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Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

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Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby svenska500 » Thu Oct 08, 2015 7:00 am

A common thread I have always seen on this forum are nons, that think they have done a little reading of some e-book, some posts, or even the so-called expert Dr. Sam.. and they think they have their ex even remotely figured out.

How delusional this is. All humans are completely different creatures and all of us with narc traits are no exception.

This whole talk about discarding someone and coming back for them? I get asked why narcs do that in some of my messages? Ridiculous. When I am done with someone, I never come back. The only reason I ever respond, is if the person initiates conversation. "But he keeps coming back to check on me.. why won't he leave me alone and let me recover?" Like seriously? Check on you? If I'm done with you, I'm done with you and I will only respond if you check on me. Everyone is different and those with narc personality traits are no exception.

In essence, do not think that you can figure out why your ex did this, or why he did that, through what you see or read. I am by no question a narc and have absolutely no interest in power, success or grandiose thoughts.. "But the book said this is a trait of narcs and my boyfriend is always like this.. so he must be a narc!" I've seen more people that are not narcs with these thoughts in modern day society, then those that are narcs.

I earn enough to afford a $100,000 car to show off my success, no problem. But, I take the bus. And I tell people I take the bus. If I were to buy a car, I would buy a basic car, like a Honda Civic. I do not want people to look at me as the douchebag in the expensive car, trying to overcompensate for whom I am as a person. I see countless nons do this and I find it rather pathetic. I have nothing to to show or prove to anyone.

I am no better than anyone and I know this. Yes, I have narc personality traits, but my core and whom I am is no more important than any other person on earth. My worth and my life is no more valued than that of the street beggar. For me to think otherwise, is delusional.

My narc friends are content with what they have. They do not aspire to be the best or harbor delusional thoughts of anything grandiose. They can afford a $100k car, but they drive a $25k car. They have no interest in running a huge corporation and bossing people around. They are content, like me in well paying employment and have no problem working with others.

I have no interest in manipulating anyone I meet. (with the exception of putting on a social face in a bar/club situation..) 99% of the time I am myself to people and have no problem telling people I have narc personality traits, as soon as I meet them. If they are not interested in whom I am at the core, then I have no interest in them. Why manipulate someone? For me, there needs to be a connection.. and without a connection, I do not desire them. Without desire, I have no interest in them.

I have been in love with narcs and have felt deep connections with people. For nons to tell me this is improbable and impossible is ridiculous and absurd.

I could continue on and on.. I am 100% narc to the core.. and am absolutely astounded how nons on this forum think they can figure out why the narc in their life acted out a certain way, through what they read or see on these forums.

Assuming all narcs act in a certain way is like me thinking in such a way with nons.. "Well I asked a non about why my relationship didn't work.. and she told me.. because he's a non.. And as we all know.. nons all operate like this."

That's how ridiculous it sounds. A narc can figure out the actions of why their ex-non acted out to them specifically on a forum as much as a non can figure out the actions of why their ex-narc acted out to them.. It's all a guess. To make assumptions of truth is absurd.

The only truth to find on a forum like this, is that you operate differently than us for the most part internally. You will not find out why your narc acted a certain way through the actions of others.

All people are different and to assume otherwise, is irrational, ridiculous and just plain stupid. The only thing you will ever understand about your ex or any other narc is that you will never understand us. Accept this or stay delusional your entire life. The choice is yours.
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. - Sun Tzu
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby mushybaNaNaNa » Fri Oct 09, 2015 12:37 am

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone in real life goes, "*giggle* Doesn't sally like soooo remind you of jenny?! They're like, the sameeee person!! Omg they need to meet each other, they'll love each other!!"

The only similarities I draw between people, is the shape of their head.

Some are round and have no chins.

Some have big foreheads and are disproportionally tall, vs. wide.

And most of the time, the reason why is whether or not their mother had a C-section or not. C-section heads are usually rounder.


Point being, everyone is so completely different, if you get to know them. The awesome thing about PDs, is they are interesting and you can learn a lot fast. On the other hand, there can be a lot hidden, both unintentionally and intentionally.

Have you ever had a real good friend for years then grew apart? Yeah. You didn't really know them.

