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Advice please: How do I handle this situation?

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Advice please: How do I handle this situation?

Postby Sipa » Wed Dec 26, 2007 3:25 am

Hi all,

I'm new around here. I found this board after a recent episode with my husband made me realize there is something very wrong with him. I'll skip the long boring "these are the symptoms" list. After reading up on a variety of personality disorders, this one fits exactly. He exhibits all the symptoms.

Now I need help. I'm scared and the episode I referred to is the reason why:

We went out to dinner and drinks last weekend. I got a text message and checked it. That set him off. He got extremely angry. We started arguing in the restaurant, and yes, I argued back. All of his stories and BS have been getting on my nerves, and even as easygoing as I usually am, sometimes I have enough too.

We drive home (I do - he's drunk,) and he is literally in my face yelling at me, calling me pretty nasty names (c***, m*****f*****.) We get home, he throws his jacket in my face. I go to the closet to take off my coat, he comes after me and shoves me into the closet. Walk past him, he throws his wallet at my face then shoves me into the front door. I reach for my shoes, he rips them out of my hand and pushes me onto the chair. I start to get up, he stands in front of me and says, "where do you think you're going?!"

He snapped. Completely. So I just sat down and he proceeded to talk for the next 2 hours. I didn't say one word the whole time. He keeps repeating himself, makes no sense, talks about things that are complete fabrication. I'm crying by this point. Scared to death. Quite literally. He asks me why I'm upset, I have no reason to be upset, he does!

Eventually he says, "only YOU can fix this. All I want is affection, that we have sex every day, and that you cook for me. Can you do this? And I want the answer RIGHT NOW!" I told him that I couldn't give him an answer, I was too upset, please let's talk about it in the morning.

He gives in and eventually goes to bed.

I sleep in another room. At 2:30 AM I wake up and see him standing over me, just looking at me. I was scared out of my mind. Thought he'd drag me out of bed. He didn't (though in the morning he said that he thought about waking me up.) It took me 3 hours to go back to sleep.

In the morning, he came into the room and said, "Well, since you slept in here, I assume your answer is no." *sigh* After a fairly calm talk, "we" (he) decided that we should take a break. Still live together as anything else is currently not financially feasible but he'd be able to do as he pleases (going out drinking, hooking up basically.) Fine with me. I need a few months to get my affairs in order so that I can leave.

That night he drinks again, at home this time. We watch a movie and he pulls me over and says that he's sorry, he doesn't need anyone else. He wants to sleep with me. :shock: I'm deadtired having only slept a few hours the previous night. I told him I couldn't tonight, I was so so tired but let him hug me in bed and go to sleep that way.


So what do I do now? I'm scared. I've never seen a person completely lose it and there's no doubt in my mind that had I resisted at some point, he would have beaten me, and I"m not sure he would have stopped. After reading about the disorder, I understand things a bit better and know how to avoid saying things that set him off.


But will I have enough control? Will I be able to keep him from going off? Is it possible that it will happen again even without me saying things that set him off?

If this "rage" can come on without provocation, then I will need to get out asap. I truly believe I might be in real danger if he loses control like that again. It will be an extremely difficult situation involving moving to a different continent and completely giving up a life I have built here for over a decade. Not desirable, to say the least. Of course, this situation isn't either, but I've dealt with it for the past 14 years, I can hang on for a few more months - UNLESS he's becoming a danger.

Any input is much appreciated. Thank you!!!!!
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Postby Nanday » Wed Dec 26, 2007 5:20 am

There are a few issues that might be making you uncertain what to do - such as if this is the first time he has been abusive, or if you have children, or if you are financially bound to him in some way.

I can tell you from my personal experience that I should have left my ex 30 years ago, the first time he kicked me because he didn't like a comment I made. This was followed by abuse in the form of pushing me into furniture, raising his fist, throwing things. He thought and still thinks that if he didn't hit me with his fist, it wasn't abuse.

He damaged our sons emotionally and my physical health had begun to deteriorate. I too thought I could find a way to cope and control his rages. I couldn't. You probably can't. If he is NPD they will continue and get worse as he gets older. If you have children together you will endure the pain of seeing them damaged by having him as a parent.

There is never an excuse for physical abuse. Even if he stops the physical, he will replace it with verbal. Mine did. Begin to plan your exit. Read lots of posts on this forum as there is some excellent advice. Get professional counselling for yourself to help you prepare to leave but don't demand he go because if he is NPD, he will manipulate to make everyone (perhaps even the counsellor) believe you are crazy and he has done nothing wrong. NPDs are charming and manipulative and masters at re-writing history.
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Postby Berries » Wed Dec 26, 2007 5:41 am

Sipa, I'm sorry to hear about this situation.

