So my friends pick up on that my inability to relate to others, my issues stemming from childhood. They understand since they grew up with me.
They discuss this behind my back when I'm in another room. I hear them laughing. With me, not at me at the time. That's not how I saw it at the time. Comparing me to anti-heroes, movie characters ("He's Anakin Skywalker, we've got to stop him turning to the darkside") and of all people Larry David, the writer of Seinfeld and protagonist in Curb Your Enthusiasm because we are very similar. In CYE, his selfishness would get him into awkward and ironic situations where he would get his comeuppance. To them I was the king of unintentional situational comedy. They thought I was a living sitcom and loved me, warts and all.
But I took it personally. I took their metaphors literally and misconstrued what they were actually saying. It always triggered me badly them pointing out my negatives and flaws. I thought, is that how people see me? What have I ever done to them. I'm the victim. Why are my friends, the people I trust, going behind my back? So whenever this would happen I would bitch to a mutual friend about what they were doing and how they were being narcissists who thought they were better than me. I could not handle the constructive criticism they were giving me. I thought they were conspiring against me so I conspired right back.
Due to my failures and criticism I always thought I had to reinvent myself. Better myself. Get buff, be alpha, get girls, be admired and respected. That was my idealized self. Objectifying girls to my mates, being obsessed with looks and appearances. To be like Achilles in Troy. In my endeavour for self improvement I went through many phases all the while projecting out an image I was some kind of alpha male when really I was overcompensating for deep seated self worth issues. This of course was why my friends found so much to laugh about but I would never realize this. The worse I did in life, going nowhere, the worse I got online. I would project all my disowned flaws onto others and abuse them behind their backs.
Then one night at a mates party, this girl I was close to and had slept with, had talks of being friends with benefits with was there. We had a hotel room and were blind drunk. She was with another guy and he was going down on her. The noise woke me up. I went to the bathroom to pee. Then when I got back I had this urge, this impulse. So I went over to her and kissed her. There was no yes or no but at the time I thought we were friends with benefits. I start to penetrate her. She's very passive, no yes or no. I ask if its okay. We had sex.Just a grunt. I try initiate a threesome but she's not into it. She did give me a wristy (handjob) while he went down on her though. I notice she's starting to fall asleep and be uncomfortable so I stop after a short while. In the morning I get into bed with her, spoon and rub her up. I rub myself against her thighs and she puts it in. We never talked about what happened that night and I never apologized for 2 years. I felt bad, but I could rationalize it. "She never said no". I think accidently sexually assaulted her on impulse. If I could take back what I did I would. I was so ashamed so I never brought it up but I felt guilty. To this day I don't know if it was rape or an accidental misunderstanding. It was never my intention and it wasn't done on purpose.
This girl, I had gaslit too for being a feminist behind her back. My friends I had gaslit behind their backs as well. It's been a few years now so they're fed up with me now, end of the line. I was annoying them and had betrayed them. When they found out they were hurt. The girl especially. She finds out I'm a narcissist sociopath using her for selfish reasons. She tells people I raped her to get back at me. When my friends find out they compile all the sexist, incriminating texts I ever sent on WhatsApp, text, screenshot them and share them around. Airing out all my dirty laundry and all the horrible things I've done. No sympathy. They band together and start a conspiracy to bring me down. Destroy my self image, the only thing I care about. They start feeding me supply with subtle negs through WhatsApp, text, snapchat. I am oblivious to the hate and abuse they're giving me.
Months later mates and I go camping. We take acid. I go off on my own. I hear them talking and the word narcissist a lot. They suddenly hate me. They know things that I only shared with certain other people. This confirmed the conspiracy for me. Instead of being called Anakin Skywalker, I am now Darth Vader. The pantomime villain that everybody loves to hate. I am no longer sympathetic to them. They gossip about what they just pulled off, how they ruined my life, destroyed my self image permanently. Everything is unleashed upon me, they know I am listening and don't care. They want me to know what they really think of me. They say I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself if I'm so angry and that no one would be at my funeral. This caused another massive injury. I did not eat for days and was shaking, depressed, piecing everything together with a new hindsight. When I get home, my phone blows up with more abuse from everyone involved, girls I knew from highschool, guys I know from another social circle, exes. The secret is out. The nickname they have for me is 'the dog', 'date rapist', 'Narc', 'monster'.
You may hate me after reading this, that's fair. I am a piece of $#%^. Outed because I couldn't handle a joke. My ego was that fragile. My life is ruined, I am the butt of every joke in various social circles I was once close with. I have no friends now. No girl will go near me. No status except sex offender. I am hated. I feel irredeemable and that I have to prove to others that I have changed, when really I have only just a bit since becoming self aware. I am directionless in life, living it like a movie waiting for my arc to happen. Living through others to reflect back my false self. I am absolutely shattered. I see myself as the victim in this, even though I'm not.
I have made amends with the girl now but she wants nothing to do with me now. The only option I think I have is to move away but my heart is very much set here. I live in a blessed place. I'm too dependent on my parents right now anyway. We were good friends after the incident but when she found out I was a sociopath she decided to get revenge. Whenever I try confront my friends or apologize they gaslight me and pretend they don't know what I'm talking about. It's ######6 frustrating.
Since becoming self aware I've read up on narcissism (mostly Sam Vaknin's stuff which is chillingly familiar), joined a cluster b group on facebook, gone into hospital for ECT, started therapy. I tried religion but some of the gossip came over and they think I'm a terrible person (said when I wasn't there but I heard it, oh yes I did, so much for no judgement).
Any advice for this narc? Or should I lay down and rot, accept my fate? There are days when I'm so depressed and empty thinking about how NPD is basically a life sentence, how I'm stuck like this, how everything is already set in stone. How do I learn to live with this injury? It's been 2 years yet every now and then it hits me hard. How do I go about reclaiming my life and coping with NPD? I don't even know if I did rape to this day and it will always haunt me. I will have to live with this serious injury, of childhood friends turning against me and my self image ruined. Any advice would be most welcome.