Journal entry #1

I haven't been on this forum in quite some time, but lately I've been writing down some thoughts in a journal, and really wanted to share them with someone. I was going to talk about them with my therapist, but she is out of town this week, and due to various technicalities, I haven't been able to see her for the past few weeks. I'm also in a pretty lonely stage of my life, as I'm back in my hometown. Whilst here, I have been trying to dedicate everything that I do towards accomplishing goals and making myself a better person, so much so to the point that I've isolated myself from others, as going out tends to be a massive distraction for me. And, I'm sad to say that I don't really like the people I know up here, and have had too many falling outs with some really close friends over the years. So...anyway, this is my first Journal entry. Hopefully I'll post more, depending on the responses.

Thanks.

My Emotions

I've come to realize that my emotions are the most important thing in the world, and I'm terribly fearful that I'm going to lose them. After every breakup I've had, I became overwhelmed with feelings of love for these girls that I couldn't feel while I was with them. One could argue that these feeling were spawned from a fantasy retrospective of the relationship, but I think that the reality of the matter is that I'm too critical and too narcissistic to realize how much I appreciate those girls when I'm with them; and I think I may have abandonment issues that affect my ability to accept my feelings in situations where I could be abandoned. I fully believe that the feelings I experience after a breakup are feelings of true love. They are the greatest and the strongest feelings I've ever felt. They balance my entire perspective on who I am, how I really feel about things, and what I really want in life. After a breakup, I understand what love is. I understand why it is considered the greatest thing in life, and I understand why it inspires art. I couldn't imagine anything better than feeling these feelings for a girl that I am with, but I fear I'll only be able to feel them once she is out of my reach.

I'm scared to get over my ex-girlfriend because I don't want to forget these feelings, but even as I write this, I fear I already am. I feel like I'd rather have a broken heart, long for a girl that I can not have, and experience the pain of being alone, than to go back to feeling nothing. Emotions, whether good or bad, make me human, when I feel them, I know much better who I really am.

The reason I haven't properly developed into an emotionally healthy person is because of my parents; thus, I feel I need to begin exploring and understanding my relationship with my mom and my dad, and begin figuring out how I truly feel about them and everything they encompass to me.

Good work, man. Glad to see you back on the forum. I can relate to loving a girl more after the possibility is gone. Again, Strong work brother.