You've been with your husband long enough that I expect what feels normal to you has shifted to a place that many people wouldn't agree is normal. If my husband did to me the things you've described, I would have called the police (being shoved into the closet and into the front door would certainly be enough to have a man brought up on charges). Since I don't have an ocean to cross, I also would have put my son in my car and driven right across four states to my mother's house, never to return. But only after involving the police. Other options, where I live, would be a friend's house or a women's shelter.

You shouldn't have to question whether it's going to get any worse and whether you're in any danger. There is a serious problem here. There's nothing to keep it from getting worse, and you obviously are in danger. You have described abuse. Physical and psychological abuse. I don't know where you're located, or I would try to give you more specific information--laws that pertain to your husband's abuse of you, options for leaving, etc.
Last edited by Berries on Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sipa » Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:26 am

Thanks for the quick responses.

I have decided to leave. Several weeks ago, before this last incident. I met him when I was very young (and easily manipulated and controlled) and for some reason in the past few weeks I've finally become to realize just how horrible this relationship has been for me. I'm 34 now. I've wasted a good part of my life on this and it is not going to continue.

Part of what's making it difficult to leave is that he's been so good at controlling me, that I'm in the same line of work as he is and worse: I work with him. It's also not something I can do on my own the way the situation is set up. On top of that, the constant stress has finally taken its toll, and I've become sick: inner ear disorder, anxiety/panic attacks. I've barely been able to work all year.

So I need a new job (difficult when your health is down the drain!) and I have something in the works. It will take several months before I will be able to move, however.

A child is involved making things trickier. Realistically leaving immediately means going back to my family, which is fine, except that they're in Europe. I think I could handle moving back even though it means giving up my life here, but it's definitely made harder by the fact that there's a daughter (teenage) involved. She does NOT want to move.

So I'm stuck trying to decide if I can stay a few more months until I can make it on my own here or pack up and move out of the US now. It's a difficult decision. I've been torn back and forth since that night.


To answer your other question: This is the first time he's touched me.


My neurologist referred me to a psychiatrist because of my anxiety issues. That appointment is unfortunately for 2 weeks. I know he won't go to counseling in any way. I suggested marriage counseling once, and he said it wouldn't do any good because the counselor would just take my side. :roll:


But it really doesn't matter. I'm done with this. I have no intention of trying to fix him.


Berries -

I thought about calling the police. At the time he snapped, when I was the most scared, it would've done no good as I would've never made it to the phone. Afterwards I could have but started considering my options. Calling the police then was basically the equivalent of making the decision to pack up and move back home now.

We are NOT legally married, nor is the child biologically his, so there are few problems in that regard at least. I'm glad I never gave in and agreed to marriage. :) (And I'm in SoCal.)


So, yes, I need to leave. I thought I had time but now I'm not so sure. He's never been violent towards me and it changes things quite a bit, especially since he was completely out of control. There was not one shred of sanity left.

sigh :(
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Postby shivers » Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:28 am

Hi Sipa,

Your post belongs more in the domestic abuse forum more than here, as not all NPD's can get as violent as yours has.

Berries is right, there is NOTHING to stop this man from getting worse, and he will get worse. There is nothing you can do that can change that either.

You really need to seek some support and counselling from someone who deals specifically with domestic violence, they will give you the strategies, confidence and resources to see him for what he is.

The fact that you've posted on the NPD forum means that you may be looking for avenues to pinpoint his behaviour, but do not let a personality disorder give you an excuse for his behaviour. He is an angry, controlling man.

If you are into reading I suggest Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft for some excellent reference material. YOu'll find that your man is not as unique as he thinks he is. He's a batterer, end of story, they are as common as muck and they all have common denominators in how they think and act. With some reading you could have him totally sussed out and you will be able to evaluate whether he may be material that could change in time, but this is a long shot and may not happen.

You need to start planning your escape, start now. If he does change, then you've still not lost anything, but don't pin any hopes on him changing as it's unlikely to happen.

Take it from someone who's just escaped from the clutches of a malignant NPD, more aptly described as a domestic abuser or angry and controlling man, escape really is your only option for a happy life.

Take care and let us know how you go.
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Postby shivers » Wed Dec 26, 2007 6:31 am

I see you've posted again as I typed my response.

Do not go to marriage counselling with him, it could make it worse. Don't even attempt it. You cannot counsel a person who does not understand the concept of mutuality in a relationship. He's a controller and one capable of violence.

Take care, the move to Europe sounds fantastic. Take your daughter too. Eventually, as she matures she may thank you.
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Re: Advice please: How do I handle this situation?

Postby Nanday » Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:00 am

Sipa wrote:After a fairly calm talk, "we" (he) decided that we should take a break.


I re-read your post and this stood out as something important. Has it occurred to you that he might have decided you not been good enough NS, and that he has someone lined up to replace you? He might even has provoked the entire episode to try to get you to leave (NPD's will take the "victim" stance every time. If you leave him he gets to be the victim and he will be able to move quickly to replace you.)

I also meant to tell you to collect all the information you can, passports, mortgages, any legal documents you might need, financial documents, bank account information. Secure it somewhere safe away from him and don't let him find out you are doing it.

