Anyone else?

Recently I've realized that I am either a narcissistic personality (covert) or an antisocial personality.
Bare with me cause this is going to be really unorganized.

Symptoms :
Lack of empathy
Lack of emotions (I feel fake when I express anything)
Irritable
(?) dissociation ( I will go more into detail)
Lack of conscience
Lack of sincere personality (I don't really know who I am)
Lack of self control
Apathetic
Dramatic
Manipulative
Attention seeking
Incapable of intimacy (maybe due to dissociation)
Selfish
Fluctuating mood
Binge eating

Lack of empathy:
I don't feel for anyone really. After realizing this I was shocked because I didn't know people actually Cared or felt bad I just thought it was socially acceptable to show concern or feel sad for others. After realizing this I sometimes try really hard and the best I can get is feeling bad for them because I have to try super hard to imagine that they are a WHOLE HUMAN BEING WITH THEIR OWN LIFE. And for a split second I'm like wow that really sucks. (But no it doesn't come naturally)


Lack of emotions: I just feel like unless I'm angry or sad there's not much emotion there. I feel like I'm on autopilot and being extremely fake in my life. Like if I truly act how I feel I'd come off as rude or weird but in reality I'm not excited and I'm not sad and I'm not happy and I don't miss you and I don't care etc.

Irritable: pretty much everyone is ######6 annoying. Children piss me off. If I'm trying to do something or read something and someone Is talking to me I get pissed off. If someone asks me the same question twice I get pissed off. It's like I'm on edge and I want to literally punch everyone who comes near me in their face. And it's as if I expect them to know It's like these random moods of "everyone shut the ###$ up and stay the ###$ away" and it annoys me when people ask what's wrong and show concern for me when Im Angry
Cause like honestly sometimes it feels like I want to stay angry. And after realizing I'm a possible narc I cry for how I yelled. (It's not guilt just a hopeless I'll never be normal feeling and the tears last for like a second) I feel weird cause I want to go back and act like nothing happened but I can't because I just acted selfishly and hated them all so much and they still think I am a kind good person it's just weird. They have no idea how annoying and repulsive I found them a second ago. It's like when I'm angry I have no self control and no desire to come out of it. It's hard for me to and if I do I think I might cry like a little baby. I wouldn't know what to do (but that's just my guess)


Dissociation: this is a BIG ONE. Cause I'm scared I'm just making this up or I'm misunderstanding this concept. I also have a theory that maybe all along I've been in a permanent state of dissociation and if I come out of it I would see the humanity and people's faces and truly be empathetic and guilt ridden and maybe even be able to connect to someone or feel a genuine relationship with them. But I basically feel like I've just been on autopilot. I can't remeber a lot of things and I feel like I'm always checked out doing the bare minimum to get through day. I do things to do things. I'll go on a road trip and drive and ignore all the people with me and I'm not enjoying any of it like they are I'm just there to be there. I'm not fully present. I also ALWAYS DAY DREAM. Like I am 20 years old and I play pretend in my room alone everyday. I've been doing this for so long. I day dream about sex and about being a victim. It's like I am a little actress. I day dream about people interviewing me. I day dream about speaking to a therapist and about dancing to music with certain people in my life watching. And I just feel like that's really really strange. When I was younger I couldn't wait to get home so that I could go to my room and be alone and do this weird $#%^.
I also binge eat I've been doing this since the third grade. I just eat and eat and eat and eat and nothing really grosses me out either....I binge and purge now and honestly I will sit in my tub and puke and then just wash myself after. Reality of things don't really hit me but when I think hard enough about it it does for a split second. Reality is just far I guess? But I'm so highly functioning that I don't know if it's really dissociation





Lack of conscience:
I don't have one. I don't really feel like it's there anymore. There's no one there to see the wrong I'm doing and if I don't even feel things or feel connected to myself then I'm not really going to care. (Am I ignoring it? I have no sense of self nothing in me like my own voice in my head. Even writing this feels like I'm reading it in someone else voice I don't know who I am)


Lack of sense of self/ personality:
I don't know who the ###$ I am. I don't have a sense of self I just feel like a shell. I feel empty I don't have anything...I don't know how to explain.


