bitty wrote:Esquire, sorry, but nothing interests me. I'm only driven to be seen as funny and nice. The last time that I remember applying myself intellectually was at school, but not since.
I can relate to that. I was very focused and a perfectionist with what I worked at -- so long as I knew the subject. If it involved stepping outside my comfort zone, learning something new, I avoided it even though my star might have shone brighter. Maybe because there was a risk of not living up to expectations. When I knew the material/subject I could just put in more hours, produce more and be seen as a star. Everything in my control.
I was a temperamental "wunderkind." I had a balance sheet in my mind and knew how much I could rock the boat, be playful (march to my own beat, act cavalier, edgy). I liked to play both extremes and sometimes joked that I was the guy the boss would like to fire but can't because I was too valuable.
I also liked to find problems to solve more than looking to the boss to tell me what I should work on. That was partly reducing the risk of failure. If I saw something that could be improved, I could privately assess its worth to me, the risk, etc. If it didn't interest me (didn't add up in my favor), I could drop the idea and nobody knew. It was partly "pulling a rabbit out of my hat." It added to that balance sheet that I might be difficult, but worth it.
(If the boss told me to work on that same thing, I'd be defensive, make it out to be bigger than it is. Setting it up so I'd either look very good if I could find a creative solution, or avoid it reflecting badly on me. "I told you from the start ...").
There was always that tension between doing my own thing and excelling vs grudgingly taking direction, following the standard process. I created my own supply which carried me through the boring (low supply) assigned tasks which I would be temperamental with.
Getting back to your point about just wanting to have fun and be liked, I exuded a cavalier, flippant attitude. I felt work should be fun, a social event. The image of things coming to me easily, being "outside the box" added to that playfulness. Everyone else was putting in their time, leaving work at work so they could go home and be with families and hobbies. I'd act like I wasn't at work, then make up for it from home doing what I should have done at work.