Be strong and keep safe.
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Postby Sipa » Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:32 am

Shivers:

I posted this here because I needed to gain some understanding in what is going on in his head so that I know how to react. he's not a plain ol' abuser. He's nuts. There's something very wrong with him. So far it's just been confined to his stories that make everyone who knows him well go, "wtf?!," and the very strange and, yes, manipulative behavior.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't believe it's ok for him to abuse me, emotionally or physically.. and especially not physically. This has been the first time he's touched me, and the manner in which it happened was bizarre. He snapped. Completely.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him or fix him. I'm not planning on staying with him.


I've already gained quite a bit of understanding since I started reading about the disorder and realize that the things I said to him leading up to him snapping were precisely the worst things to say to someone with NPD.

I saw some mention of "narcissistic rage." This might have been what happened. Very likely, if there is such a thing. Is this something that can occur unprovoked?

Has it occurred to you that he might have decided you not been good enough NS, and that he has someone lined up to replace you? He might even has provoked the entire episode to try to get you to leave (NPD's will take the "victim" stance every time. If you leave him he gets to be the victim and he will be able to move quickly to replace you.)


He NEEDS women to want him. Hell, he's 49, and at 5'9, 210 lbs (lost weight since then but still...) he thought he looked good in tight white tank tops ('wife beaters.') He thinks every woman who even looks in his direction WANTS him and is checking him out. So yes, I'm sure he thinks he can get any woman he wants, and he might even be (partially) right. He's very charming around strangers.

On the other hand, no, I do not believe that he wants me to leave. He wants to be able to do as he wants (get his self-esteem fix with random women) but keep me around. Hence the break. It would be easier if he wanted me to leave...

I wonder if it would be better if it would somehow be his idea to break this off? A mutual friend of ours thinks if I leave him, he'll be knocking on my door and harass me for months.


shivers: advice taken. Won't even attempt marriage counseling. Just focus on getting out - and being safe until then.

(I'm getting my things together whenever he leaves the house; already have the passports etc gathered up. Unfortunately I didn't ever expect that it would escalate like this so quickly or I would have been more diligent putting away monetary reserves. Hindsight is 20/20...)
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Postby Berries » Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:41 am

Edited to add that Sipa posted while I was writing this. Please ignore anything that was already addressed ...

Sipa, is it telling that I initially wondered whether you were living in a second- or third-world country without laws to protect women from battery?

If I were you, short of calling the police, I would contact someone/some organization in SoCal that deals with with domestic violence. Being specialists, they might have some knowledge and ideas that we in this forum lack.

Have you spoken with your family about what occurred and about your fears? Does your daughter know? (I'm assuming she wasn't home when this happened.) Is she safe?

Since you've indicated that you plan to stay in the same household as your partner temporarily but aren't feeling safe, maybe you could put into place a plan for what you will do if--let's impart urgency here and just say "when"--he abuses you again. Possibly someone who regularly helps with domestic violence situations could assist with this.

I'm glad that looking into NPD has helped you to contextualize your partner's behavior and might give you some tools for dealing with him until you can leave. But in terms of taking next steps, I agree with Shivers that focusing on the abuse issue is most important.

And as Nanday pointed out, he may have something in the works. Can you trust that he means it when he says he wants to remain in the same household with you as a noncouple? And regardless of whether he means it, in my experience, when a relationship ends, even in the best cases (like with couples that are on a good footing in many ways and will remain friendly), staying in the same home does not work. This sounds to me like a recipe for even bigger problems. It almost sounds like you are going to be held captive in this household with a man who can do whatever he pleases.

All of these questions are semi-rhetorical. I really think you should contact someone who assists with domestic violence problems. :!:
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Postby Sipa » Wed Dec 26, 2007 8:01 am

I haven't been able to speak to my family yet as they're traveling. (Great time for this to happen, right!) I should be able to talk to my mom tomorrow.

My daughter is safe, yes.

I have offers from several friends that we can crash at their places if it becomes necessary. Not a long-term solution obviously as I wouldn't impose on anyone's generosity for as long as I'd need to be able to support myself.

I haven't checked into orgs specializing in abuse. I'll check around tomorrow.

And as Nanday pointed out, he may have something in the works. Can you trust that he means it when he says he wants to remain in the same household with you as a noncouple?


Yes.

It almost sounds like you are going to be held captive in this household with a man who can do whatever he pleases.


And that's the reason why.

He wants to continue to control me, have me available when he needs it (he calls me 20 times a day, not exaggerating) while able to go out and get the attention he so desperately needs.


I agreed to this "break" because it served MY purposes. It would give me the time I need to prepare. But now he seems to want to patch things up so I'm not sure anymore. If that's the case, the situation is more likely to become explosive again.


Point taken though. I will check around tomorrow and see what I can find in terms of help. It's difficult as he's almost always around, especially this time of year.... (great timing again.)
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