No sense of control:
No emotional control
I eat too much
I have no long term goal setting abilities
I am extremely lazy



Attention seeking:
Just act out for attention. I love telling stories real or fake, I love being seductive I love the surface level praise. I would sincerely dream ab being raped because I just wanted someone to want me so badly but if someone wanted to sit down and actually love me I'd push them away and be repulsed. I'd hate that. It freaks me out and turns me off. I can't have emotional connections to people it disgusts me.
But after realizing I'm a narc I realize that the compliments are just fuel and if I look deep enough they aren't doing much for me. Also I don't like sincere compliments either I'll always say thanks or I know but they don't mean much anymore. I just like people seeing me as a kind cute sweet hearted person but I don't take them to heart since I know what I truly am

Hello Doom, and welcome to the forum.

I guess you're looking to see if these things you're experiencing sound familiar to us?

For me, some of them do and some don't. I can relate to the impaired empathy and feeling fake when expressing emotions (other than frustration and anger). I also get easily annoyed with people, especially if they're in my way.

I can't relate to what you described as dissociation, and it's not a trait associated with NPD. It sounds like this is a fairy pervasive experience for you - so there may be something else going on. Was there trauma earlier in your life?

Doommahlaarol wrote: But I'm so highly functioning that I don't know if it's really dissociation

How are you defining high functioning?

To me, high functioning means that you're disorder is not interfering with your life in a big way. From what you've described, it sounds like many aspects of your life are being impacted, so I don't know what you mean by high functioning.

The binge eating this is not a trait of NPD, but could also be related to the repressed trauma in your life.

Doommahlaarol wrote:Lack of conscience:
I don't have one. I don't really feel like it's there anymore.

It's not there anymore.....so it was there before. When did it change?

Doommahlaarol wrote:ttention seeking:
Just act out for attention. I love telling stories real or fake, I love being seductive I love the surface level praise. I would sincerely dream ab being raped because I just wanted someone to want me so badly but if someone wanted to sit down and actually love me I'd push them away and be repulsed. I'd hate that. It freaks me out and turns me off. I can't have emotional connections to people it disgusts me.

This type of behavior is associated with other disorders too, not just NPD.

We can't tell you what is wrong with you. In my opinion this all sounds along the lines of borderline personality disorder, but that is mere speculation.

Welcome.

The best advice I can think to give you is to get involved and not to worry to much about labels. Personality disorders are simply common constellations of observable behaviour, no more, no less.

Self knowledge will always trump official taxonomies.

Doommahlaarol wrote:Recently I've realized that I am either a narcissistic personality (covert) or an antisocial personality.

To start I'll share the differential diagnosis information on BPD, HPD, NPD and ASPD. Note that this comes from the DSM-5, and DSM diagnosis of personality disorders should be taken with several grains of salt. As Quoth already said, they're more like guidelines on behavioral clusters. The labels are more shorthand for "this person has a pattern of X, Y, and Z behavior that deviates markedly from sociocultural norms" and give a therapist a good direction to go with therapy. That's about it. But there are some excerpts on differential diagnosis copy/pasted from the DSM's section on NPD.

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adult­hood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.

Borderline personality disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity. Typical features of borderline personality disorder are instability of self-image, personal goals, interpersonal relationships, and affects, accompanied by impulsivity, risk taking, and/or hostility.

The relative stability of self-image as well as the relative lack of self-destructiveness, impulsivity, and abandonment concerns also help distinguish narcissistic personality disorder from borderline personality disorder.

From DSM-IV: Although Paranoid Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder may also be characterized by an angry reaction to minor stimuli, the relative stability of self-image as well as the relative lack of self-destructiveness, impulsivity, and abandonment concerns distinguish these disorders from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Histrionic personality disorder is a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking.

