Please help me understand narcissistics

I am a borderline and I've found out recently that my mom is a narcissistic. Obviously our relationship has been alqays... Difficult to say the least, but even if I sound stupid or naive, I don't think that she meant to do all the harm she did to me on my teens and young adulthood. I don't think either narcissistics are "mean" people. I am trying to be the most respectful here but I am entirely lost. Is being a copy of her or adoring her blindly the only way she is gonna be happy with me boing her daughter? Is there a way I can make her understand I feel absolutely lost because I was abruptly stopped when I was trying to find out who I really was? Are narcissistics able to actually care about someone else? Is there something painful what triggers the disorder but they just don't talk about it? Please help me. I just wanna try to understand better both sides and to find out the best way to create a healthy interaction between a borderline and a narcissistic if it is possible.

you can agree to all their nonsense, you can smile and nod and adore and that's about it.

a real relationship (ie give and take) is not possible with a pwNPD.

There has to be something else! Can you feel empathy in certain circumstances? Can you actually love or care about someone else?

It all depends on the degree and subtype of the illness. You can sort people into these diagnostic prototypes for therapeutic reasons but not for understanding an individual.
With parents its usually a bit more problematic because parents can have a really hard time admitting they have made mistakes even when theyre not PD'd. Only time will tell if it works out some day or if then you even still want or need whatever it is you look for.

Shiloh_Wallace wrote:There has to be something else! Can you feel empathy in certain circumstances? Can you actually love or care about someone else?

I believe they of course can, but only in a self serving way. They can love a person not for who they are, but how that person makes the narcissist feel and look (image)

Unless your mom goes through a lot of therapy, a healthy relationship will not be possible. She will only love you to the degree you are an extension of herself. I've been in therapy for seven years for my NPD and ASPD. I have two children who are 8 and 10. It's only been in the last year and a half one might be able to say I have exhibited any ability to connect with them and seem invested in them as their own beings. And even that's still shaky at this point because I am always interested in my own well being first. I've had a whole lot of therapy too...so, you may just have to accept that whatever relationship you have with your mom will not be like one with a normal person. And even if she went into therapy it could be a decade before she is relationally normal. Most narcs don't stay in therapy that long. As for me, my mother is borderline and that's not a cake walk either.

Akuma wrote:With parents its usually a bit more problematic because parents can have a really hard time admitting they have made mistakes even when theyre not PD'd

I agree, thank you.

Psycho Delica wrote:
I believe they of course can, but only in a self serving way. They can love a person not for who they are, but how that person makes the narcissist feel and look (image)

You are absolutely right and perhaps since I am not nearly her image or what she wanted me to be is what makes things so complicated, like if she was disapointed/angry with me.

HiddenFromView wrote:Unless your mom goes through a lot of therapy, a healthy relationship will not be possible. She will only love you to the degree you are an extension of herself.

Exactly. Perhaps that's why sometimes I feel hated/neglected or as a total disapointing or bad person and that is what I'm trying to fix. I know I can't change her but perhaps if I kinda understand her, things would go smoother in my life.
Thank you all.

This scares me somehow. I don't have children yet, but I've always thought that one day I would have. But this phrase : 'I am not what she wanted me to be' stroke me. I can already imagine if my daughter wouldn't have a degree, for instance, I couldn't cope with that. I sometimes think that maybe better to not have kids at all. (This is my BPD speaking, I guess - I sometimes feel almost like I should withdraw from any social/personal interactions in order to not damage people).

Apologies OP for interrupting your thread. I don't really have any advice for you, I don't have any experience with narcissistic parents. I hope you will be able to improve your relationship with your mother.

zuz wrote:I can already imagine if my daughter wouldn't have a degree, for instance, I couldn't cope with that. I sometimes think that maybe better to not have kids at all.

No need to apologize. Everything is helping in here. I saud before and I sustain that I've learnt more about my condition in this forum than years in therapy.
I was not abused as many children and although I describe my childhood and adolescence as tough, I completely understand many had it way worse, but still perhaps problems that would look tiny to others to me seem as mountains. My mom was a not very achieved actress and she needed me to have the fame and fortune she always pursued, and stay beautiful for ever. No wrinkles, not a gram fat, she even payed for two of the plastic surgeries, and did not even ask if I wanted them. If I meet her and I'm not wearing make up at all or I have my house work clothes on, I nearly have no value as a person. So perhaps I'm "beautiful" in my early 30s because I must stay like that but that doesn't make me feel valuable as a person, however if I get "ugly" I feel I deserve to die. But despite that, I'm not famous, I'm not interested in performing any kind of show or acting, and of couse I'm not rich and walking on red carpets. Everyday that passes, even in the days that I feel good, I know I make her miserable not making myself an extension of her, no matter if I find a man that loves me, if I can more less leave on my own, if I am good at some things. It is and never will be enough. She even had tried to choose love for me as if she was dating the guys based on their money. Since I am not a rich actress perhaps I can at least be rich and it is beyond her compression why I am not interested in "that guy".
She had to watch my ex beat me almost to death to "forgive me" when I told her I did not wanna be with him a couple of weeks before that...
I am the evil one each time I say I don't want whatever she wants for me at any step of my life. And yeah, I am terrified of having kids.
Wow... I said it.

you dont have to understand annyone
if you like 'm and they are rnot bad to you stick with them
they being aholles break with them
that's the only thing that counts
pd's are not an excuse
it's not your jobs to fix them
it's not your job to say with someone who's an ahole