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How to get rid of a Narcissist?

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How to get rid of a Narcissist?

Postby CantGetFree » Wed Dec 05, 2007 7:39 pm

My mother in law is a big time narcissist. Her goal in life seems to be getting rid of me so she can get back her narcissistic supply (my husband).

It took me a couple of years to figure out exactly what was wrong with her. For awhile I thought maybe she had Borderline Personality Disorder, but then I realized it was definitely NPD. I think she also believes that *something* is wrong with her. She has lots of self help books, and goes to AA. She'll see a psychologist for a couple weeks but once they tell her what she doesn't want to hear, she'll get a new one.

The only thing I can do is just avoid her. I haven't spoken to her, nor seen her for half a year. My husband still sees her. I wish he wouldn't because he comes home to me with all these ideas in his head that she's given him. She is very manipulative and devious. How do I get my husband to realize the truth about her? He keeps saying that he just needs for her to do something *really bad* for him to feel guilt free about cutting the ties with her. But after she does something terrible, he just excuses it or minimizes it.
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Postby femfree » Wed Dec 05, 2007 7:47 pm

Are you sure it's her you want to get rid of and not the husband?

He sounds as crazy as she does. He is still seeing her and obviously involved in some kind of follies a deux situation, buying into her stories and coming home to you to involve you.

Get off this runaway madness express. They're both crazy and loving it.

There are many stories of how the mentally disordered hook up, hang out and go round and round for a lifetime, despite all common sense.

Often called shared psychosis, the follies a deux, danse macabre.

You're being used as a pin in the wheel of their mutual madness.
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Postby CantGetFree » Wed Dec 05, 2007 7:57 pm

femfree wrote:Are you sure it's her you want to get rid of and not the husband?


Thanks for replying. In every other way I love my husband a lot, and luckily he's only seeing her about once a month. He's made a lot of changes since we first got married and does seem to be making *some* improvement. I do at times wonder if I'm not better without him, but right now I'm committed to staying married for the time being.

Sometimes his mom makes me mad and I feel like, "two can play at this game b!tch", but I know that anything I do will give her satisfaction. My husband says to me, "what do you want me to do? Do you want me to just cut her off????" I feel like I don't have the right to tell him that, I want him to make the decision for himself. I just wish there was something more I could do.
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Postby CantGetFree » Wed Dec 05, 2007 9:29 pm

Jo A'ine wrote:Being in AA doesn't make you have recovery, just like being in the PTA doesn't make you a parent. lol


I agree. If anything AA has made her worse, it's another thing for her to be a martyr about, and another way to get attention for her. Worse yet, she's become very religious since joining AA and now she has some sort of supernatural relationship with God. All these things are supply for her now.

Part of the problem is that my father in law is a big time enabler and has taught his children to just ignore the things she does and to leave it all alone. I think that's the problem with my husband. No one wants to make this woman responsible for her actions. I'd love to call her up and scream at her for all she's done to me, but that would just make her day! She could live off of that for years. So I continue to ignore her and have no contact with her.
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Postby SenseAtLast » Thu Dec 06, 2007 12:48 am

From your post, the nub of the problem is that once a month your otherwise normal, loving husband comes home with some nutty ideas.

Is it all that bad?
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Postby Berries » Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:04 am

If the mother-in-law is N and the husband is N supply, I'm going to guess that the spectre of this dynamic permeates the whole marriage. :(
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Postby shivers » Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:00 am

Trying to separate a son from his mother is a road to nowhere, even in healthy families, with a parent who's NPD he'll have suffered all manner of guilt and shaming comments from her that will have had a lasting effect on him and keep him emotionally tied to her through guilt-ridden feelings, so you are stepping on dangerous grounds in trying to come between them.

I'm not saying you are wrong, but I think you need to tip-toe lightly. From your post I suggest the measures you've put in place to distance yourself from her are about the best you're going to get.

You've already experienced him trying to please you with promises of detaching from her with the 'really bad' comments, but find that he changes the goal posts when she does do something 'really bad' and minimises it. This is the cycle him and her are in and if you persist on trying to get him to see her the way you do, you run the risk of ending up being the 'bad' guy, or worse, you being labelled the 'crazy' one.

Good luck, you'll need it... :wink:
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