Individuals with histrionic personality disorder are manipulative to gain nurturance. Although individuals with narcissistic personality disorder also crave attention from others, they usually want praise for their “superiority,” whereas individuals with histrionic personality disorder are willing to be viewed as fragile or dependent if this is instrumental in getting attention. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder may exaggerate the intimacy of their relationships with other people, but they are more apt to emphasize the "VIP" status or wealth of their friends. Excessive pride in achievements, a relative lack of emotional display, and disdain for others' sensitivities help distinguish narcissistic personality disorder from histrionic personality disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Typical features of narcissistic personality disorder are variable and vulnerable self-esteem, with attempts at regulation through attention and approval seeking, and either overt or covert grandiosity.

Although individuals with borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorders may require much attention, those with narcissistic personality disorder specifically need that attention to be admiring.

From DSM-IV: The most useful feature in discriminating Narcissistic Personality Disorder from Histrionic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders, whose interactive styles are respectively coquettish, callous, and needy, is the grandiosity characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Antisocial personality disorder is a pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others. Typical features of antisocial personality disorder are a failure to conform to lawful and ethical behavior, and an egocentric, callous lack of concern for others, accompanied by deceitfulness, irresponsibility, manipulativeness, and/or risk taking.

Individuals with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder share a tendency to be tough-minded, glib, superficial, exploitative, and lack empathy. However, narcissistic personality disorder does not include characteristics of impulsivity, aggression, and deceit. In addition, individuals with antisocial personality disorder may not be as needy of the admiration and envy of others, and persons with narcissistic personality disorder usually lack the history of conduct disorder in childhood or criminal behavior in adulthood.

Doommahlaarol wrote:Dissociation: this is a BIG ONE. Cause I'm scared I'm just making this up or I'm misunderstanding this concept.

Sounds like dissociation.

Doommahlaarol wrote:I also ALWAYS DAY DREAM. Like I am 20 years old and I play pretend in my room alone everyday. I've been doing this for so long. I day dream about sex and about being a victim. It's like I am a little actress. I day dream about people interviewing me. I day dream about speaking to a therapist and about dancing to music with certain people in my life watching. And I just feel like that's really really strange. When I was younger I couldn't wait to get home so that I could go to my room and be alone and do this weird $#%^.

Could it be maladaptive daydreaming?

I can't relate to what you described as dissociation, and it's not a trait associated with NPD. It sounds like this is a fairy pervasive experience for you - so there may be something else going on. Was there trauma earlier in your life?

Yeah, I guess there sort of was I don't know because I'm scared I deserved it and have been convincing myself I was a victim this whole time. I got molested twice but enjoyed it and it was other children so I let it happen and then I engaged in letting them touch me like that all the time. My parents have beat me before when I did something bad. My mom and dad and brother were sort of mean. I'm convinced my mom is a narcissist that never liked me so I've always had it out for her. I don't even feel like she's my mom I get weird feelings about her. And I love my dad I think but I also pity him and I think that has to do with my parents relationship.


How are you defining high functioning?
People not noticing that I don't care or am not fully there. Still getting by undetected. Getting what
I need done. It makes life easier but life isn't enjoyable. I think when I was high yesterday I tried to come out of it and be my real self and I just starting to think about how weird life was and had a major panic attack, my body was shaking I am really insecure without my dissociated fake charming autopilot personality

To me, high functioning means that you're disorder is not interfering with your life in a big way. From what you've described, it sounds like many aspects of your life are being impacted, so I don't know what you mean by high functioning.

Sometimes I'm in distress about them and sometimes I want to take on the day being narcissistic being fake, looking pretty I don't know how to just be myself and go out there it sucks.

The binge eating this is not a trait of NPD, but could also be related to the repressed trauma in your life.