Every single personality trait is a dial going from 0-10, with unlimited decimial places if needed. No 2 people in this world have the same numbers on them all.
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby fooled by his charm » Fri Oct 09, 2015 2:03 am

For some nons, we are here to try to understand what the f*&% happened.

In terms of the famous "discard," it's dreadfully painful and often life shattering. Like, how could this person profess their love and devotion one day, and disappear the next? Devastating.

Another common theme is the lack of closure in these breakups. It would seem that NPD/BPD don't generally offer any type of closure and often hoover. This is perhaps the cruelest of actions.
See, without a proper ending (at least a conversation with a bit of empathy towards the dumpee), there's hope left lingering. The absolute most assured way NOT to get over being dumped; hope.

Maybe not all NPD's do this, but if it wasn't common, people like me wouldn't be here still searching for answers - hoping that if I understand more, I can let go.
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby Après L Orage » Fri Oct 09, 2015 2:44 am

fooled by his charm wrote:Another common theme is the lack of closure in these breakups. It would seem that NPD/BPD don't generally offer any type of closure and often hoover. This is perhaps the cruelest of actions.
See, without a proper ending (at least a conversation with a bit of empathy towards the dumpee), there's hope left lingering. The absolute most assured way NOT to get over being dumped; hope.


I think though that it is also important to learn/be able to give oneself closure, it's part of being healthy.
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby fooled by his charm » Fri Oct 09, 2015 2:53 am

I agree!

There is no other option but to give yourself closure. That's much easier said than done.

I wouldn't dare supply the NPD by asking for closure. I've chosen strict no contact and have moved on with my life. I think the healing process is long and arduous and comes in tiny increments with every passing day. Providing oneself with closure is far more complicated.
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby svenska500 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 3:31 am

While this is a common thread in narcs.. What you described is something I would do.. this is not solely a narc trait. Many people for a wide variety of reasons, including not wanting to deal with confrontation or not sure if they want to lose the person forever, might do this.. so one cannot tell if the individual is a narc solely by this type of action..

One must realize, a narc solely does things for himself. There is no benefit for us to tell you anything. What do we get out of it? We might have feelings for you in the future, we might want you for sex, you might be able to provide us with a loan, etc.. cutting off a connection with you entirely makes no sense to us, because we only see the downside of it.

While a conventional functioning brain will feel guilt, remorse, sadness, empathy, etc.. and sit down and have a conversation with you why it did not work out, or why it isn't working out.. our brain operates on the simple philosophy of.. "What do I have to gain from cutting this person out of my life completely, opening up to them about why it isn't working, confronting the situation, etc.."

Essentially, we lack empathy.. and with this, we can wake up the next day and be perfectly fine with moving on and not feeling bad or sad or any other such emotions with the removal of you from our life. While there are different variations and levels of this.. our empathy is not that of the conventional majority and thus this is why we do not find it in our best interest to provide you with any of things you asked for in your post below.

The only thing you can do is accept and move on.

fooled by his charm wrote:For some nons, we are here to try to understand what the f*&% happened.

In terms of the famous "discard," it's dreadfully painful and often life shattering. Like, how could this person profess their love and devotion one day, and disappear the next? Devastating.

Another common theme is the lack of closure in these breakups. It would seem that NPD/BPD don't generally offer any type of closure and often hoover. This is perhaps the cruelest of actions.
See, without a proper ending (at least a conversation with a bit of empathy towards the dumpee), there's hope left lingering. The absolute most assured way NOT to get over being dumped; hope.

Maybe not all NPD's do this, but if it wasn't common, people like me wouldn't be here still searching for answers - hoping that if I understand more, I can let go.
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. - Sun Tzu
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby fooled by his charm » Fri Oct 09, 2015 4:05 am

svenska500 -
Wow. You've just articulated everything my mind knows to be true, but cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Fascinating, really.

