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The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

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The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby LillyLilly » Tue Sep 15, 2009 4:59 pm

The Narcissist I know lived only for petty revenge, a spitefulness that carried on into years if it wasn’t perceivably ‘relieved.’ When I told off and detached from the N, over a year passed until a saw it again. When I did, its fingernails were long and unkempt, its hair long and matted… its eyes deranged. It had literally gone insane! And it immediately started to enact its revenge, obviously a plot that it had dwelled on the entire time, sick from being unable to carry it out.

Any information given to the N was just material for study; for example, the day I told the N that what it was a Narcissist it immediately sought out books on the subject, studied and projected onto me like I was the Narcissist. There was no being wrong for my N, only learning new things to degrade me with. In an argument, it would actually run and get a pen-and-paper, taking notes on everything I said. It saw my words only as fuel that could be used against me; nothing I said actually concerned the N in any way. It was all just ammunition.

In fact, the day I felt spiteful and like I needed revenge, I cut off contact COMPLETELY. It was the signal that it was time to get into therapy, fix myself, and repair my mind.

My N was not above hair pulling, whimpering and throwing tantrums because for a few moments my attention was not on it. And more than anything, the N hated the devotion I had to my interests, and went on a stalking campaign in attempt to destroy my ability to focus on things I enjoy. Thought could be only on the N, or weeks of abuse would ensue. Any bit of joy or relaxation I found was met with an attack, so I learned to be on edge, never at ease. Relaxation was not allowed; quiet thoughts were not allowed.

The N was sick.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby Phoenixrising81704 » Tue Sep 15, 2009 5:50 pm

WTF was that? Is there a question in there or just a rant against N's? A need to shout to the mountaintops on how you beat him and because of you this and that happened to him? Congrats... you win. "and lest you become the monster" (Damn Serindipity can I steal that quote?)

Ok asshat is off now..

The tone of your post implies heavily that you are still very much influenced by your ex. Don't give him that much power, he's forgotten you and despite you feeling good about your actions, he's still in control. He is still influencing your actions. Yes he was this and he was that, but you can see that, you feel hurt, guess what that gives you something he will never have. Take consolation in that. (I am curious as hell as to what feelings feel like and it pisses me off that I don't know) Take from it and learn, realize how strong a person you are (he didn't make you, just forced you to see it) and thank him for it. In summary don't let him be a negative influence on you, turn everything to a positive light and you will indeed have won.
Because here the victims become the monsters and need the help.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby sfguy » Tue Sep 15, 2009 9:55 pm

The fact that she calls him an "it" proves that "LillyLilly" is quite deranged herself. That's ever more depersonalizing than anything a functioning narcissist would say. (at least out loud)
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby Phoenixrising81704 » Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:39 pm

sfguy75x Have you noticed that the pissed off ex's come on here decrying N's all the while treating all of us like we did it to them personally, and to make it even better they treat us the same way they were treated and its ok now?
Because here the victims become the monsters and need the help.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby LifeSong » Wed Sep 16, 2009 11:53 pm

Phoenixrising81704 wrote: The tone of your post implies heavily that you are still very much influenced by your ex. Don't give him that much power, he's forgotten you and despite you feeling good about your actions, he's still in control. He is still influencing your actions. Yes he was this and he was that, but you can see that, you feel hurt, guess what that gives you something he will never have. Take consolation in that. (I am curious as hell as to what feelings feel like and it pisses me off that I don't know) Take from it and learn, realize how strong a person you are (he didn't make you, just forced you to see it) and thank him for it. In summary don't let him be a negative influence on you, turn everything to a positive light and you will indeed have won.

