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Adult Children of Narcissists

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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby Run » Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:14 am

LifeSong wrote:This checklist I use might be helpful to those who suspect that their mother is narcissistic.

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder.
A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder.
All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you check, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.

(Most of these can apply to father relationships as well, although the relationship between narcissistic mothers/daughters expresses itself differently than does the relationship between narcissistic fathers/daughters).

• When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
• When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she she try to top the feeling with her own?
• Does your mother act jealous of you?
• Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
• Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
• Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
• Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
• Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
• When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
• Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
• Does your mother deny her own feelings?
• Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
• Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
• Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
• Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
• Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
• Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
• Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
• Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
• Are you shamed often by your mother?
• Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
• Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
• Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
• Does your mother appear phony to you?
• Does your mother want to control your choices?
• Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
• Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
• Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
• Do you feel valued, by your mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
• Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
• Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
• Does your mother compete with you?
• Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Lifesong


I agree with the list, except this one:
• Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
Because my mother is the other way around: one to one she can be kind, in the presence of an audience I am - often, not always, and always disguised as humour with a lot of sarcasm - the black sheep. She can do that because it is accepted by my whole family. Only my father, at the end of his life, was on my side because he got to really know her 'problem' when he got ill.
My mother has borderline traits, maybe that has something to do with it? Less controll?
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby AVR1962 » Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:50 am

I'm just now fully realizing the magnitude of how toxic my mother is. I am 48 and just recently start counseling......my mom took some steps with my Gpa's recent passing that I could not agree with which took me to counseling in the first place. My my was 16 when I was born, dad 17. Both have issues with alcohol so you can imagine my home as a child.

What I am realizing in counseling is that my mom taught me (scapegoat) to protect her, support her and always share her thoughts. My little sister (golden child) was sick and "needed" all the special attention. Nothing I did was good enough, nothing I did was right. I was belittled and cursed. I so wanted out of my home and by the time I was 16 I thought I had a plan. Plan was only temp and so I ended up marrying at 17. Unfortunately my husband was just like my mom in many ways......not truthful, not dependable, wanted me to do what he wanted with no regards for how I felt. We divorced after 7 years.

This is 24 years later and what I can see is that I have surrounded myself with people just like my mother......people I can never begin to think I can depend on or have a different opinion than theirs, users. I have been trying very hard to keep from getting involved in anymore one-sided relationships.

My exhusband has never stopped.....because I was unwilling to share in 3-somes like he asked of me and I would not wait for him to finish his last affair while we were marreid he has been vendictive ever since. The divorced has somehow been placed on my head and with all the lies my ex has told my daughters they have also been swayed at least to some degree.

My mom and dad are still together and my dad supports every crazy thing my mom says or does. My sister is still right by my mom's side supporting my mom and pointing fingers at me as the crazy trouble maker.

The recently death of my granfather and all that occurred during this past year inwhich my mother swayed my Gma to do things that she normally would not have done, has made me take a huge huge step back from my family. I love them but cannot be a part of the nonsense anymore.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby LifeSong » Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:00 pm

AVR1962 wrote: ... all that occurred during this past year inwhich my mother swayed my Gma to do things that she normally would not have done, has made me take a huge huge step back from my family. I love them but cannot be a part of the nonsense anymore.

Sometimes, the smartest thing that we can do is to take HUGE steps back from our family of origin.
For some of us, the HUGER the better. :lol:
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby deepdown » Sat Apr 30, 2011 3:37 am

Hey all,

Thank you so much for making this thread.

I am 18 years old and in my freshman year of college, I went to see a therapist when i started getting extremely depressed. After describing my family life to her, she determined that my mom is a narcissist.

Looking back, so many things make sense because of this diagnosis... my mom's inablity to empathize with me whatsoever, her refusal to connect with me on an emotional level unless we're talking about HER issues, her continual and deliberate sarcastic putdowns of me whenever I make an effort to take a stand, my feeling of complete unworthiness, helplessness in her presence, my inability to involve myself in outside relationships.

This therapy session only occured a few weeks ago; I'm dealing with alternating feelings of intense rage, despair, and complete and utter hopelessness. Finally i have traced the root of my continual low self esteem and my inability to express myself.

It's difficult to know what to do when I'm completely financially dependent on her and cannot stop all contact with her even if I wanted to.

Thanks again for making this blog. Interacting with people who have gone through this gives me encouragment to fight through this.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby Run » Sun May 01, 2011 8:14 am

deepdown wrote:Hey all,

Thank you so much for making this thread.

I am 18 years old and in my freshman year of college, I went to see a therapist when i started getting extremely depressed. After describing my family life to her, she determined that my mom is a narcissist.

Looking back, so many things make sense because of this diagnosis... my mom's inablity to empathize with me whatsoever, her refusal to connect with me on an emotional level unless we're talking about HER issues, her continual and deliberate sarcastic putdowns of me whenever I make an effort to take a stand, my feeling of complete unworthiness, helplessness in her presence, my inability to involve myself in outside relationships.

This therapy session only occured a few weeks ago; I'm dealing with alternating feelings of intense rage, despair, and complete and utter hopelessness. Finally i have traced the root of my continual low self esteem and my inability to express myself.

It's difficult to know what to do when I'm completely financially dependent on her and cannot stop all contact with her even if I wanted to.

Thanks again for making this blog. Interacting with people who have gone through this gives me encouragment to fight through this.


I wish you all the strength. You are so young, it will be all right on the night.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby Run » Sun May 01, 2011 8:14 am

deepdown wrote:Hey all,

Thank you so much for making this thread.

I am 18 years old and in my freshman year of college, I went to see a therapist when i started getting extremely depressed. After describing my family life to her, she determined that my mom is a narcissist.

