NPD Personal Story -Advice Please(TW-BPD Individuals)

Hi Everyone,
I’m new to this forum. I joined because I have been about 2 months out from breaking up with a BP2 + BPD mate. Once we broke up, I had to take a look at myself. I always wondered why I struggled with interpersonal relationships and got along with a****** like my ex. I also was always told I had a "New York" type of attitude cause I tend to be frank, wear a lot of black and I dress well.

Now that I have detached I now see that I may not a full blown narcissist but I definitely have a problem. I started looking into how truly messed up he is and found that his conditions had severe NPD traits. The problem is that I saw some of those traits in myself. This breakup really proved that my actions and motives for control are not normal.

Dealing with the push pull tactics of my ex it pushed me so far that I acted out in vengeful and hurtful ways. When I felt him disapear for a couple days I'd feel that I was going to lose him and get rejected. I'd get drunk and tell him off via text and call him multiple times. None of which he'd answer. Finally the next day I was sorry and felt horrible. That was a cycle and fell into his stupid manipulation every time. However I also realized that I was able to control him as I saw him as week and stupid some times. He was really smart but so am I which is why we thrived but make me your enemy and your F*****! My ability to focus on his weaknesses and manipulate situations was neck to neck with him which is why we stayed together for 3 years. He told me that he had both BP2 and BPD early on but I failed to research. I thought I knew what BP was. I was wrong.

Long story shorter, I think I eventually catapulted him into an episode in mid march when I told him he was absolute s**** and a loser including many other hurtful things while I was highly intoxicated. I think I told him to eff off and die! I was drunk but when I woke up I realized that I wasn’t sorry. I had this crazy grandiose ego and thought I’d really seal the deal by sending another text telling him to **** off and stay that way. I did this because in my gut I knew he was cheating. I could feel it and I wanted to leave him first. After about a week of no contact following my horrible text messages to him I started to wonder why I had these strong feelings of hate. I knew I loved him but I was upset and he made me rage. I didn't realize that I was a victim of his cycles. Now that I’m detached I realize that I was most likely right about the cheating and all. Now i wish I just never said sorry. I never saw him physically after that. We had text exchanges and he mostly ignored my attempts to try to speak with him. When I finally spoke with him he sounded un stable and manic. He was a mess and that actually gave me great joy. I had to mute the phone because I was laughing during him blaming me for his problems. I would take the phone off mute and play like I was sorry to see if I could get him to take me back. None of it was really emotional, more like a game. how long will he keep this up. I know I can get him back type of thing. He told me he didn't love me anymore and the typical BI Polar $#%^ mate say when they want to move onto a new [person]. I said fine and ended it. I cut contact and changed my number. This way I could contact him but i wasn't waiting around for him to call me.

I truly saw my own colors when I realized that his episode was going on longer than a month and that he was not contacting me back.That's when I created my catfish profile. I had a need to make it look like I was cool and collected while remaining distant...even though I was losing my $#%^. I catfished him on snapchat and friended him as some beautiful girl. I knew he would take the bate because we just broke up he was definitely manic and hypersexual. once we started communicating he was really forward and lying about everything. It was fun for me to screw with him. I'd ask him to send me sexual pictures pushing his personal boundaries of what he will and wont send me. That's when I started saying things to him that I knew would make him feel degraded or horrible about himself in a sweet innocent demure way. Horrible right? I still mess with him on that account however I feel like he may have gotten a little prevy after I went on a $#%^ talking rampage. I found it odd that he not only responded but also kep me on his friend list!

Today I saw him post his weekly Youtube video and was disgusted with how happy he "seemed" even though I know his happiness will most likely have worn off within 72 hours. Once I get to this level of hatred I just want to inflict emotional pain on him. I now see him a pathetic loser that will seek attention from even a stranger. I also see that he is so royally effed up that it's my duty to make him pay for all the bull that he's put other women through. Yes, I go that far, covertly. Now that I know all the many facets and cracks of his conditions I can use them to play him and get him back. Once I have him back I want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me. Yes, I just wrote that out.

Because NC is difficult to me I always find ways in which I can not only make him look like a fool but also keep tabs or learn information on him. This time I just wanted to play on his paranoia and [screw]his whole day up. I found an recording that was a prank pre recorded message. It’s a smart response message meaning they played the scenario out based on the expected response time. It was hilarious and knew it would make him paranoid as $#%^ since he’s such a dirty scumbag with other men's wives.

The recording has a guy yelling in at the target (my ex) in a British accent. The British guy is calling about finding the target's name on his girlfriends phone. The British boyfriend role then gets very angry and starts saying he knows where he lives and he’s going to murder him.

I wasn’t sure it would work. I called and it did. He crumbled and I could hear him so scared on the other line. I was dying laughing and realized what a coward he is and how he could never be a real man, ever. I dehumanized him and did this with the intention that it would send him into a manic state. I’ve listened to that recording about 3 times today and I laugh and find joy in it every time. Is this narcissistic or just funny? I struggle to realize if I am truly suffering from NPD characteristics or I'm just a really smart vengeful ex?

I can only speak for myself, I don't find it funny. But I also don't think it's the actions of a smart ex either :-/

You've said throughout that you could have him back and control him yet you continue to be controlled by the emotions of the split.

What I read in this text is an inability to deal with powerlessness and a very conflicted, impoverished inner world in respect to intimate relationships. All your hateful actions seem to me to be merely attempts to prove to yourself that you have power over your emotions, while you cant even see what causes them. It's a good first step to realize something's off with your mind, but from what you've written you have some hard work before you.
To answer that last question: Vengeful Smart Ex is an oxymoron.

No offense, but i am a diagnosed borderline. You appear to have sone serious mental health issues similar to borderlines. The problem is that you are FAR more consumed with him than he is with you. Making fake profiles to talk to him, wanting to hurt and crush him, etc. You are displaying stalking behavior and you have that insatiable need for revenge like borderlines often do. You may have been discarded and you seem angry that hes moved on. So what if he lies? So what if hes hypersexual? When he realizes who you really are (if he hasnt already) you have stroked his ego and provided narcissistic supply..good or bad attention is still supply. Please stop wasting your time on someone (narc or not) who has clearly moved on. Your determination for revenge on him shoes that you like him more than you claim..are you angry that hes not chasing you? is it rejection? what i do know is that you have too nuch time on your hands and this man consumes your thoughts most of the day. Thats whats obvious and as a borderline who has dated narcs..your behavior is much more extreme than his is. He has discarded and devalued you and moved on. Accept it.

I'm with smjackson31 on this one. I was also diagnosed with BPD, and it appears you may have some borderline traits at the very least. I think it's good that you realize that there may be some issues you need to work on, and I hope you do start to explore those issues so that you can spend your time in healthier, happier ways.