Jealousy

One of my weakest points is jealousy. My ex knows it and he keeps pushing. He keeps mentioning and hanging out with all kinds of women (now that we're not together) His favorite thing in the world is creating these triangles where he simultaneously tortures me and highlights the fact he has more than one option.

I can play this, by play I mean not lose temper, for a while at least. But he just keeps pushing to extremes, and I eventually lose it and show jealousy.

How would a narc act in my position? How do I not lose control and temper? It's the hardest thing in the world for me, not to lose control in a situation like this. Still I accept his invites to these twisted hang-outs, I kinda like it.

I tried doing the same thing - he refuses the invite, he doesn't allow the same situation to be even created. He also claims he's not jealous.

Could this be true? Are narcissists by nature jealous? Let's say he moderately cares about me (for the sake of this discussion). Based on what I pick up on, I'd say he does get jealous but hides it, since he knows it's exactly what I'm hoping to see.

How would a narc act in my position?

Personally I would

#1 not chase after my ex like you are.

#2 I would seek my own replacements. I would devalue my ex and try to find new sources that in my mind are better catches and therefore no longer needing my ex. If its 2 narcs they would probable just fizzle out into a distant memory. Just my opinion.

Shanzik wrote:Could this be true? Are narcissists by nature jealous? Let's say he moderately cares about me (for the sake of this discussion). Based on what I pick up on, I'd say he does get jealous but hides it, since he knows it's exactly what I'm hoping to see.

I can be very jealous, yes. Unrealistically so, too.
But there is also a big difference. Youve stated at least three times here that you are done, that you are over him. Yet you keep looping in the same ridiculous masochism, ever coming back here, using us as replacements for him, asking us questiosn you want to ask him, not being able nor willing to truly accept the finality of the situation you are in, while laughing it off as some kind of endless joke. If I was you I'd start to realize slowly that you are quite ###$ up and in need of a professional, not a forum for people with a disorder that has nothing to do with your problems.

Akuma wrote:

Shanzik wrote:Could this be true? Are narcissists by nature jealous? Let's say he moderately cares about me (for the sake of this discussion). Based on what I pick up on, I'd say he does get jealous but hides it, since he knows it's exactly what I'm hoping to see.

I can be very jealous, yes. Unrealistically so, too.
But there is also a big difference. Youve stated at least three times here that you are done, that you are over him. Yet you keep looping in the same ridiculous masochism, ever coming back here, using us as replacements for him, asking us questiosn you want to ask him, not being able nor willing to truly accept the finality of the situation you are in, while laughing it off as some kind of endless joke. If I was you I'd start to realize slowly that you are quite ###$ up and in need of a professional, not a forum for people with a disorder that has nothing to do with your problems.

This is very true. I want to be done, it's just that my thoughts are not in tune with my feelings, it was always very hard for me to work against my feelings, it hurts like hell. I'm forced to see him every single day.


I only disagree with the last sentence, it is connected with my problems, I was raised by a narcissist, and I attract them, it can't "not have anything to do with my problems".

-- Fri Feb 10, 2017 8:02 pm --

jrh592 wrote:

How would a narc act in my position?

Personally I would

#1 not chase after my ex like you are.

Okay.

I just wonder if all of you actually ever felt the same amount of pain a non feels when (s)he has to let go? It's not like I want to suffer and allow to be made fool of, it just physically hurts SO MUCH to let go, the pain is unbeliveably strong, and it terrifies me and that's the reason I postpone it.

Would you be able to cut someone out so easily if you had to indure this really horrible, painful feeling, for weeks and months even? I completely understand your point of view and how you feel, but can you imagine how a non feels in situations like these?

I dont think a non experiences the pain like that. I for example have experienced tremendous psychological suffering based on this perception of me and the loved person being one, it was some panicky, overblown, distorted screaming, physically feelable pain like a constant dying. But thats not how normal people feel that, because they relate to another person in a much higher-level way. Such pain, as Masterson calls it, abandonment-depression, is typical for borderliners and narcissists, not for Nons. So again... get a therapist. Because you either have a borderline disorder that you should get treatment for, or you have a very low affect-toleranec, that you could also work on.
Delaying this endlessly has another sideeffect, namely that you manipulate the less self-aware people on this forum here to become pawns in your reenactments. Experience with others in the past dictates this can go on for years.

i am not sute about this ,so lets discuss it only theoretically. what if you show him you are jealous and he gets interested in you ,because you care?
or is better to ignore and do not care?
why did you break up anyway,and you still talk?

I just wonder if all of you actually ever felt the same amount of pain a non feels when (s)he has to let go? It's not like I want to suffer and allow to be made fool of, it just physically hurts SO MUCH to let go, the pain is unbeliveably strong, and it terrifies me and that's the reason I postpone it.

