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Cash & letter from N parent

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Cash & letter from N parent

Postby fergi2017 » Fri Aug 28, 2015 7:26 pm

I recently received a letter from an N parent of mine in the mail along with cash. I've been NC with that parent for the past 2 1/2 years for good reason. Besides "I love you" and "I miss you very much", the letter states "The past is the past. Let''s start anew."

What do you think that's code for? "Come back to me so that I can repeat my N behavior again and use you as my N supply again?" I feel guilty for accepting the cash (I did need it), but it's as though my N parent thinks they can buy me to continue the abuse.
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby Truth too late » Fri Aug 28, 2015 8:00 pm

fergi6777 wrote:Besides "I love you" and "I miss you very much", the letter states "The past is the past. Let''s start anew."

What do you think that's code for?

He (they) are just talking to themselves. They can't tell you what you want to hear. They can't be honest with themselves about what they know. And, they can't accept that you're serious (i.e., they can't let you go.). So, they communicate that way. They miss you as part of their Confabulated life. And, they make the only gesture they know how. They don't even care if it means anything to you. It's the only sacrifice they can make.

Why did you open the letter if you are NC? Wouldn't it have been more consistent to write "return to sender" on the letter and drop it in the mailbox. (The US Postal Service recognizes that and acts upon it.).

You've posted these questions about NC (and occasionally indicated you're not entirely NC). If you had one thread and updated it, a better picture might emerge (especially for new members). But, I think you're doing a very good job with NC. It's just some patterns like opening the letter which takes what you've done. (I.e., a returned letter would disarm them.).
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby Ladywith3cats » Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:45 pm

Most likely, your N parent is love-bombing or hoovering you back into the fold, and this "loving" behavior won't last. You would be wise to be very vigilant with this parent.

That being said, I talk to someone who's narcissist dad has seemed to do a 180 and is now the loving father she always wanted, even apologizing for the ways he treated her as a child and admitting he was a bad father. She says this has been going on for awhile and he's not showing any signs of reverting to his narcissistic ways. So maybe her father has changed in some profound way. She says he is not familiar with NPD or the narcissistic abuse community. She says he changed after her mother passed away. My guess is that he suffered a massive loss of supply/narcissistic crisis when she died, and sometimes that can make a narc change their ways.

But this is an exception rather than the rule. Most N parents grow worse with age, and are unlikely to change their ways, so just be very careful. (I would have accepted the cash too, lol -- it may lack integrity to do so, but as I see it, I'm entitled to it because I was put through hell and back).
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby fergi2017 » Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:28 pm

Both my N parents still won't acknowledge what they did wrong and say that don't understand why I've gone NC. I've explained to my N father what he and my N mother did wrong before, but it went in one ear, out the other. He texted me recently to say that his heart hurts because of what's going on between us. But what about my heart? He doesn't have empathy. Until he shows a little empathy and acknowledges or apologizes for his abuse (which included stalking, harassing, staking my apt out and ambushing me not too long ago), I won't go back.
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby Ladywith3cats » Fri Aug 28, 2015 11:29 pm

fergi6777 wrote:Both my N parents still won't acknowledge what they did wrong and say that don't understand why I've gone NC. I've explained to my N father what he and my N mother did wrong before, but it went in one ear, out the other. He texted me recently to say that his heart hurts because of what's going on between us. But what about my heart? He doesn't have empathy. Until he shows a little empathy and acknowledges or apologizes for his abuse (which included stalking, harassing, staking my apt out and ambushing me not too long ago), I won't go back.



It definitely sounds like hoovering to me, since they haven't even acknowledged any wrongdoing. And the "my heart is hurting" game your dad is playing is pure manipulation. From what you're saying(stalking,AMBUSHING, etc.) he sounds pretty malignant. I'm with TTL on this one -- you need to stay No Contact with your parents and don't open any further mail, as tempting as it may be. Return it to them.
BPD/AvPD; PTSD; Dysthymia; GAD; NPD (fragile/covert type); Seasonal Affective Disorder; Myers-Briggs INFJ (I know the rainbow colors make me look like an HPD. Deal with it).
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby fergi2017 » Sat Aug 29, 2015 2:23 am

I think his heart is genuinely hurting, but it means that he's just thinking about himself---and I'[m sure he will find ways to blame me for his "hurting heart" to make me feel guilty about it. As I've learned more about my N father, I discovered that he wasn't loved enough as a child (he lost his father to suicide during his teen years). Not sure if that excuse my N father's behavior, but at least I understand why he's so f'd up.
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby InSpiritus » Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:19 am

Hmmm...after many years of ...more or less NC, but not really. Who cares? He is your father. Unless he beat and raped you...it's past. Forget it...

You know what he is. You can't change your genetics , so....is it worth the emotional craptardery of holding on to the animosity? I don't think so.
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby fergi2017 » Fri Sep 04, 2015 3:33 am

I got yet another letter with cash from my N mother. This time she wrote essentially the same thing: "You can't live in the past. Let's start anew." along with " I don't understand what happened." and "Let's meet without looking back."

Unbelievable!
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby BlueFlower » Sat Sep 05, 2015 3:08 am

fergi6777 wrote:I got yet another letter with cash from my N mother.

Unbelievable!


Why is this "unbelievable"?

Accepting letters and cash is NOT NC. It is engaging...so why are you resentful they are engaging with you?

Don't say you are NC, engage with them, accept gifts, then complain about it on here.

It doesn't make sense.
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Re: Cash & letter from N parent

Postby TheLord » Sat Sep 05, 2015 5:59 am

fergi6777 wrote:I got yet another letter with cash from my N mother. This time she wrote essentially the same thing: "You can't live in the past. Let's start anew." along with " I don't understand what happened." and "Let's meet without looking back."

Unbelievable!


This past could be a past if they had apologised genuinely... They can't use money to make it 'past is gone'.

Don't allow them back in your life until they apologise. They know the wrongdoings, you have told them too, but they don't even acknowledge that...

Stay NC
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