Yeah I wouldn't have to purge if I didn't binge eat but I've been doing that since third grade.

Doommahlaarol wrote:Lack of conscience:
I don't have one. I don't really feel like it's there anymore.

It's not there anymore.....so it was there before. When did it change?

Good question I don't remember I just remember liking people and being compassionate towards them. Not fake compassion either and sympathizing for the homeless not being able to be mean to others etc. now I don't feel anything for anyone and I don't care.
This type of behavior is associated with other disorders too, not just NPD.[/quote]

Yeah I know. There's moods I have where I really could be introspective and want help and be able to share and then moods where I'm just apathetic ab all of this

NPDs have conscience, we don't dissociate, we don't have fluctuating moods, no binge eating, we are not apathetic, we have emotions, we have control.

What you described is not NPD , not even full blown ASPD either , maybe BPD, who the ###$ knows.

Doommahlaarol wrote:Yeah, I guess there sort of was I don't know because I'm scared I deserved it and have been convincing myself I was a victim this whole time.

You did not deserve it. Nobody deserves sexual molestation or any kind of abuse, let alone a child. For some odd reason, children always blame themselves and carry shame but it is NEVER their fault.

I got molested twice but enjoyed it and it was other children so I let it happen and then I engaged in letting them touch me like that all the time.

It's pretty likely that the kids who molested you were molested themselves. It's not unusual for victims of molestation to say that it felt good - even though they know what happened was wrong. You can't help your own physiology.

My parents have beat me before when I did something bad. My mom and dad and brother were sort of mean. I'm convinced my mom is a narcissist that never liked me so I've always had it out for her. I don't even feel like she's my mom I get weird feelings about her. And I love my dad I think but I also pity him and I think that has to do with my parents relationship.

When you say they beat you, you mean like beat the crap out of you (as opposed to spanked - which I also think is abuse)? How old were you when that happened and did it happen often?

Your mom & dad were "sort of mean" but they beat you. That sounds seriously mean, not sort of. Beating is child abuse and you have the right to call it what it was. You were a victim but that doesn't have to define you now. There's the stuff that happened to you and there is YOU. Different things. Perhaps some of your confusion about who you really are lies in not being able to separate the two.

You included your brother in being mean. In what way was he mean to you and is he still?

People not noticing that I don't care or am not fully there. Still getting by undetected. Getting what
I need done. It makes life easier but life isn't enjoyable. I think when I was high yesterday I tried to come out of it and be my real self and I just starting to think about how weird life was and had a major panic attack, my body was shaking I am really insecure without my dissociated fake charming autopilot personality

Sometimes I'm in distress about them and sometimes I want to take on the day being narcissistic being fake, looking pretty I don't know how to just be myself and go out there it sucks.

When you're being fake, are you doing the typical narcissistic behaviors of attention seeking and manipulating others or is it putting on a happy face to hide depression and anxiety?

Yeah I wouldn't have to purge if I didn't binge eat but I've been doing that since third grade.

How old were you when you started purging?

Good question I don't remember I just remember liking people and being compassionate towards them. Not fake compassion either and sympathizing for the homeless not being able to be mean to others etc. now I don't feel anything for anyone and I don't care.

Yeah I know. There's moods I have where I really could be introspective and want help and be able to share and then moods where I'm just apathetic ab all of this

Can you remember how old you were when you felt compassion toward others? Trauma and ongoing stress can make people shut down and become numb and that can happen at any point in life. You can also get that natural compassion back but you have to decide that you want it.

(maybe is not a pd but anyway) i wonder why you think is npd for example and not bpd? or hpd?
from the things you said in the first post,why not bpd or hpd traits

You really strike me as borderline.

A misconception about borderlines is that they have normal empathy. That is wrong. A lot of them actually lack empathy, and at the other spectrum have extreme empathy. They constantly split between two polar opposites.

But your first misconception was thinking that you can be put in a single box. Most people with PDs have multiple traits from different other B-personalities.