Ex boyfriend N has gf and won't leave me alone!

My ex N dumped me about 7 months ago and got into a new relationship immediately. Despite telling him repeatedly to leave me alone and ignoring his calls to check up on me for a solid 5 months (he would call every 3 to 4 weeks), I got weak and answered his call on Christmas and then on New Years Day. I let down my guard because we had nice chats and I was missing him. Despite having a gf for the past 6 months, he told me he was still attracted to me and missed me. I fell for it. He had mentioned that he'd like to see me sometime; maybe get together for breakfast. I agreed. The very next day he calls me at 7:00 am, tells me he's near my house and wants to come over and see me before he goes to work. I resisted for about 10 minutes and then agreed to see him only if we sat in his car and talked. I didn't want him to come in my house because I was afraid he may seduce me after not seeing him for 7 months. We sat in his car and talked for about 30 mins, he was extremely nervous and fidgety the whole time; playing with his keys, water bottle and would barely make eye contact. I was wondering WTF he wanted to see me for because he was acting so uncomfortable. After that, he completely blew me off. I was FURIOUS I'd gotten hoovered in and realized he was probably just seeing if he could still control me. I called him the next day and WENT OFF on him for messing with my head and emotions. I called him every name in the book and told him I never want to hear from him again and I don't want him near my life. I apologized the next day for being verbally abusive and have gone NC. I've never ripped into him like that or been verbally abusive before. He knew I was beyond pissed. Do you think he will finally stop trying to contact me after this? I called him a ######6 asshole and a piece of $#%^. The only response I got from him was a text asking me to please not be mad at him and that he was sorry for being and A-hole. I told him to F-off and he said okay.

You're not NC if he is still able to call or text you. Change your phone number.

He obviously still see's you as a viable source of supply, and it testing to see if you would take him back "when" he loses interest with his new supply.

He obviously still has some sort of control over you, or you would have just gone completely NC. You going into a profanity laced tirade gave him the supply he needed. He will be back, and he will continue to come back until you go all out no contact. Change your number/e-mail, whatever it takes.He still has his hooks into, whether you want to admit it or not.

I agree with realityhere and Balfazar.

The fact the he has a new girlfriend changes nothing. I don't know about your ex, but my ex narc would juggle many relationships at the same time.

The fact that you called him out also changes nothing. I also called my ex every possible name and I did it in front of other people, I was also threatening him (not directly, but I'm sure he figured it out) that I might officially accuse him of harassment.

Even that didn't help.

I'm in a difficult situation, because with my ex we have many professional connections, but if you don't... then lucky you. I wouldn't wait a second with blocking him everywhere/changing numbers if you have to. What he does with his hoovers is abuse and you are allowing for the abuse to happen. That sounds crazy, but narcissists are not normal - just by not blocking him you are encouraging him to abuse you.

Narcissist's actually enjoy being cussed out? I wouldn't have thought that would be supply since I'm basically telling him I hate him. You really don't think that would turn him off? I thought supply was adoration and being at their beck and call.

sjohnson17921 wrote:Narcissist's actually enjoy being cussed out? I wouldn't have thought that would be supply since I'm basically telling him I hate him. You really don't think that would turn him off? I thought supply was adoration and being at their beck and call.

I think your reaction pleased him. It told him that he could still get you to do what he wants and get under your skin. The fact that he didn't even try to go into your house indicates to me that he was NOT interested in intimacy. For some narcs, it doesn't matter whether the supply is "good" or "bad". It's still supply.

[quote][/quote]I think your reaction pleased him. It told him that he could still get you to do what he wants and get under your skin. The fact that he didn't even try to go into your house indicates to me that he was NOT interested in intimacy. For some narcs, it doesn't matter whether the supply is "good" or "bad". It's still supply.

This is so hard for me to get my head around. He told me he missed me and was still very attracted to me and he's NOT interested in sex? My suspicion was that he was interested in sex but I wouldn't let him in the house so he knew I wasn't down for that. I think all the nervous behavior was possibly about being too afraid to ask me for it. He's also extremely paranoid and knows I know who his gf is so maybe he thought I might tell her. He is completely diplomatic on text and doesn't say anything suggestive but on the phone he's very suggestive.

"it doesn't matter whether the supply is "good" or "bad". It's still supply."

HelloKitty is spot on about that. As a non with a narc relative, I can attest to the fact that ANY attention, good or bad, is supply for the disordered relative. The profanity-loaded tirade told your ex that you "still care" about him, albeit in a negative fashion. NC is just the opposite action-- no supply whatsoever.

What were you hoping or looking forward to when you decided to sit in his car outside for half an hour -- with an ex who has another girlfriend ... unlikely to turn out well?


I agree with the previous posters. Maybe you were also angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be played? Then he gets this big reaction that shows not only that you still care in a strong emotional way but also perhaps that you were the 'crazy' one, and he was the 'reasonable' one. Who knows.

Stop trying to figure out what he wants (sex??) and figure out what you want and then stick to that.

freyja wrote:What were you hoping or looking forward to when you decided to sit in his car outside for half an hour -- with an ex who has another girlfriend ... unlikely to turn out well?


I agree with the previous posters. Maybe you were also angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be played? Then he gets this big reaction that shows not only that you still care in a strong emotional way but also perhaps that you were the 'crazy' one, and he was the 'reasonable' one. Who knows.

Stop trying to figure out what he wants (sex??) and figure out what you want and then stick to that.

You're right. I'm FURIOUS at myself for getting sucked in again and played. That will not happen again.

-- Mon Jan 11, 2016 8:20 am --

I'm looking forward to the day that he calls and I just ignore him.