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How to get ex N to value you again

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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby shivers » Mon Dec 07, 2009 11:22 am

m22, as far as I'm aware, once devalued, a person is devalued forever more. You can try all you want, but he'll see through your ruse and you'll end up getting more hurt and exploited than you did the first time.

Consider yourself lucky that he's dumped you and stay no-contact.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby somenarc » Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:02 am

I beg to differ. It is completely possible for a devalued partner to become valued again by a narcissist.

This can happen in one of several ways I can think of:
1. The narcissist left because he found a "better"- prettier, nicer as a person, more submissive partner [better NSS]. In this case, if the former partner starts dressing sexier, becomes more appeasing and/or more submissive- the narc will LIKELY return.

2. The other person left because of the narcissist's behavior, found a new partner/partners, but discovered that they're not as worthwhile to that person as the narcissist was- the other person could take the "lesser of two evils" approach and decide to hook back up with the N, and if the N is not in another relationship he'll PROBABLY return; he MIGHT even if he is in a relationship, if the former person is a better NSS.

Soooo, it all adds up to- ANY narcissist will return to ANY relationship if the former partner is a "better" NSS than the current one. A narcissist discarding you basically means: "You are a boring, stupid, worthless partner. I thought you were a good source of supply, and you turned out to be a poor source of NSS. Therefore, I am leaving to find a better NSS."
Actually, to everybody reading this trying to imagine what narcissism feels like for the N- this is what it feels like, an endless pursuit of the best NS you can get. That's why there's grandiosity- "I am grand, therefore I deserve NS";
fantasies of unlimited success and the like - "If I do this stuff, I will get better NS"; need for admiration - " Admiration is the best kind of NS, and since I am good, I need this kind of NS"; entitlement - "I deserve this, because if I have it I'll get better NS", exploiting others - "If you do this for me, I'm not exploiting you, you're just providing me with NS, which is what I need"; envious of others - "How come this guy gets better NS than me?"; arrogance - "You people don't have as much NS as me".
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby free2beme » Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:28 am

somenarc= thanks for that explanation. That is what happened with me and my x . I went from no value to being valued again because I was really good to him. He even told me that I was very good to him. We were very close at onetime with no fighting(which was rare)

this last time he dumped me...he said if I was nice to him we could talk again. It is always if I am nice to him and what you just wrote really made sense to me Me being nice to him gives him a lot of NS. Me thanking him , praising him etc gives him NS. Me doing or saying anything other makes me less valuable...and that is where I am at right now. thanks for this post.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby m22 » Tue Dec 08, 2009 1:36 pm

This is interesting. The last few conversations I've had with my ex N he has found a way to work into the conversation that he doesn't want me anymore. Like I asked him if he wanted to be friends. To which asked me what I meant by friends and then proceeded to tell me he started dating someone a couple times but hadn't kissed her yet and then felt the need to comment that him and I are too different to date. Was there a point to telling me this? I wonder if he wanted me to grovel and ask for him to not date her and to date me. When we first broke up I did grovel for him to not break up. He seemed to enjoy that but didn't come back. So you think if I'm really nice and take all his crap and tell him he's wonderful he'll decide that we aren't different and would like me again?
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby somenarc » Wed Dec 09, 2009 8:14 pm

m22 wrote:This is interesting. The last few conversations I've had with my ex N he has found a way to work into the conversation that he doesn't want me anymore. Like I asked him if he wanted to be friends. To which asked me what I meant by friends and then proceeded to tell me he started dating someone a couple times but hadn't kissed her yet and then felt the need to comment that him and I are too different to date. Was there a point to telling me this? I wonder if he wanted me to grovel and ask for him to not date her and to date me. When we first broke up I did grovel for him to not break up. He seemed to enjoy that but didn't come back. So you think if I'm really nice and take all his crap and tell him he's wonderful he'll decide that we aren't different and would like me again?


If the other person isn't a BETTER source of NS (which I have no way of knowing) then YES!
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby Serendipity » Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:37 am

shivers wrote:m22, as far as I'm aware, once devalued, a person is devalued forever more. You can try all you want, but he'll see through your ruse and you'll end up getting more hurt and exploited than you did the first time.

Consider yourself lucky that he's dumped you and stay no-contact.



Hi shivers. Good to see you posting. I agree with your advice, but I believe that you can be "revalued" at least temporarily. Then again, it would take no time at all for your N to repeat the same behaviors so I guess it doesn't really make a difference.

I met, married and left my ex-N in just under a year. Actually, I left him after only 3 months of marriage. I maintain as much NC as possible but there have been occasional moments when I have to speak to him regarding legal issues. I maintain a cordial but distant attitude during these rare encounters. I actually don't have to fake it because that's exactly how I feel.

I have been in another relationship for 2 years and although my N is aware of this, he constantly calls, texts, and emails. I never answer any calls and only respond to any email that is related to legal issues. He recently indicated that he thought I was the only perfect woman and he knew he deserved what he got and was so sorry for all the hurt he caused. He hinted towards interest in resuming the relationship (although I totally ignored it and changed the subject). I'm not stupid enough to believe that there could ever be any future in any relationship with him, so this honestly doesn't affect me. But it makes me curious as to why he persists after all this time if I am not supplying him with any NS.

