zuz wrote:I can already imagine if my daughter wouldn't have a degree, for instance, I couldn't cope with that. I sometimes think that maybe better to not have kids at all.
No need to apologize. Everything is helping in here. I saud before and I sustain that I've learnt more about my condition in this forum than years in therapy.
I was not abused as many children and although I describe my childhood and adolescence as tough, I completely understand many had it way worse, but still perhaps problems that would look tiny to others to me seem as mountains. My mom was a not very achieved actress and she needed me to have the fame and fortune she always pursued, and stay beautiful for ever. No wrinkles, not a gram fat, she even payed for two of the plastic surgeries, and did not even ask if I wanted them. If I meet her and I'm not wearing make up at all or I have my house work clothes on, I nearly have no value as a person. So perhaps I'm "beautiful" in my early 30s because I must stay like that but that doesn't make me feel valuable as a person, however if I get "ugly" I feel I deserve to die. But despite that, I'm not famous, I'm not interested in performing any kind of show or acting, and of couse I'm not rich and walking on red carpets. Everyday that passes, even in the days that I feel good, I know I make her miserable not making myself an extension of her, no matter if I find a man that loves me, if I can more less leave on my own, if I am good at some things. It is and never will be enough. She even had tried to choose love for me as if she was dating the guys based on their money. Since I am not a rich actress perhaps I can at least be rich and it is beyond her compression why I am not interested in "that guy".
She had to watch my ex beat me almost to death to "forgive me" when I told her I did not wanna be with him a couple of weeks before that...
I am the evil one each time I say I don't want whatever she wants for me at any step of my life. And yeah, I am terrified of having kids.
Wow... I said it.