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Partial NPD? not interested in sex?

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Partial NPD? not interested in sex?

Postby mumu » Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:50 am

Have husband with 100% NPD father. My husband has not got NPD, except when it comes to sex.
He is 'cerebral'- is disinterested completley in sex, although very interested in porn. He suffers from some performance issue yet when I bring up our poor sex life he quickly becomes angry, and reacts with cruel, harsh criticism of me-ie it;s my fault he can't perform, he has normal libido but it's my personality turns him off, i don;t dress well enough etc

other than this he is not narcassistic in the slightest.
eg he encourages me to go out, have friends, he get along with people, is loving and generally a great guy. He tells me I am sexy etc and is very physical-contantly cuddly. He will have sex if I suggest it, but it's more like a chore than a pleasure for him

Is he narcisstic, or just got performance issues and a normal male fragile ego?

Should I leave? Is he narcissistic enough to make it hopeless?
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Postby shivers » Mon Jun 30, 2008 1:10 am

HI mumu, there's not really enough information in your post to be helpful.

It appears to be full of contradictions which indicates to me that you are unclear as to what he's about. You say he's angry and abusive towards you over the sex topic, but then you say that appears to be ok, as it's his only fault. Well, sex is actually a big issue in a relationship, and if you're not compatible in that area, then problems in other areas may stem from it.

You say he 'encourages you to go out', well, not encouraging you to go out has nothing to do with NPD anyway, it's not a factor in your question. Yes, some guys who would be classed as NPD can be controlling of their partner's outings, but this is not always the case.

You could look at it this way. If he's unable to negotiate or talk reasonably about the sex issue then what other issues does he not let you talk to him about on a serious level? Seeing as you consider him to be an overall 'loving' guy, it could be that you've not really had the need to challenge him on other issues other than sex. Have you challenged his need for porn, as an example, does he get angry over that? Another thing to think about, is if you are interpreting his loving, cuddly and loving ways as actually being controlling ways. For instance, if you are out say in a party, is he there hovering, with his arm over your shoulder, or making sure you're not really left alone when speaking with any other guy. You may be surprised to learn that this is not actually loving and trusting behaviour, but a control issue. Give it some thought, and if you feel the need to re-post with more info, then you may get some more suggestions.

Cheers
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Postby mumu » Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:48 am

Thanks for help
no at a party he is happy for me to speak to who ever, and is possibly less affectionate in public.
He is generally a difficult person to challange on anything as he automatically becomes defensive (he says he was over criticised as a child by his father) so yes it does extend to all arguements in general. However usually we can sort things out-eg money problems
For example say I get annoyed because he is overdue paying one of his bills- he will become difficult (like with the sex issue-nasty, immediately critical of me about anything he can think of) I then come back several hour later, he changes his behaviour (and will improve with his bill paying) so issues are resolved.
Sex issues can't be resolved-he tries, to improve things but I always know he could take it or leave it.
I just thought narcossist were either over or under interested in sex and I wondered if anyone had more info on the under interested sex type?
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Postby shivers » Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:31 am

well, I do, seeing as my diagnosed NPD ex-partner was one. But there's not much to say about them that is not already available. the difference between the 2 narcs is that one will idolise his body, eg: marathon runners, weight lifters, aerobic freaks and gym junkies etc., and those that think they have higher intelligence and attempt to bamboozle you with big complicated words and fluffy grammar. The thing is they're unlikely to have an affair. They can abuse the hell out of you, that's ok, but their value is to never be unfaithful, as opposed to the somatic narc who has affairs all the time.
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Postby greenfig » Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:52 pm

Today on my bike ride to work I was contemplating life in general. Yep, ideas about narcissism entered my train of thoughts...I was trying to summarize in my head what I have gathered being on this forum and from my own experiences with the narc.

Some common traits of narcs discussed on this forum:

- Low or very high libido, over- faithful or a out of control cheater. Preoccupation or complete neglect of the physical body. Both means used as a form of control and to confuse. Sex is mastrubatory and robot like. Sex is not enjoyed as a shared experience with the partner but rather as a reward or leverage.

- Extremely controlling behavior, which might come out in different forms. Social jealousy is not always the case. It might be disguised as them "worrying about you". This includes subtle alienation of the partners family and friends, but in public putting up a great guy face.
This could take forms in a way that may seem very benign and almost endearing from the outside, but in reality extremely controlling.

- Abusive, incestuous, neglectful, controlling or inappropropriate relationship with biological family, history of romantic relationships where the narc's partner was completely blamed for everything, history of burning bridges and discarding their previous life and personality in order to gain new narcissistic supply.

- Excell in their professional field or a specific interest. High need in involvement in circles where these qualities are admired. They feel good being around people who admire and adore and rarely challenge, people who are in less powerful position than they are (teacher-student). They are hostile to and instantly reject people that have solid boundaries and who would not be intimidated to challenge them. They love role-models as long as they are not too close for comfort. Their love for role models turns into hate as soon as they get too close to them. They idolize and discard without remorse, feeling completely justified.

- Frequent problems with substance abuse and OCD and other issues.
In deep denial about their substance abuse, since they claim to be smarter than average, they have complete control over it. They are "not a stupid average Joe" when it comes to addiction

- Cannot function properly without constant narcissistic supply. The NS can come from a wide range of sources, including pets.

- People around them perceive them quirky and a bit cutting, but they will not believe the extent of their pathology when they find out how they are in private.
I would love to hear if anyone had more to add!
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Postby shivers » Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:52 am

:lol: I think you've done an excellent job there, greenfig. :lol: bike riding agrees with you.... :lol:
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Postby greenfig » Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:54 pm

Thanks, shivers! :D Bike riding is truly awesome for my mental well being; it allows me to access this flow of thoughts. Maybe it's the flow of the motion that releases the emotions and thoughts...definitely a great transition between work and home.
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