Any thoughts?
"Battle not with monsters
lest ye become a monster
and if you gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes into you."

-Friedrich Nietzsche
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby Friggle » Sun Dec 13, 2009 6:33 am

Do you know how pathetic you sound? If he/she ever decides to be with you again, I'd assume he/she ran out of options.
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby BarrierReef » Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:27 pm

Serendipity wrote:
shivers wrote:m22, as far as I'm aware, once devalued, a person is devalued forever more. You can try all you want, but he'll see through your ruse and you'll end up getting more hurt and exploited than you did the first time.

Consider yourself lucky that he's dumped you and stay no-contact.



Hi shivers. Good to see you posting. I agree with your advice, but I believe that you can be "revalued" at least temporarily. Then again, it would take no time at all for your N to repeat the same behaviors so I guess it doesn't really make a difference.

I met, married and left my ex-N in just under a year. Actually, I left him after only 3 months of marriage. I maintain as much NC as possible but there have been occasional moments when I have to speak to him regarding legal issues. I maintain a cordial but distant attitude during these rare encounters. I actually don't have to fake it because that's exactly how I feel.

I have been in another relationship for 2 years and although my N is aware of this, he constantly calls, texts, and emails. I never answer any calls and only respond to any email that is related to legal issues. He recently indicated that he thought I was the only perfect woman and he knew he deserved what he got and was so sorry for all the hurt he caused. He hinted towards interest in resuming the relationship (although I totally ignored it and changed the subject). I'm not stupid enough to believe that there could ever be any future in any relationship with him, so this honestly doesn't affect me. But it makes me curious as to why he persists after all this time if I am not supplying him with any NS.

Any thoughts?


He's probably ultra-competitive.
And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

Pink Floyd, "Outside the Wall"
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby SenseAtLast » Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:59 am

Serendipity wrote:
shivers wrote:m22, as far as I'm aware, once devalued, a person is devalued forever more. You can try all you want, but he'll see through your ruse and you'll end up getting more hurt and exploited than you did the first time.

Consider yourself lucky that he's dumped you and stay no-contact.



Hi shivers. Good to see you posting. I agree with your advice, but I believe that you can be "revalued" at least temporarily. Then again, it would take no time at all for your N to repeat the same behaviors so I guess it doesn't really make a difference.

I met, married and left my ex-N in just under a year. Actually, I left him after only 3 months of marriage. I maintain as much NC as possible but there have been occasional moments when I have to speak to him regarding legal issues. I maintain a cordial but distant attitude during these rare encounters. I actually don't have to fake it because that's exactly how I feel.

I have been in another relationship for 2 years and although my N is aware of this, he constantly calls, texts, and emails. I never answer any calls and only respond to any email that is related to legal issues. He recently indicated that he thought I was the only perfect woman and he knew he deserved what he got and was so sorry for all the hurt he caused. He hinted towards interest in resuming the relationship (although I totally ignored it and changed the subject). I'm not stupid enough to believe that there could ever be any future in any relationship with him, so this honestly doesn't affect me. But it makes me curious as to why he persists after all this time if I am not supplying him with any NS.

Any thoughts?

My 2c worth is pursuing you is a compulsion likely borne of him running out of options for NS. He's trying it on and if he can succeed it will also fulfill his grandiosity stuff because he managed to get you from another fella.

Get a restraining order. :wink: :wink:
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Re: How to get ex N to value you again

Postby a_little_broken » Mon Dec 21, 2009 7:17 am

m22 wrote:Once a narcissist devalues you and decides you are not good enough for them could they ever come back and want you again? My ex N dumped me and I am curious about this. I know I should get on with my life and all that, but what would have to do to get them to want me again? Would it involve degrading and humiliating me or just showing them huge amounts of adoration and letting them control? Or is it even possible?

m22 wrote:So if I value myself then the ex N would want me again? I think I do value myself. Not sure what you mean by that. If I wanted to have my ex N interested in me again, what should I do?

m22 wrote:Maybe I'm an inverted narcissist or borderline. At any rate is it possible to change his mind? I know that's not what I'm supposed to do but I'm wondering if it is possible and how to do it and what it would involve.

m22 wrote:I appreciate everyone's good will and I know I deserve better and all of that. It just seems like there must be some way to renew the n's interest.

m22 wrote:This is interesting. The last few conversations I've had with my ex N he has found a way to work into the conversation that he doesn't want me anymore. Like I asked him if he wanted to be friends. To which asked me what I meant by friends and then proceeded to tell me he started dating someone a couple times but hadn't kissed her yet and then felt the need to comment that him and I are too different to date. Was there a point to telling me this? I wonder if he wanted me to grovel and ask for him to not date her and to date me. When we first broke up I did grovel for him to not break up. He seemed to enjoy that but didn't come back. So you think if I'm really nice and take all his crap and tell him he's wonderful he'll decide that we aren't different and would like me again?


Well hey there little kitten,

Look at that delightfully one track mind, the more you're told trying to go back is a destructive path, the more you're gagging for it. Was it that plucky determination that was part of his attraction in the first place?

You failed to mention what it is about you that ultimately rendered you useless to him?
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