationship for 2 years and although my N is aware of this, he constantly calls, texts, and emails. I never answer any calls and only respond to any email that is related to legal issues. He recently indicated that he thought I was the only perfect woman and he knew he deserved what he got and was so sorry for all the hurt he caused. He hinted towards interest in resuming the relationship (although I totally ignored it and changed the subject). I'm not stupid enough to believe that there could ever be any future in any relationship with him, so this honestly doesn't affect me. But it makes me curious as to why he persists after all this time if I am not supplying him with any NS.

Any thoughts?


Hi Serendipity

I think he wants to draw you closer, and then weaken you. N's have strong urges to weaken other people, especially their partners. They get an extraordinary emotional ( and sometimes sexual) rise out of it. It's sick.

He basically hates to see you move on and happy, with him totally out of your system. That's his motivator.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby woefulyetstrong » Fri Jan 01, 2010 1:27 am

somenarc wrote:I beg to differ. It is completely possible for a devalued partner to become valued again by a narcissist.

This can happen in one of several ways I can think of:
1. The narcissist left because he found a "better"- prettier, nicer as a person, more submissive partner [better NSS]. In this case, if the former partner starts dressing sexier, becomes more appeasing and/or more submissive- the narc will LIKELY return.

2. The other person left because of the narcissist's behavior, found a new partner/partners, but discovered that they're not as worthwhile to that person as the narcissist was- the other person could take the "lesser of two evils" approach and decide to hook back up with the N, and if the N is not in another relationship he'll PROBABLY return; he MIGHT even if he is in a relationship, if the former person is a better NSS.

Soooo, it all adds up to- ANY narcissist will return to ANY relationship if the former partner is a "better" NSS than the current one. A narcissist discarding you basically means: "You are a boring, stupid, worthless partner. I thought you were a good source of supply, and you turned out to be a poor source of NSS. Therefore, I am leaving to find a better NSS."
Actually, to everybody reading this trying to imagine what narcissism feels like for the N- this is what it feels like, an endless pursuit of the best NS you can get. That's why there's grandiosity- "I am grand, therefore I deserve NS";
fantasies of unlimited success and the like - "If I do this stuff, I will get better NS"; need for admiration - " Admiration is the best kind of NS, and since I am good, I need this kind of NS"; entitlement - "I deserve this, because if I have it I'll get better NS", exploiting others - "If you do this for me, I'm not exploiting you, you're just providing me with NS, which is what I need"; envious of others - "How come this guy gets better NS than me?"; arrogance - "You people don't have as much NS as me".


There is a good chance this is true. If you look at the disorder they do seek to find the best possible source. If they feel like you are now valuing yourself, and don't care or otherwise detached from them, it will make them want you more. This is basic psychology and applies to all people even "n"'s.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby targeted » Sat Jan 02, 2010 1:48 am

woefulyetstrong wrote:
somenarc wrote:I beg to differ. It is completely possible for a devalued partner to become valued again by a narcissist.

Soooo, it all adds up to- ANY narcissist will return to ANY relationship if the former partner is a "better" NSS than the current one.



My ex-N valued & devalued, then cycle repeat, over and over again. Having asked myself "why" over and over again, I came to realize that the answer in the quote above is the key and the ANSWER to many of the narcissist's behaviors.

I have called it narcissistic supply economics. The narcissist will come back over and over again if he thinks you will provide better and more supply than other alternatives. That is all there is too it. It has nothing to do with any other feelings.

I also think there is some nostalgia going on with the narcissist's thinking where he remembers the good feelings he once had when he was with you, but this is all to do with the quality of the supply, and it was probably during a time before you were "on to him". Of course we can not turn back the clock, and that is why if you go back with him, you will be devalued once again in no time at all. You can never go back to the initial days when you were idealized, because those were the days before you knew what his flaws were and what was wrong with him.

He knows that you know, and your usefulness to him is now limited.

On another note, to the person who initially posted this topic, why would you want him to come back to you? If he is gone for good, run, run , run.....
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby m22 » Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:23 pm

Mostly I'm just curious. I'm trying to really understand this personality disorder. His behavior has baffled me although the more I read on narcissism the more it makes sense. I keep telling myself whoever is filling the supply now is eventually going to be treated like crap too.
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