Looking back, so many things make sense because of this diagnosis... my mom's inablity to empathize with me whatsoever, her refusal to connect with me on an emotional level unless we're talking about HER issues, her continual and deliberate sarcastic putdowns of me whenever I make an effort to take a stand, my feeling of complete unworthiness, helplessness in her presence, my inability to involve myself in outside relationships.

This therapy session only occured a few weeks ago; I'm dealing with alternating feelings of intense rage, despair, and complete and utter hopelessness. Finally i have traced the root of my continual low self esteem and my inability to express myself.

It's difficult to know what to do when I'm completely financially dependent on her and cannot stop all contact with her even if I wanted to.

Thanks again for making this blog. Interacting with people who have gone through this gives me encouragment to fight through this.


I wish you all the strength. You are so young, it will be all right on the night.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby bananaz » Sun May 01, 2011 11:44 am

It's difficult to know what to do when I'm completely financially dependent on her and cannot stop all contact with her even if I wanted to.


My mother is narcissistic, too. It's tough. You'd be surprised just how fast the therapy can help you make some good changes. And there's a lot of help on the net for adult children of narcissists, too. Just Google "ACON" and "narcissist" together.

You'll get there. She can't keep you stuck in her web forever. :wink:
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby ccc » Sat May 07, 2011 1:00 am

I stumbled upon this forum and am amazed at what I read. My mother recently went into a nursing home and will most likely not return home. I have been so angry at her for all the problems she has caused. I read through the checklist and couldn't believe how many of the traits my mother has. She was unhappy most of her life. My brother was the "golden boy" and I was the one who never seemed to measure up to her expectations. She told me once that when I turned 5, I changed; I wasn't the child that she could manipulate. My dad, who passed away ten years from Alzheimer's Disease, didn't stand up for me.
She would take her rage out on him if he defended me. She would get angry and then not to talk to "victim" until my brother, dad or me apologized to her for whatever it was that offended her.
I was surprised to read that others are "waiting till their parent dies" because that's the way I feel and it's not something one can talk about with other people. On Facebook, friends are posting all the Mother's Day crap and I just want to post "I can't stand my mother." When I was young, my emotions got me in trouble for reasons I still don't understand. I'm an adult with an adult child now, but still, my mother makes me feel guilty. She doesn't take responsibility for her actions and it's never, ever her fault. I feel jealous of friends' relationships with their mothers. I didn't have the courage to run as fast as I could away from her because both my parents made me feel guilty. I want to escape from these feelings of insecurity
and guilt and I don't plan on forgiving her for the injuries she caused for so many family members and other people.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby Run » Sat May 07, 2011 8:30 am

ccc wrote:I stumbled upon this forum and am amazed at what I read. My mother recently went into a nursing home and will most likely not return home. I have been so angry at her for all the problems she has caused. I read through the checklist and couldn't believe how many of the traits my mother has. She was unhappy most of her life. My brother was the "golden boy" and I was the one who never seemed to measure up to her expectations. She told me once that when I turned 5, I changed; I wasn't the child that she could manipulate. My dad, who passed away ten years from Alzheimer's Disease, didn't stand up for me.
She would take her rage out on him if he defended me. She would get angry and then not to talk to "victim" until my brother, dad or me apologized to her for whatever it was that offended her.
I was surprised to read that others are "waiting till their parent dies" because that's the way I feel and it's not something one can talk about with other people. On Facebook, friends are posting all the Mother's Day crap and I just want to post "I can't stand my mother." When I was young, my emotions got me in trouble for reasons I still don't understand. I'm an adult with an adult child now, but still, my mother makes me feel guilty. She doesn't take responsibility for her actions and it's never, ever her fault. I feel jealous of friends' relationships with their mothers. I didn't have the courage to run as fast as I could away from her because both my parents made me feel guilty. I want to escape from these feelings of insecurity
and guilt and I don't plan on forgiving her for the injuries she caused for so many family members and other people.


Hello, I feel sorry for you. Maybe this forum can help you. You have to do something with that guilty feeling. You deserve better.
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Re: Adult Children of Narcissists

Postby jh8819 » Mon May 09, 2011 3:02 pm

I have just relized that my mother too had NPD. I mean just the past weekend. She was very cold and distant. I had the roof over my head clothes on my back, and food to eat, but no one to turn to with my feelings. There is one time I remember like it happened this morning, my dad dropped my off after my weekend with him, I started to cry when he left because I knew it was going to be awhile till I saw him again, I went to lay on my mother for comfort and put my arms around her, she didnt say one thing she had that look on her face she always got just a gaze no emotion and pushed me off. When she did that I got off and said "I love you", she of course didnt reply she just sat there and watched tv. Never even looking at me once. It was like that with her every other day. I was lucky enough to move into my dads house when I was 13 due to the fact my mother said I was dead to her over my summer vacation with my dad. I havent seen her since and Im almost 23 now. Often wonder out of the two my alcoholic dad or my cold and distant mother which one was better. This past friday my girlfriend and I was at a book store, and she handed me a book called "Will I ever be good enough" I have learned more from that book in the past 3 days, than I have in the 23 years of my life. I am so glad that I got away from her when I did, and I didnt have to deal with her through my highschool years. I already have insecurity issues in my relationship with people, there is no telling how bad it could have been. The hardest thing for me though is I think about my mom all the time, I have found her more than once but never made contact. But when I do think about her I dont feel anything its just me thinking about her, I miss her to a point but there is no anger, sadness, or hate, I have those feelings just not towards her. It almost like I'm empty when thinking about her. Im just glad that I got away even though not into a much better situation, but there was at least love. I have problems now that im trying to work through but i cant imagine 5 more years with her till i turned 18.
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