Covert narcissim, can't make friends/human connections

Skitterish wrote:Hi all, I suspect I have covert narc traits.

I'm very socially awkward, fear/distrust people & the social world & can't make friends or establish human relationships. I avoid people mostly but I was unbearably lonely & isolated so tried to overcome all this. For the last 2 years I’ve made big efforts to socialise & deal with my social anxiety, still not able to make any friends. And Avoidant pd doesn't quite ring true. I'm very reserved & quiet compared to gregarious folk but beneath the surface... I'm very angry, resentful and fed up, often feel envy and with each new rejection feel entitled to more than zero status & zero affection (especially from my family).

I used to think I was extremely empathetic, sensitive and supportive. To the point of feeling like a doormat, the only attention (supply?) I ever garnered was when people would dump/confide their most torturous problems on me, for like hours. Then when I'd contact them to do something fun/healthy like see a movie or coffee they totally rejected me. I came to resent feeling used in this way – this kind of interaction was my only social life & human connection, I even got a job where this was my main duty because I figured at least I'd get paid for it & some training about how to deal with feeling constantly used/dumped on. I got high praise in that job for my listening skills but quickly got emotional burn out & had to stop. Now I’m not sure if I ever felt empathy or if suffering/torment was just familiar, the only feelings/human experience I could understand. Now I feel ill/impatient/angry when people start to divulge their problems onto me, I don't have any empathy I just want them to stop. I resent the expectation that women (I’m middle-aged) are maternal and caring, I’m tired of being nice.

I also have tonnes of rage and anger and easily feel envy for people who have what I don't - supportive family, friends, a social life, good looks, success in their recovery (e.g. from depression, anxiety). Everyday anxieties – especially interpersonal - often escalate into terror, or rage, that are hard to calm.

I figured if I could establish a social network I’d be more stable & less desperate. But after 2 years I haven't made any friends and don't feel much better about myself. There's been a lot of rejection - clearly when I turn off the 'empathetic listener me' there isn't much that's likeable about me as I can't get any friendship established & don't really know why. I’m trying to work on my social skills. What’s more troubling is that shyness & social inexperience don’t seem to explain my isolation, it's becoming clear to me that I'm some kind of monster not just shy.

I do feel like a victim, angry that my family don't care about me or ever want to see me. But I feel I have this secret identity that I can’t express - the real me is angry, resentful & wants to lash out at people, tired of being nice.. that would make me the abuser not the victim. That troubles me.
Thanks for listening, any replies are welcome.