Our partner




Keeping in touch with ex narc

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: narcbolan, masquerade, VirginiaEsquire

Keeping in touch with ex narc

Postby skippers » Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:18 pm

Do you keep in touch with your ex Narc? Is there any benefit keeping in touch?

Should I keep in touch with my ex Narc 10 months after the horrible ending to our relationship? Otherwise I feel as though what was my best friend has died. I think I feel strong enough to not want to get back with her now, although I do really miss her and there is the risk that feelings could come flooding back.
I'm not even sure if she deserves my friendship after the deceit and so many lies. Part of me feels as though I need to see her again sometime so she can see that I've moved on and looking fit and healthy from the gym and successful at work, and she'll see what she threw away. Maybe this will be some kind of closure for me which I never got 10 months ago.
skippers
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:24 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Keeping in touch with ex narc

Postby Nanday » Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:36 am

skippers wrote:Do you keep in touch with your ex Narc? Is there any benefit keeping in touch?

Should I keep in touch with my ex Narc 10 months after the horrible ending to our relationship? Otherwise I feel as though what was my best friend has died. I think I feel strong enough to not want to get back with her now, although I do really miss her and there is the risk that feelings could come flooding back.
I'm not even sure if she deserves my friendship after the deceit and so many lies. Part of me feels as though I need to see her again sometime so she can see that I've moved on and looking fit and healthy from the gym and successful at work, and she'll see what she threw away. Maybe this will be some kind of closure for me which I never got 10 months ago.


I think you've answered your own question when you said there is the risk that feelings could come flooding back. Are you really ready to see her again?

My ex and I have children, so there will always be an unbroken thread, however tenuous. Your post made me sad because it reminded me of where I was a year ago - I too thought that if he saw me looking fit, healthy, attractive... he would have regrets. Narcs don't have regrets. They might try to make you supply again, but they don't feel regret for their actions because they don't think they did anything wrong. In her mind, you were the one who wronged her and she is the perennial victim in life.

A friend recently spent Christmas with her ex after 3 years - big family get-together with their children, etc. Before that time, she was going through a phase where he was looking good to her and she wondered if they could work it out and start again. Spending a couple of weeks with him made her realise that nothing had really changed between them. They fell into the same patterns of behaviour, and she was still hurt by the same things that had destroyed their relationship over many years.

She came back "cured" of him so it worked for her. But then, he wasn't a narc.

I think you need to be very clear on your motives if you contact your ex - you won't get back the friendship you once had, you won't get any regrets or expressions of "sorry" from her, but you might get enough closure to move on and find someone who values you as you deserve.
Nanday
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 10:11 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby SoSal » Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:14 am

"Is there any benefit keeping in touch?"

The only "benefit" of this would more suffering for you and the possibility of once again becoming involved with her, which means even more suffering.

"I feel as though what was my best friend has died."

She was never your friend though. A Narc isn't anybody's friend. What has died is the illusion of friendship and love she created in order to keep you attached to her so that you would keep providing NS. It hurts, but don't make the mistake of thinking she could ever be your friend.


"I think I feel strong enough to not want to get back with her now, although I do really miss her and there is the risk that feelings could come flooding back. "

We're never as strong as we feel. And the closer you come to her the more power she has over you. Spending time with her is like playing with fire: you're going to get burned.

"I'm not even sure if she deserves my friendship after the deceit and so many lies."

She doesn't. And had she been a real friend to you, would she have deceived you? Let's reserve our friendship for those who can be friends to us in return.

"Part of me feels as though I need to see her again sometime so she can see that I've moved on and looking fit and healthy from the gym and successful at work, and she'll see what she threw away."

Don't worry about what she thinks. Think about yourself. You'll never make her regret what she has done. To the Narc every source of NS is interchangeable. You're not a person to her; in her mind you just provide a service which countless others can provide equally well.

"Maybe this will be some kind of closure for me which I never got 10 months ago."

There's no closure with a Narc. The closest you're going to get to closure is cutting all ties and keeping them cut.


If you've made it ten months without contact so far, you're doing great. Keep up the good work! Don't lose heart. If you get nostalgic and start missing things that seemed good, stop and remind yourself of incidents of deceit and abuse. Keep things in perspective.
SoSal
Consumer 4
Consumer 4
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 10:16 am
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby Dan » Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:20 am

You will never have closure. Your able to feel Empathy and will always have a soft spot for her. It's best to walk away and heal yourself. She moved on to greener supply.
and how was your day?
User avatar
Dan
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 498
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2006 3:10 am
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 1:56 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Keeping in touch with ex narc

Postby digital.noface » Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:10 pm

skippers wrote:Is there any benefit keeping in touch?
Plenty, if you have a masochistic streak. Incidentally, like many of the 'victims' here, I detect one such trait in you. So, 'yes', get back in touch with your NPD and you will get what you are looking for.
...
User avatar
digital.noface
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1578
Joined: Sat Jun 24, 2006 11:58 am
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:56 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby skippers » Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:05 pm

Thanks for all the tips folks. These are the kind of tips I need to push me in the right direction and away from my ex. As far as cutting all ties I will stay in contact with her brother, this might be difficult but he's a great bloke and has a large circle of friends. Why should I loose his friendship because of her actions?

As far as being a masochist, well I may be one but I hope not, and I do need to learn to focus my mind on other things other than my ex who did cause me a lot of pain.
skippers
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:24 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Starnge phone call

Postby skippers » Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:11 am

Oh my Lord!
I just had the strangest phone call at midnight from my narc ex. With me being in the UK she was calling from Las Vegas. After not being in touch for 10 months she called me because she had flown over there for a work conference and taken the suitcase we had bought in China with her. Only she had forgotten the code for the suitcase and had to call me to see if I knew the code. I have no idea what the code was so the phone call ended with an hour to go until her conference which she will probably have to go to wearing her clothes from the day unless she cuts the case open!

Anyway, I stuck to the subject and that was it, so I felt pretty strong. I do feel a bit strange after that though.
skippers
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:24 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby shivers » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:16 am

:lol: :lol: I'm not surprised you feel strange. :lol: :lol: what an odd phone call. There probably isn't even a logical explanation as to why you'd remember the code on her suitcase either.
shivers
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2524
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2007 2:13 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby shivers » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:18 am

Talking of odd phone calls, I got one too.

Ex-N rang to ask, "How do you clean lemonade spilt off the (tiled) floor?"

So after I'd finished laughing my head off, I explained plain water would leave a sticky residue, use some cleaner! Like d'uh! Figure it out for yourself Einstein... :lol: :lol:
shivers
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2524
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2007 2:13 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby Nanday » Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:04 am

shivers wrote:Talking of odd phone calls, I got one too.


I've had a few of those - the Business God rang up at the ninth hour before filing of income tax was due, said he remembered I had structured my finances a certain way and basically wanted a five minute rundown so he could do the same! He was at the meeting with the accountants where they went over financial strategies and clearly didn't listen. After I finished laughing, I told him to call his own accountant and sort it out as his income tax had nothing to do with me.

I think these type of phone calls are to be expected, even predicted for some time after a break-up with a narc. After all, we were the supply and as such expected to look after all the details they chose not to.

I don't give him any supply anymore, none. I see these questions as a potential entry point to fish for supply. Maybe I'm paranoid, but that's just my personal view.
Nanday
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 434
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2007 10:11 pm
Local time: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: BlueFlower, Bovary and 110 guests