You seem very non emotional, straight forward. Do you tend to show a lot of emotion in your relationships? Or is this more of a BPD trait?
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby Darak » Fri Oct 09, 2015 5:48 am

Nobody can read me nor figure out my real goals. Humans are merely tools which should be used and exploited. If somebody becomes a burden for me, I just leave him and never get in contact with him/her again. (Happened a a several times, I have also been threatened because of this.) Oh and that car example of yours pretty much summed it up.
"If you search properly, you can find entrance to the Satanic Web, the Catholic Web and the Midget Web. With enough search, you can even reach the Mordor Web, but only if you have the Gandalph extension."
- K1du
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby svenska500 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 6:22 am

I am extremely emotional. More emotional than most of the population most assuredly. Narcs suffer from anxiety and depression mostly due to our emotions being absolutely strong and unfortunately with that comes an absolute train wreck in that area, as we have a difficult time processing them.

The difference is, my emotions are different than nons. This is why you will never understand a narc. To put it simply, our right is your wrong.

Perhaps you can understand it.. if I relate it to Aspergers. You can understand Aspergers, but you cannot comprehend how they think like they do, because your mind does not operate like them. All you can understand, is that you have some understanding how they process social interactions, but you aren't in their brain and have no idea what's really going on that causes them to interact with others as they do.

Here's the thing.. with Aspergers.. you see what's going on.. because one can't really hide social interactions.. so it's easy to figure out.. "oh hey this isn't normal.."

We have Aspergers of the brain in a way.. so this makes it much more difficult for the layman to comprehend or understand us, because we can hide what's going on.. You can't see our emotions or our thoughts.. and we've spent our entire life hiding them from the world, that even our body language does not show you anything.. we've learned how to suppress the undesirable actions of our emotions and feelings.. so you will never notice or see anything different about us. If we showed how we felt, like in Aspergers, they show what they're thinking by social interactions, the story would be different.

So while those with Aspergers cannot hide whom the are with their social interactions, we certainly can through our so-called mask..

It looks like a mask to most.. But to us, our mask.. is our reality. It's whom we are. But you simply cannot see beneath the mask, because our mask, is our truth. We only allow the mask to show the world what we want the world to see, as we know the undesirable acting out of how our emotions truly are (commonly referred to as narcissistic rage) is not acceptable in society. It's not manipulation either most of the time.. it's simply that we know better.. kind of like a child may act out and scream naturally.. from instinct.. from how they feel.. Yet the child quickly learns from society and their parents (hopefully) that this is unacceptable behavior and thus they are trained to not act out as they feel. Yet, if the child is upset enough.. you can be rest assured, they will act out against what they know is unacceptable.. as do we in our feats of rage, if we cannot contain it..

You can have some understanding that we are different, yet you will never have an understanding why we do what we do, because it makes no logical sense to the way you think and have operated your entire life.

If you've read my posts over the past week or so since I've been back.. do you have any idea whom I really am? I can be genuine, caring, cold, compassionate, emotionless, strong-willed, apathetic, etc.. any minute of any hour of the day.. I have no core self.. My core self has not changed. This is how I am. Hot, cold, hot, cold. There is no rhyme or reason..

Why do you think people become so attracted to narcs? We show a side of the human being that many have never seen before in others.. and most all humans are attracted to what we show the world.. they haven't seen anyone like us.. we're a breath of fresh air.. something new.. something extraordinary.. something that makes them feel high.. But like any drug.. Chase us and we will be the worst thing you've ever experienced... The feeling of euphoria with a drug is temporary.. as well are we.

We are meant to be temporary. Get high temporarily on us if that's your thing.. in moderation.. narcs can be fun, exciting people to be around.. but if you become addicted and rely on us to make you feel good throughout the day.. like any drug.. You can't stay high forever.. it's only downhill with drugs.. it's only downhill with narcs.. if only we were as easy to withdraw from as drugs, then I suppose it wouldn't be so bad for people..

fooled by his charm wrote:svenska500 -
Wow. You've just articulated everything my mind knows to be true, but cognitive dissonance is a bitch. Fascinating, really.

You seem very non emotional, straight forward. Do you tend to show a lot of emotion in your relationships? Or is this more of a BPD trait?
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. - Sun Tzu
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Re: Stop pretending like you have us figured out.

Postby Truth too late » Fri Oct 09, 2015 7:19 am

svenska500 wrote:in moderation.. narcs can be fun, exciting people to be around..

Really good post. The quoted part made me think of an average evening with me:


Image


:lol:
I never seen you looking so bad my funky one / You tell me that your superfine mind has come undone (Steely Dan, Any Major Dude)
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