Pangloss wrote:Philonoe wrote:About your answer to Pangloss :But, you enjoy valid valuation don't you? Isn't that what love is?
That's really interesting definition of love.
So what is the definition of "love" to pwNPD?
It's interesting you posted that question. Last night I was thinking about replying to @Philanoe. It was the first thing on my mind this morning.
After my feelings disappeared (the event which started this thread), I've been realizing I don't know what love is. I always heard the saying "in love with the idea of being in love." In the same way I always knew I had a problem, I always knew that saying applied to me. I've described how my emotions always simmered just beneath the skin. I was ruled by that without realizing it. To me, love was the feeling I got. It had to be maintained. Whether it was overwhelming feelings of infatuation, or calm security. Whatever it was, I had to feel it because that was my primary sensory mechanism. It wasn't cognitive. Without the feelings I wasn't in love.
I think that kept me from seeing the other person's individuality, their needs, being willing to let them live their life for their needs (instead of existing to satisfy my systemic emotional bruise).
I don't think I knew that until the past 3 weeks when I've been more cognitive, assessing my feelings for my ex. (Or, more accurately, the sudden disappearance of feelings after 2 years of feeling intense sorrow/shame for what I did to her, which now appears to have been nothing more than 2 years of feeling sorry for myself.).
What caused me to think about replying to @Philanoe last night:
I realized a song was playing which would normally tear me up badly about my ex. My first thought was to turn it off before it slammed me. However, I realized I hadn't even noticed it was playing. So, I let it continue. This is the song:
Passenger - Let her Go
For the past couple years the bombshell lyric ("and you let her go") would hit me hard with feelings of my loss, my mistake, my regret, my shame, my wanting to go back and fix it. (Me, me, me.). I never realized in the past how it was about me. I thought the strong feelings demonstrated sincerity. More "true" love than I'd ever known.
I still had a reaction last night. But, it was more cognitive. I wondered what does the song mean to me now?
My first thought is that I "let her go" in a psychological sense. I'm not using her anymore to ruminate about myself, to feel what I thought was genuine love. I could see her as a person, the value she added to my life (which I have been more cognitively aware of the past 3 weeks as I searched for how to think about her after my emotional yardstick disappeared). The fun times we had together, that she enjoyed (not the trainwreck I enjoyed picking through so I could "feel" for myself.).
I thought about the paradox of the lyrics. You don't know love until you let it go. It seemed profound, and I didn't like it because to me that's the antipathy of the stability, security which my core fears were based upon. Like the old saying from the '70s ("If you love something, set it free.") always sounded like fluff to me.
But, now I think I'm seeing love is boundaries (compared to the walking bruise I used to be, "make me feel, make me feel"). It's more cognitive. A true valuation, not emotional meth. More acceptance of the other person's needs, their view of themself. Finding a way to make that coexist rather than the world revolving around myself and fitting that person into it (the "narrative"). I feel better about how we coexist now (apart), accepting why (what I did) and how she helped me (the value I didn't see when I overvalued her due to my propensity to hemorrhage). It's a calmer realty. Not an inner feeling that isn't in the "here and now."
I think I would have said I believed that before. But, the emotional overload I always lived with (without knowing it) prevented me from thinking about it realistically. I think the cognitive aspect wasn't there. That's what seems to be different now. I think it's more like love.