Our partner

Could someone with NPD care about me

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby makinitmorgan » Sun Jul 10, 2016 6:45 am

I know my subject is loaded question but I actually have a few parts to my question.

First off, I have had a friendship with someone for more than 15 years. We were in the same high school group and we have stayed in touch depsite my move to a new country. We mostly send texts but it's multiple times per week(sometimes everyday). Whenever anything good happens to him, he wants to tell me. Like when he bought a motorcycle or beat his entire family at a chess match. He cares less when something good happens to me of course. He also texts me when he is extremely frustrated.

I consider this person one of my best friends, I trust him not to lie to me but he is quite closed off about certain things. He's very intelligent, clever but lacks a solid social circle because he can't stop his negative comments about other's choices and he boasts about everything. He is a virgin at 30 and has never had a girlfriend. He talks about "hot girls" and seems sexual but has had impotency issues. In fact, I'm the only person(other than himself) that he was able to climax with(oral) which was 10 years ago. Since then he and I havent fooled around, I wanted to have sex and he didnt so my feelings were a bit hurt. He didnt pursue me past that so we lost touch for a bit and became just friends again.

Sorry for all of the details, just trying to make the situation clear. I give him compliments(not constant or for every little thing) but he never gives me a single compliment about anything. I care for him so much, hence why I feel like he is one of my best friends but when I say things like how he never says anything nice about me, he says he just has high standards about things.

Even if he doesn't say that he cares, could he? Is our friendship really just fulfilling his Nsupply? How can I talk to him about this to find out for sure(he usually doesn't lie to me, instead when he doesn't want to answer a question he strategically dodges it).

I feel so frustrated because I am usually an intelligent person, albeit emotional, but this situation fills me with concern that I look foolish.

If he doesn't care because he can't care, can he at least feel loyalty towards me? See me as superior to other people like he sees himself? I am trying to understand all this. He is more cerebral btw.

Thanks in advance for your candid responses
makinitmorgan
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Jul 10, 2016 5:58 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 5:15 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby Akuma » Sun Jul 10, 2016 12:34 pm

Ask him. If you cant communicate with him then you dont seem to have the kind of relationship that you think you have.
dx: SPD
Akuma
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1805
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:56 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 9:45 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby MeAgain » Sun Jul 10, 2016 3:33 pm

Dependency (fear of losing you) is a faximilie of caring. With dependent types there's enough empathy to say a qualified "yes".
30mg Citalopram SSRI Antidepressant
40mg Propranolol Beta Blocker

A mere imp of Satan
User avatar
MeAgain
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1546
Joined: Mon Aug 24, 2015 2:29 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 7:45 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby makinitmorgan » Mon Jul 11, 2016 1:35 am

Akuma wrote:Ask him. If you cant communicate with him then you dont seem to have the kind of relationship that you think you have.


The issue with asking him is that he doesn't like talking about how he feels or it could be that he thinks I won't be able to handle the answer lol.

If I ask him a question about how he feels, he half answers it or dodges it. Then communication stops for days.

I am aware that I care more than he does, which I don't find insulting because I am aware he has had issues maintaining any close friendships based on the fact that people feel like things aren't really balanced or fair in the friendship.

I also assumed because we talk so frequently he must care or he wouldn't bother messaging. It's only since learning about NPD (my brother was telling me about it after dating someome he thought might have been a narc) that I started to be concerned that I was just narc supply.

I'm also not sure if he is a self aware narc. I am quite sure he is a narc though. I know I'm not a psychologist but based on 15 years of watching his unusual behavior, seeing the way he boasts about how smart he is, his lack of empathy, his need to put someone down and talk about how he does it better, his constant negative comments and how quickly he gets frustrated. He once said if his friends knew what he really thought, they would leave. I can see how hard he tries to project a false self that will be more socially acceptable. I also see that although there are some characteristics similiar to a sociopath, it isn't what he is.
makinitmorgan
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Jul 10, 2016 5:58 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 5:15 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby ms Perfect » Mon Jul 11, 2016 2:20 am

I think he takes not light and no deep your friendship. You are probably a good listener and taking his sides of his stories. He likes to share it. you can do the same from your side.

You started to thing more deep into your relationships with him. You want him to care.
You like him? want his feelings to grow for you one day?

I do not think so it will happen. Narcs when they interested in someone the do not postpone relationships. they do it fast in right in target.

so take it light :)
I have several light friends like that
ms Perfect
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 352
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2016 9:21 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 2:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby NimplyDinply » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:15 am

Contrary to popular belief on the internet, I think it's possible, on some level or another. I guess it depends on how severe his issues are. Seems you've encountered the "constrained mutuality" criteria but honestly? Anyone with NPD, or any PD for that matter, is more complex than what the DSM descriptions say. So while he may be self-indulgent and self-absorbed in your friendship, I don't think that necessarily translates into lack of care for you per se. It entirely depends on the person.

I was reading in a piece of literature a study of a man who was very self-absorbed. He was diagnosed with NPD. One of his issues was that he had deep remorse over being emotionally unavailable toward his growing son. That to me implies some sort of care, doesn't it?

Seems to be a common complaint among people with NPD at the end of the day. Not all, of course, but for some. Want deeper relationships with others, with more mutuality, just feel "stuck" and not sure how to obtain that.

As was said, it's a complex disorder and everyone is different.
what a tangled web we unweave, when we practice to just be
User avatar
NimplyDinply
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2040
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2014 2:11 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 2:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby Ligeia » Mon Jul 11, 2016 12:19 pm

makinitmorgan wrote:If he doesn't care because he can't care, can he at least feel loyalty towards me? See me as superior to other people like he sees himself? I am trying to understand all this. He is more cerebral btw.


This is possible if he idealizes you. You need to figure out his ideals and embody them, and he will feel respect for you, but keep in mind that this respect is very unstable. When I idealize someone, I'm very charming, I subtly mirror their habits and quirks, and pay a little more attention to them than usual. You'll know if he does if he goes farther to impress you than he does other people (but if he's as intelligent as you say, it's not going to be obvious). Right now, I think he doesn't, especially since he didn't try to bridge the distance you mentioned. Maybe he likes you and enjoys your company as a "safe zone", but that doesn't mean he cares about you as a person.
Ligeia
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 123
Joined: Sun Jul 10, 2016 11:17 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 9:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby FunnyRainbow » Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:04 pm

I have a "best friend" who I tell a lot of things. I tell about my plans, my anger, etc.

When his mother died he was sad, I couldn't feel the pain, but I was more "empathic",
like how are you, are you okay, do you need something...
I care about him even if I don't feel anything if he gets hurt, because he cares about me aswell.
I don't see him superior to other people, but I don't look at him as an object.

So I think yes, he can care about you.
English is not my first language, sorry for my mistakes.
FunnyRainbow
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 310
Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2016 10:11 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 8:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Could someone with NPD care about me

Postby njohns321 » Wed Jul 27, 2016 4:17 am

pwNPD do not lack cognitive empathy, just emotional, which is less important imo. So it's not as bad as someone with ASPD who lacks totaly empathy. Here's a good study on it: http://www.antoniocasella.eu/archipsy/Ritter_2010.pdf
Dx: rapid-cycling Type II Bipolar, Social Anxiety Disorder, GAD, ADHD
Rx: Lamotrigine (200mg), Seroquel (25mg), Gabapentin (300-400mg as needed), Bupropion (300mg)
njohns321
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 368
Joined: Thu Jan 02, 2014 8:55 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 7:45 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 15 guests