I agree with every word of this.
sfguy75x Have you noticed that the pissed off ex's come on here decrying N's all the while treating all of us like we did it to them personally, and to make it even better they treat us the same way they were treated and its ok now

I'll let sfguy respond to this, but wanted to say that I decry depersonalization and objectification of others. I've experienced that firsthand all my life from my NPD parent. I will not do it to another person. It's a personal dignity thing with me.
I understand what drives Lilly to say "it" but I do not condone it and it is morally objectionable to me.
It also holds her hostage to her ex, imo. Just as my saying "the mother" did for me in my past.
She may think it is detaching... I say it is not. It serves quite the opposite function psychologically.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby sfguy » Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:48 am

Phoenixrising81704 wrote:sfguy75x Have you noticed that the pissed off ex's come on here decrying N's all the while treating all of us like we did it to them personally, and to make it even better they treat us the same way they were treated and its ok now?

Yes I've noticed, it's about a 50/50 split between people who just want to rant, vs people who want to achieve some genuine understanding and closure.
I really enjoy participating in discussions with the 2nd category, people who want to heal themselves and take their own power back. For them, I think learning about narcissism allows them to feel some compassion and forgiveness which is psychologically very healthy. (and just because someone gets confused every time I mention "forgiveness" I have to mention that forgiving someone does not mean accepting them back into your life, it just means you aren't going to waste emotional energy carrying around a hateful grudge)

The first kind of person usually stops by, vents a little and doesn't stick around very long, probably because they quickly learn that this board doesn't really tolerate excessive narc-bashing and they don't get the "sympathy" they are looking for. I think there are other boards that do but I don't read them.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby sfguy » Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:50 am

LifeSong wrote:I decry depersonalization and objectification of others....
I understand what drives Lilly to say "it" but I do not condone it and it is morally objectionable to me.
It also holds her hostage to her ex, imo. Just as my saying "the mother" did for me in my past.
She may think it is detaching... I say it is not. It serves quite the opposite function psychologically.


I agree with you, although I suppose it's understandable in the early stages of recovery. I wouldn't make a big deal out of a normal person who depersonalizes their narcissistic ex, as long as it was just a temporary phase, it would start to be pathological if it went on for too long.
Last edited by sfguy on Thu Sep 17, 2009 3:07 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby shivers » Thu Sep 17, 2009 2:28 am

Looking more at the content of Lilly's post.....there's a lot of correct stuff in there.

The N's need for revenge is obsessional, omniprescent and all-encompassing. It is what drives them, it validates them. They even make up slights so that they can exact their agenda of revenge. They plan their days around getting revenge back on others, they fantasise about it for hours, dreaming up in their minds pictures and dialogues of how it will play out.

Secondly, the mentioning of not letting them know anything about your own needs, wants, desires, goals, dreams, coz if you do, they'll use it as ammo to get you back later. They store this information as a way of gaining power over you. They'll get it when you are arguing with them, or asking them for something, or having a discussion. They'll use information that you may have given early in the relationship, at a time when they had you believing the intimacy was mutual. All of it can and will be thrown back in your face and used 'get' you, at some stage. They forever go on about "exploding because their buttons were pushed" putting the blame on others, but they are the master manipulators that ensure they have information as ammo to not only "push buttons" but to attempt to wound deeply - on purpose. They want you to feel the injury they felt (and still do), it gives them pleasure, a false high to see that their words or actions have injured their target.

And watch them spit the dummy big time if you get a past-time that does not include them! Once they realise they not the centre of your attention, let the games begin. In practicality, this means a partner to an N (or any abusive partner for that matter) cannot have any time alone or pursue anything personal.

It's all about power over and control. Nothing less.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby shivers » Thu Sep 17, 2009 2:33 am

sfguy75x wrote:The fact that she calls him an "it" proves that "LillyLilly" is quite deranged herself. That's ever more depersonalizing than anything a functioning narcissist would say. (at least out loud)


What's with being so judgemental? Exactly, what is it to you that someone writes a post in a certain way? Let those who have no fault cast the first stone.
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Re: The Narcissists Obsessive Need for Revenge

Postby sfguy » Thu Sep 17, 2009 3:07 am

You tell me, you're the queen of judgmental.

In fact you're a shining example of the pathological "victim" who let your ex turn your life around. I hope Lilly doesn't become like you.
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