What were you depressed about when you experienced those cycles?
As i understand it, i just felt, as time passed, more pressure to get it together and more despair that the situation hadn't been made better.
I just feel that i can't live like this, with so much instability,with low self esteem that makes me avoid doing the simplest things or makes me avoid things that would benefit me. It's that difference between the things i do and the things i would like to do and be or expect of myself that makes me depressed.
It sounds like you only just found out about NPD, or perhaps I misunderstood? And what do you mean by True Nature?
Well, i sort of realized that i was focusing too much on myself, making myself the victim when in fact no one had wronged me, not at least so much that i needed to react the way i did. I saw myself through a chain of events, like a nuclear reaction that showcased a lot of my shortcomings when it comes to how i view the world, myself , how i approach different situations and people in general.
I`m not diagnosed by a professional, it's just that i've recognized myself in the symptoms that overt narcissist exhibit.
I feel like i don't really know what my true nature is. I exhibit a range that goes from respectful, kind, well tempered, etc. - everything i would like to always be - up to a melt down state where people can only think of me as crazy; aggressive, envious, a gossiper or something else equally disgusting or bad. It can also be constant whining that has no end which also seems really unpleasant. I don`t really have to be in an 'excited' state actually to start behaving badly.
What i'm trying to say is...i'm not sure about my motives when it comes to behavior which i think is appropriate. I`m not sure i trust myself. Am i doing this or that just to calm my anxieties, feel secure or get a boost from some attention only to later slip into old and bad patterns?