Would you be able to cut someone out so easily if you had to indure this really horrible, painful feeling, for weeks and months even? I completely understand your point of view and how you feel, but can you imagine how a non feels in situations like these?

Yes I have felt a great deal of pain from loss however the pain of being made a fool or taken advantage of or chasing someone who is so obviously trying to make me jealous is far far far greater. The intense fear and ANGER I have for that person that tries to make me a fool fuels me to do some pretty crazy things. I will do everything in my power to #1 remove any feelings I ever had for that person and find someone different or #2 if I have a chance to make them extremely jealous, publicly humiliate them the way they are me or hurt them badly I will do it in a heartbeat. I wont allow anyone to do that to me. No way. I think a lot of people like me with NPD will have black and white thinking. Good and evil. The minute the other person does something like that we immediately paint them black. They are on our evil list and we absolutely hate them. It immediately turns to revenge. I might begin a binge of sleeping with as many girls as I can and carry on relationships with several women to make sure I always have someone whenever I need. No time for crying over someone not worth my time. I also LOVE when the other person finds out I am having a grand ole time being single again.

Akuma wrote:I dont think a non experiences the pain like that. [...] Such pain, as Masterson calls it, abandonment-depression, is typical for borderliners and narcissists, not for Nons.

Agreed. Back when I had what I label as BPD I experienced the abandonment-depression multiple times over. It was the most agonizing psychological pain I've ever experienced. And it happened constantly when I perceived someone as pulling away.

Now as a non I know I just would never "go there". I have coping skills that would stop me from falling down that hole. I'd still feel pain. It would still suck and I'd grieve. But I wouldn't feel like my existance was being eradicated.

Shanzik wrote:How would a narc act in my position?

I would ghost him.

Shanzik wrote:How do I not lose control and temper?

Ghost him and replace him. You won't need him anymore.

Shanzik wrote:Still I accept his invites to these twisted hang-outs, I kinda like it.

Shanzik wrote:I tried doing the same thing - he refuses the invite, he doesn't allow the same situation to be even created. He also claims he's not jealous.

He very well might not be since he has sufficient distractions. Or maybe he is and that's why he's refusing the invites. Take a page from that book and stop accepting his invites, company, etc. Cut him out of your life.

Shanzik wrote:Are narcissists by nature jealous?

I can be, but usually I'm not.

Akuma wrote:I dont think a non experiences the pain like that. I for example have experienced tremendous psychological suffering based on this perception of me and the loved person being one, it was some panicky, overblown, distorted screaming, physically feelable pain like a constant dying. But thats not how normal people feel that, because they relate to another person in a much higher-level way. Such pain, as Masterson calls it, abandonment-depression, is typical for borderliners and narcissists, not for Nons. So again... get a therapist. Because you either have a borderline disorder that you should get treatment for, or you have a very low affect-toleranec, that you could also work on.
Delaying this endlessly has another sideeffect, namely that you manipulate the less self-aware people on this forum here to become pawns in your reenactments. Experience with others in the past dictates this can go on for years.

Thank you for taking time to write this, I will get a therapist. And I didn't see my topics as manipulation or attempt of reenactments, they're like any other topic written by a non. I think so at least.

-- Sat Feb 11, 2017 7:10 pm --

jrh592 wrote:

I just wonder if all of you actually ever felt the same amount of pain a non feels when (s)he has to let go? It's not like I want to suffer and allow to be made fool of, it just physically hurts SO MUCH to let go, the pain is unbeliveably strong, and it terrifies me and that's the reason I postpone it.

Would you be able to cut someone out so easily if you had to indure this really horrible, painful feeling, for weeks and months even? I completely understand your point of view and how you feel, but can you imagine how a non feels in situations like these?

Yes I have felt a great deal of pain from loss however the pain of being made a fool or taken advantage of or chasing someone who is so obviously trying to make me jealous is far far far greater. The intense fear and ANGER I have for that person that tries to make me a fool fuels me to do some pretty crazy things. I will do everything in my power to #1 remove any feelings I ever had for that person and find someone different or #2 if I have a chance to make them extremely jealous, publicly humiliate them the way they are me or hurt them badly I will do it in a heartbeat. I wont allow anyone to do that to me. No way. I think a lot of people like me with NPD will have black and white thinking. Good and evil. The minute the other person does something like that we immediately paint them black. They are on our evil list and we absolutely hate them. It immediately turns to revenge. I might begin a binge of sleeping with as many girls as I can and carry on relationships with several women to make sure I always have someone whenever I need. No time for crying over someone not worth my time. I also LOVE when the other person finds out I am having a grand ole time being single again.

Even though I (officially) don't have a PD, this kinda seems like a healthier way to deal with the whole thing, than what I do. It's like I lost my survival instincts.